Have you ever loved someone you could never have?
That's how I felt about my best friend, Derek. Derek was tall, had beautiful green eyes that were always filled with life, and brown hair with natural streaks of blonde in them, but what really attracted the girls was his body.
He had a six pack that he maintained by doing Kung Fu, football, and swimming.
The only issue with Derek was that he was gay.
He had 5 bitchy sisters, and was being raised by his mom who was living with the trauma of his father dying 4 years before. Because his sisters were such bitches, he was totally turned off to girls.
Now let me tell you about myself. I'm not really that pretty, with my long, black hair falling to my lower back, my eyes a cold blue, and, with me looking a little underweight, was really only 128 pounds.
I had been in love with him since we were 13. He was 2 months older than me, and, since I had met him at Kung Fu, he probably only thought of me as a friend.
Since we were buds, we told each other EVERYTHING. I knew the second he had stuffed his cock in Tommy, another friend's, ass. I knew when he masturbated, who he was attracted to, who he hated, I mean EVERYTHING.
Me? I didn't have a sex life at all. I was still a virgin at 17, 18 in a month.
One day Derek and I were in Kung Fu class, doing lifts and, of course, we had partnered together. He was lifting me when, out of nowhere, Tommy came and tickled him, causing me to fall on top of him, our faces separated by mere inches. My heartbeat quickened and I blushed, so I hurriedly got up and playfully smacked Tommy on the arm. "Thanks alot, dude! Seriously, did you have to do that?" I laughed helping Derek up.
Just then our instructor dismissed Kung Fu class for the day.
I strolled back to the locker room talking to my friend Binda, who had dated Tommy before he came out of the closet. "Dude," she said to me " you really just need to tell him how you feel, cause he's not gonna know unless you tell him." I turned towards he with a really serious look on my face "Yeah, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell my mom I took money from her purse, because that sounds just as good an idea as that."
"I still think you should tell him, Bella."
"Tell who what?" Derek said, shocking us. "Tell you she loves you." Binda said, making kissy faces at us. "Yeah, right. She does not! She knows me better than anyone, and we're just friends." The words drove straight into my heart. I turned around and walked away from the one person I could never have.
I was supposed to go to Kung Fu the next day, but my heart was still on pain.
Have you ever felt your first heartbreak? If you have, you know how it feels. You feel like you'll never love again, and that life will cease to exsist.
I decided to go to the museum with my friend, Blake. We got there, and it was super crowded so we decided to hold hands so we didn't get lost. We were halfway through the museum and having a great time when we heard a gasp from behind us. We turned to see Derek, with his mouth hanging open, and Tommy, attached to his arm. I let go of Blake's hand to give Tommy a hug and Derek a nice smile. I reclaimed Blake's hand, only to see Derek's eyes narrowing. Derek asked "Oh, who's this?"
"Sorry, I forgot that you didn't know Blake." They shook hands and glared at each other, with a little chuckle I separated them. "I need to talk to you." Derek said, taking my hand and pulling me around the corner. "What are you doing with him?" It was my turned for my mouth to drop. "Are you dating him?"
"What? No!!! He's my friend. We were only holding hands because...wait, are you jealous?" I chuckled. There was no way "...Yes. Is there something wrong with that?"
"Well, No. But, your....your gay."
"Bisexual, actually. I've been in love with you since I had just turned 14. Do you remember that day? We had a small party and that black car pulled up and...they killed my dad." he never talked about that day, so I knew he wasn't joking. "I was really sad, and my sisters just called me wimp, but you... You comforted me, and that's when I realized...that you were different. Special. But then Patrick," I flinched at the name, "Stole you first kiss and I was so traumatized that I did Tommy and you were too important for me to tell you and Tommy knew that, so that's why he tried to make us kiss at the academy."
"Then why did you say that we were just friends?" I asked still bewildered and shocked that this was even happening. "Because I didn't want to hurt you. But I guess I ended up hurting you anyways." His voice was even, he was truthful with everything. "Bella, I..." Blake slammed into him and knocked him to the ground, tried to grab my hand but all those years of Kung Fu had prepared me for this and I flipped him into the wall. I pulled Derek to his feet, grabbed his and Tommy's hands and dragged them backwards throughout the museum arousing many cuss words and complaints. We ran past the front and because we looked suspicious now Blake and Secruity we after us.
We were closing in on Tommy's car, and, luckily for us, the security guard was not the skinniest person in the world. But Blake was the number 1 track runner in the state, so when I reached for the door handle, he grabbed my hand, this time making sure I didn't flip him, and pinned me against the car crushing his lips to mine. The kiss, if you can even call it that, was stopped soon after Derek saw what was happening, punched Blake and kneed him in the stomach. Derek reclaimed my hand and pulled me into the back seat of the car and yelled at Tommy to drive, drive, DRIVE!!! We were soon on the freeway heading home and Security had given up on catching us, but we had left my car. Dammit!!! I tried to tell Derek, but he was glowering and mumbling something under his breathe. The excitement of the day had tired me out so I quickly fell asleep.
When I awoke, I was in my own bed, but I was still dressed in the clothes I had worn that day. I turned on the light, got out of bed, grabbed a clean pair underwear and a clean bra, and stumbled into the bathroom, tripping over a big bed of blankets. I went to the shower, undressed and turned on the water to the hottest setting. That day was the most exciting day I had had in a very long time. I thought about the days events until the water turned cold, so I hopped out of the shower, dressed and jumped into bed. I was out in seconds.
My dreams were great.
