This is set in Lancashire England where people speak like on Coronation Street on Telly and swear a lot. If you don't like the F word don't F-ing read it and give crap feed back, all right.
A revision of Haging Pedos from a Lamp post by their Bollocks.
Hanging Pedos by their bollocks from a Lamp Post part 2
"Johnno, I've been thinking," Sandra said one morning between sucks as she gave me a blow Job, "I got my period." she says, "No offence but I'm not going to get a Council house at this rate so I've decided to move in with Alan."
"Right, fucking sly bastard going behind my back," I says.
"Oh I haven't told him yet." she says.
"Look, we'll stay be mates though, wont we?" I says.
"Oh yes, it's just." she said, as she took a quick breather "I get so pissed off with being spat at."
"I know, that's trouble with me being a BNP Councillor." I admitted, "Still I suppose with me expenses and allowance I can afford to pay a tart."
"Well, I only charge fifty," she said, "But it will have to be on a proper professional basis with a Durex and all."
"No you're all right." I said, "Fuck it, I'll miss you." I said and then I started cumming in her gob.
I went down Council offices for a meeting, fucking Lib Dems and Greens and Labour had half the seats Conservatives, Independents and UKip the other half almost, "Ah Mr Allthwaite" some poncy git says looking down his snout at me, "I trust we can rely on your support."
"What's in it for me?" I asked, see I was learning real quick.
"Oh, well, I" he said
"Fuck all by sound of it," I says, "Have a bit of a think eh grandad." I added.
"Hey Johnno!" Al says as he spots me, "How's it going?"
"Not so bad." I says, "What's on?"
"Fucking cock up mate," he says, "We needs your vote for chairman see." he said, "because if you vote with Tories there's equal councillors and in the event of a tie the outgoing chairman has casting vote and he's a Tory."
"Right," I said
"Except we can't be seen do do a deal with the BNP." he said apologetically.
"No problem," I said, ""I'll stay home then, or not vote for leader," I said and I had a think, "It'll cost your lot ten grand and," I had this fucking evil thought, "I want to screw that big fat lesbian tart."
"What Miss Ash?" he said.
"Yeah, straighten the bitch out." I said.
"Fucking hell mate they won't go for that." he said, so we left it he would have a word.
Next thing I know Mum shouts upstairs that there's someone one phone, I answered it, "Ah Mr Allthwaite, I'm Melanie Ash."
"Right," I says, "You up for it?"
"Will you come to my house?" she says and gives me the address. I told Mum I was going out and went round to see her.
She had one of those nice townhouse places down Battersby road, I pressed the door push and she let me in.
"We need to talk." she said, and she let me in the front room.
"Look you fat cow I came round to fuck not talk." I said, "I never fucked a Lesbo before or anyone with E cup tits."
She looked really angry, her bosom heaved, her tits wobbled and my old man definitely twitched.
"You really are disgusting!" she said.
"I had a fucking bath specially!" I corrected her, "So you getting your kit off or what?"
"No!" she said.
"So just drop your knickers and bend over the coffee table." I said, "Surely you had it with a strap on or something."
"Sit down," she said, and when I sat she said, "Yes, I've "had it." she said, "And not with a strap on oh no the real thing Mr Allthwaite," she says, "I was defiled."
"What?" I asked, "do you mean defiled?"
"By the Vicar!" she exclaimed, "The Vicar, I trusted him and he abused me," she said angrily, "In my bottom!"
"You poor bitch," I said and went across to her, "That's fucking rough," I said as I slipped my hands up her knee length skirt.
"No stop it!" she insisted but I dragged her knickers down. "No!" she wailed.
"You invited me in for a fuck so you get fucked." I said.
"No!" she wailed, so I tore her blouse open, her tits were huge,"No!" she said, "I want you to vote with the Tories, demand that pedophiles and rapists are hung from lamp posts with a meat hook up their bottoms!"
"Oh," I agreed, "And that Vicar bloke put you off blokes for life?" I enquired, she nodded, "What a fucking waste," I said, "Who is this vicar cunt?"
"Oh, why?" she asked.
"Want's fucking stringing up," I said, "Look who is he?"
"St Theo's, he's still the vicar of St Theo's." she said, "But surely?"
"Cunt," I said, "Can't let cunts like that get away with it can I?" I said, "Not turning girls queer."
She smiled at me, "I want to cut his balls off." she said.
"How about we hang him by the ass hole from a meat hook wrapped around a bell rope and then you cut his balls off, prick too if you want."
"Really?" she said, "What about Police?"
"No, they're not allowed to," I said, "They leave it to Al and me."
"Mr Allthwaite, I believe I misjudged you." Miss Ash admitted and smiled at me longingly.
Daft bitch, she looked so much like a cow with her udders out that she put me right off.
I went round Al's place "Hey your Miss Ash wants some pedo vicar pervert hung by his ass hole from a bell rope."
"Fair enough," says Al, "Sandra's got the hump.
"Oh?" I said.
"See I got to have a boy friend what with being Lib Dem and that." he said, "Them dopy cunts thought you was me boyfriend not me mate or they'd never have supported me."
"Fuck!" I said.
"Poor old Sandra's really pissed Johnno." he added.
"I'm not taking her on if she's up duff with your kid!" I insisted.
"Fair enough," he agreed, "I don't fancy screwing no bloke though." he said.
"That's not the half of it, it's when they change ends at half time he gets to screw your ass." I said.
"Oh for fucks sake!" Al exclaimed, "Anyway what's this about a Vicar?"
I told him and that Sunday we was at St Theo's for Evensong, just two old biddies, the organist , the organists dog and us two.
It was exactly the same service like when we was kids, and even I knew the organist played the wrong sodding tune for hymn 278, he packed up and we still had a line to sing and he started again before we finished.
Anyway the organist legged it as soon as he could when the service was over and we hung about waiting for the Vicar to finish with the old biddies.
"Excuse me, what do you young lads want?" he asked after about ten minutes.
"We was going to nick the collection plate," I explained.
"Oh Reverend!" the old biddy in the greyer of the grey suits said, "And you thought they were vigilantes," she said, "Geoffrey is a Pedophile you know, he does an awful lot for the boy scouts and girl guides."
"Actually," I said, "We are vigilantes."
"Oh Mabel," said the grey haired one to the grey suited one, "How exciting, can we watch?"
"Mabel, Gladys for gods sake call the police!" the Vicar pleaded.
"Oh no, no Vicar, you had every opportunity to have high tea and a threesome with us and you always refrained," Mabel reminded him, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned you know!"
"Absolutely," said Gladys, "My Nephew Tom never had any trouble when he was a scout but when he left he was terribly constipated."
"Yes, I only." the Vicar said as Al flashed his best smile at him.
"Just shut your gob you're talking bollocks," Al advised.
We all went up to the tower, Vicar had his robes on still, I was quite surprised to find he had a basque and stockings under it and not much else when we made him bend over as Al deftly shoved the end of the bell tower broom handle up the Vi car's ass hole to loosen it up a bit.
"You won't get away with this," the Reverend wailed.
Just then PC Tony Mulholland and Sgt Fforbes turned up.
"You sloppy buggers you never locked the door," Tony said "Miss Ash gave us a tip off."
"Thank God!" the vicar said blasphemously,"Arrest these, these."
"What for?" Tony asked, "You're the one with your tool out and a broom handle up your ass in front of two ladies," he said, "But you got a bald tyre and your tax is out Vicar, now that's a sixty quid fixed penalty,"
"Each!" said Sgt Fforbes, "Or you can have points as well, and what do points win?"
"Prizes?" the Vicar asked, as he looked helplessly over his shoulder at them with Al still pounding his ass hole with the broom.
"Shut it ass hole, not in this game, no, they get driving bans!" Sgt Fforbes explained, "Anyway you two layabouts, lock the door and get on with it," he said, "We'll be back later, we're off down the chippy for our supper."
We knew the big bell was just balanced see, against the stop, not rung down, so all as we had to do was braid the meat hook to the bell rope and jerk it.
The Vicar got uppity when Al yanked the broom out of his ass but Gladys got the lid off the font and belted him round the head with it, after that he sort of had this glazed look about him and when the hook was ready we eased him up and Al aimed the sharp end up his ass and as soon as it was right in till the curved bit was down against the Vicar's tail bone he gave the rope a pull.