I was beating the shit out of Blake, and Derek was helping me.
I guess I appeared to be fighting with my blankets, because I woke up to Derek and Tommy untangling me from them. At first I let them until I realized what I was wearing and grabbed the blankets away from them, blushing furiously. Remembering that I was so unprepared to stop Blake from kissing me I tried to cover my crying face from them, and they kept prying until they had dragged me off the bed and each grabbed one of my wrists. They pulled them away from my face, only to drop them to my sides as tears streamed down my face. I tried to quickly run away, but fell on my face into a dirty T-shirt, picked it up and ran. I guess I got many strange looks for walking through town looking like shit, only in a T-shirt so it was easy for Derek to find me.
He was just about to reach me and began "Bella, I..." but I was caught off guard by some talent scouts pushing past me to Derek asking if he would join their teams. Derek grabbed my hand and we ran. We seemed to be doing a lot of that this week. He pulled me into Sephora, had then do my make up, then pulled me into a Betsey Johnson store, buying me the first dress he saw. Did I ever mention how rich he is? He could stay at the fanciest hotel for a year and his mom's account number would barely change. He pulled me into one of those abandoned shopping centers a few miles from the hospital.
He was just about to tell me something when Blake appeared with a gun. "Give me the girl, Derek." he said pointing the gun at him. I hopped up and stood in between him and Derek, shooting daggers and said, "If you want him, you've got to go threw me, jackass." Blake surprised me by jumping up and twisting my wrist so hard and fast I didn't even feel the pain until he had shot Derek in the leg. I called the cops, and stalled Blake until they got there. We left the building and I dragged Derek to the hospital. When I was in wrist care I saw Tommy running to Derek and chuckled, but I then remembered that it was my fault. I knew he wouldn't hold it against me but still...
Then next week was pretty chill but he was still in the hospital, and he wouldn't be in Kung fu for a while. I was now banned from his house. He was a rich football player, and I was a mutt. An orphan, and his family was always looking for an excuse to ban me and now they had one. Everyone at Kung Fu, even Tommy, hated me and I can't say I blamed them. It was Blake's stupidity that got him hurt, but it was me too. My wrist was hurt, but I could still do Kung Fu, but Derek couldn't even stand.
When Derek was released from the hospital, everyone was there for his welcome party but me. They might have thought it rude but I didn't. After all I wasn't invited and for all they cared it was me who should've gotten shot. I wish I was there smiling for him, but he didn't seem to miss me, because when I drove past he was smiling like there was nothing missing. Like he was whole. I guess it was time to switch; I now had the hole in my heart, and he was fine. But I didn't have anyone to comfort me. I used to have more friends than Derek, but they had all turned on me except for Brenda for a little while. Brenda tried to tell me once that it wasn't my fault. I argued an then she turned on me. I was telling the truth.
It was all my fault he got hurt...
Just like it was my fault his dad is dead now.
I was riding my bike down a trail that Derek and I had made. Back when he still thought of me as a person he needed, a person he cared about. While I was thinking back to those happy times, I crashed into another biker. "Oh, I'm really sorr...Hi tommy." I helped him to his feet with my freshly healed hand. He glared, hoped back on his bike, then said "Listen, Derek's really depressed right now. Could you come see him?" I was stunned- he actually missed me? "I would love t...Wait, I'm banned from his house. I think they got a restraining order or something...." "Then we just won't go to his house. Please?" Tommy was on the verge of tears, so I agreed to meet him.
When we got there Derek had already gotten a booth and Tommy slid in next to him. I cautiously sat down across from them, careful to hide the scars of those lonely nights-The nights when all I wanted to do was die, so i cut my wrists, my legs, anything in a spit where I could watch the blood flow out of my body. I was matching the hurt and ugliness inside to the outside. "Bella...Say something..." Tommy urged, but I couldn't say anything. What was I supposed to say? "Hey sorry I almost got you killed, oh and it's my fault that your dad is dead too?" Yeah right. So instead we just sat in silence. At one point Derek's eyes met mine, but he quickly looked away. I stood up and whispered "This was a mistake." and bolted. I must have been running for a half an hour when Derek finally caught up to me. "Listen Bella.." He took my face in his hands, urging me to look at him, "I love you. I always have, it's just that... I wasn't blaming you for it its just..." "Derek, it's my fault your Dad's dead," his eyes widened at that, "And now I almost got you killed. Please understand how painful this whole thing has been for me." I brushed my hair out of eyes, and he caught my wrist, carefully examining it. "Bella, why do you have scars on your wrists?" I quickly snatched my hand away, "Umm. Listen. I was involved in some crazy shit before your dad was killed. Drugs, Gangs, you name it. And your dad tried to help me out of it but they saw him as a person to take put their anger on. So they....well you know. That's why I was so upset that I almost got you killed, and then I couldn't talk to you about it so..." I tailed off, tears streaming down my cheeks. He kissed me gently, like he was afraid to break me. "Let's get you home." He took my hand, and gently guided me home.
The second we got into the house, we lost it. We ripped each others clothes off, savoring the feel of each others skin, like one of us might disappear. I stroked him, enjoying the sensation of him moaning against my mouth. He, gently, pinched and flicked my nipples, then, after he had me moaning for more, started fingering me. We laid like that for a while, but eventually got frustrated. Then, he had to warn me it hurt. He hesitated so long, I had to guide him into me...
RING RING RING.
I slammed my fist against my alarm clock and cuddled up to the man of my dreams. He kissed me, and I had never felt happier....because he was mine.