Fucking clang, you never heard nothing like it,Clang Clang, fucking Clang! the rope jerked up and the Vicar lifted about a couple of feet off the deck and he screamed like a banshee, Al said, what ever that was, well like the circular saw down Allens timberyard when it hits a nail, "Screeeech." he went.
"Shit!" I screamed, as the fucking hook tore straight out of his backside and there was shit and blood and intestine all mixed up all red and stinking on the floor.
"He really has a very small cock," Gladys observed.
"What we going to do Al?" I asked.
"Stop the Bell," Mabel insisted so we all hung on the bell rope, "And wrap it round his neck!" she added.
"Right!" Al agreed so that's what we did, wrapped the bell rope around his neck half a dozen times, then held him by the legs so he swung from it for a bit.
The poor bastard gurgled a bit and went blue, but pretty soon he was limp and the world was a safer place.
"Fucking suicide," Sgt Fforbes announced when they got back from the fish and chip shop, "Depression, so sign of foul play except that fucking rusty hook now get rid ok?" he added, "Hot it up cherry red with the blow lamp and paint it, just in case."
"Fucks up the DNA," Tony Mulholland added helpfully.
"Better give the ladies a lift home lads," Sgt Fforbes suggested, "While we get the press, I mean the coroner around, and no funny business."
"Right," I said.
"Not you, them old birds are notorious!" Tony laughed, "See you round."
We took the old girls home, they seemed pleasant enough, completely mad but ok and we went home.
The papers were full of the Vi car's suicide next morning, "BNP policy claims first victim!" the headline screamed, with a picture of Sgt Fforbes and Tony grinning as they carried a blanket covered body out of the church.
Sandra was round our house next morning, "Can I move back in only I had my period?" she said.
"Make your mind up," I said.
"Well fuck you I'll go back to me mum's!" she snapped nastily.
"You know you don't like being spat at," I told her, "Why don't you pretend you're a bloke and stop with Al?"
"Yeah right," she said.
"Stuff a sock down your knickers so they think you got a cock." I suggested.
"Your not just a pretty face are you?" she said, "In fact you're about as stupid as you are ugly!"
"Can I still give you one later?" I asked.
"Yeah, thirty quid all right?" she asked with a pretty smile.
"Sure!" I agreed.
She had hardly gone when a police car rolled up, Tony gets out of the drivers seat and lets some bloke with a uniform more like a doorman at a whore house than a policeman out of the door.
"John Allthwaite, Councillor Allthwaite?" the bloke asked when I let him in the house.
"Who want's to know?" I asked.
"The Virgin fucking Veronica, now are you John Allthwaite?" he asked.
"Yes!" I agreed.
"So you're the bloke that gave the whole sex offenders register to Wickkyleaks." he said.
"Actually its 'hangpervertsbytheirbollocks.co.uk,' " Tony said.
"No!" I protested.
"So why did we trace it to your computer?" the bloke asked.
"Because you set me up?" I asked.
"He's not entirely stupid then!" the bloke laughed, "I'm acting assistant chief constable Collins spelt B-A-S-T."
"That's not how you spell cunt!" I said, "But I get the idea."
"Mulholland says you're good at vermin control," AACC Collins suggested.
"I does me bit," I said.
"Well hanging pedos by the bollocks is a bit awkward for us," he says, "Suicide suits us much better."
"Right," I agreed.
"Well we got the TV coming to interview you at half past, so tell them it's your civic duty to out the bastards," he 'suggested.'
"Fair enough." I said.
Sandra came round when the TV van turned up, "Shall I get my tits out?" she asked.
"No!" I said, "She's the local tart from next door," I explained, to a weasly looking bloke who seemed scared out of his wits.
"Mr, ugh, Allthwaite I presume," said some ageing tart that looked like that TV presenter's mum and turned out to be the presenter herself as she looked down her snitch at me.
"Yeah, you look a lot younger on telly." I said.
"What!" she snapped.
"You look fucking rough love," I said.
"Charming!" she replied, "Coming from a Homophobe."
"Look bitch, I'm fucking straight me," I said, "Ain't I Sandra."
"Yes,!" Sandra said, "Shall I get my tits out now?"
"A Homphobe hates Homosexuals!" the presenter said with a sigh.
"Right," I said, "I thought they come from the former soviet province of Homophobia!"
"Comedian, god help us a BNP comedian." she said, "Well I'm 'Leslie' as I'm sure you know and this is Kieran, my assistant and the gentleman with the camera is his partner Franck," she said, she wasn't really Leslie but she took out this injunction so I'll call her Leslie, anyway she stared hard at Franck, his jeans were so tight you could see the veins on his cock through them. He had ponce written all over him and he was so shit scared that his hands were shaking as he tried to aim the camera at us.
"Camera rolling," Franck said.
"Mr Allthwaite," 'Leslie' asked, "Why have you leaked this confidential information which puts the lives of many innocent people at risk?"
"Look, I don't want no innocent people hurt, if you ain't up to taking on some pedo then get a mate or two along," I said and fucking crash, fucking Franck had fainted and dropped the camera.
Kieran pounced on Franck and started giving him the kiss of life and Sandra got her tits out in case the camera was still running.
"Oh for gods sake!" 'Leslie' snapped, "You scared him you oaf!"
"He's nowt to worry about if he isn't no pedo," I explained, Leslie gave me one of those pitying looks posh bints give.
"Eighteen months, the boy was under age." she said.
"Fuck!" I said
"Something like that, more likely buggery," Leslie suggested, "That's what he likes ," she said like she knew.
"Right," I said, "Well live and let die that's what I says."
"Wake up!" Kieran said, but the idle bastard just lay there slobbering over mum's carpet.
"Oi cunt!" I said as I kicked Franck round the cheek with me steel toe cap, "Wakey wakey."
He stirred, "Where am I?" he said.
"Somewhere they don't like sex offenders much." I explained, and he fainted again.
"Mr Allthwaite!" Leslie gasped, "Please!"
"What?" I asked.
"Just do the interview." 'Leslie' said and she turned on Sandra, "And put your tits away please!"
"Fuck you!" Sandra snapped and flounced out.
"You look quite fit on TV, quite tasty," I said by way of trying to butter her up.
"Don't get any ideas Mr Allthwaite," she said, but her bra was too tight and too thin for secrets and her nipples started poking through it like dolphin's snouts.
"You better get a wank love," I said all seductive like, "Before you explode."
She belted me one round me face 'splat.' "Bastard!" she swore and she was shaking she was so wound up.
"Feisty little bitch ain't ya?" I said and I grabbed her and hauled her up on my shoulder and took her upstairs to calm her down, she screeched and wailed but I dragged her up to my bedroom and chucked her on the bed, she had this blue skirt on which came down real sweet, and white panties and hold up stockings, well the pants came down showing a sodding brown skid mark like she'd been taking it up the ass the filthy bitch, and I shoved her face in the pillow and got me tool out ready to climb aboard.
"Have you got anything?" she gasped.
"Yeah Durex," I said referring to me pack of three condoms.
"Coke, an "E" anything for a buzz?" she asked.
"Stupid bitch, my cock will give you all the buzz you can handle." I told her.
"You're so strong!" she said as I wrenched her over on her back and got her knees apart, "So fuck me you brute!" she added.
Brute, she was the one with the shitty kecks, but I rubbered up and climbed up on the bed and eased my tool at her, and with her guiding me as well I slipped her a length, christ you would have thought I was screwing the Virgin queen herself, "Oh it's too big! she wailed, but it weren't it was a nice sliding fit, and she relaxed and all them wrinkles seemed to disappear from her face and she stared at me wide eyed like.
"You like that?" I asked, "Do you?"
"Oh yes," she said, "Don't stop."
I heard movement downstairs, "Can you walk?" Kieran was asking, "Hold on to me."
"Do you want another cup of tea," Mum was asking."
"No I just want to get as far away from this mad house as I can," Kieran said, "Come on Franck!walk," he ordered.
I heard the door close, "You ain't a bad fuck all things considered," I said seductively.
"You have such a wonderful way with words," she replied, as we heard them drive away, "Oh, yes, that's it just there!" she added like I gave a fuck if she was enjoying it.
"Oh that was sooo good," she said before I was into me stride, see I likes to get them going, have a bit of variation like a middle eight and then go for the big climax, it's with me being a musician like.
"Johnno, that was good, ok?" she said.
"Fucking shut up you daft bitch I haven't hardly started." I said lovingly and shifted up a gear, setting me rhythm to march time, as I sang, "Hitler, he only had one ball," to keep me speed right.
"No we're finished," she moaned and tried to push me off but in me mind we was at that crescendo bit and blam I was pumping spunk like a good un.
Thing is with everything, her writhing and that more spunk went in her than stopped in the rubber.
"Fucking southerners," I said sarcastically, "Cant wait to get your kecks off and can't wait to get off after."
"What do you expect?" she retorted, "It's about quality not quantity," and then she added, "Oh hell some of it went inside me."
"The whole bloody lot did all seven inches." I told her.
"Your semen," she said, "You filthy pig," and she looked at her cunt lips as she wiped herself. "And look at me. I'm all bruised."
"I like puffy cunt lips me," I said you know for something to say.
"Liar!" she said.
"Ok, but." I said, "How about we screw bareback?"
"No!" she said, "No way!" but she was no match for me so I just popped him right back in amongst me spunk from before and starts banging away again.
"It's like a half marathon," she said suddenly, "About half way you go through the pain barrier,"
"Fucking shut up, all right?" I said and I bit her ear and then as I sort of climaxed she started yelping like Mrs Harris's Chihuahua did when I stepped on it and busted its paw.
"Yap yap yap!" she went, "Oh my god, what happened?"
"A proper northern orgasm," I explained, "I reckon."
"You ready for Tea Johnno?" me mam shouted suddenly, "Only you're cracking the ceiling with all that banging."
"Yeah," I agreed, "Set an extra place she needs feeding up."
All she was worried about was whether she would need plastic surgery or whether her cunt lips would shrink back themselves, but after me mam's famous tea she had a little lie down again and well how could I resist her and it was ten next morning before she kissed me good bye.
"Boots the Chemist do morning after pill," I told her as she stepped out of my life, "Second on left past the Mosque, can't miss it."
I still can't give you her real name since she took out the "Super Injunction," against me, but look at the TV footage, it ain't rocket science.
Things sort of settled down a bit after that, but then I got a call from Mr Boyce from the Standards Board, "Mr Allthwaite," he says, "We have received a complaint about your conduct."
"Right," I says
"Is it true that you promised to hang pedophiles from lamp posts by their bollocks in your election literature?" he said.
"Right," I agreed.
"Mr Allthwaite that is against the law." he said.
"Nobody told me," I said.
"Well I'm telling you now," he said, "I've had about a thousand letters of complaint," he said, "Which I've passed on to the police."
"Oh bollocks!" I said, "Look I just want me expenses and back handers I don't want no hassle."
"Well it's a police matter now," he says, "Good day."
The Police turned up next day, PC Tony Mulholland and Sgt Fforbes again, "We had complaints," Fforbes went on, "Every bloody Pedophile and sex offender in country's written to complain about you," he said, "Poor old Sally from typing pool was up all night writing down their names and addresses." he added, "You're going to be a busy boy."
He hands me the list, I scans down, Morecambe, Carnforth, some in central Manchester, Morecambe again and then, "Dusseldorf, how do you expect me to sort out a pervert in Dusseldorf, I ent got a passport!" I protested.
"Yeah, we had that one translated, seems you misled the electorate you naughty boy," Fforbes explained, "Give him a bell."
They hung around a while, polished off a bottle of single malt whiskey me dad won at the whist drive and said, "We can get you temporary papers to get you to Germany if you want."
"Still cost a bomb." I said.
"Official police business," Tony said, "We'll come along with you, won't cost a penny."
"Fair enough," I agreed, "Pity there wasn't one from somewhere decent like Monaco," I says.
"Don't think we can wangle that," Tony says, "Be all right though, wouldn't it."
"Yeah maybe hire a yacht," Fforbes added with a big grin, "Give us a day or two, you might have something there."
I thought I better start on the list so I gave Al a ring so we loaded a holdall with the gear and caught the train to Morecambe, well Lancaster and a bus the rest of the way.
I was sitting thinking about perverts dying in agony like you do when it come to me.
"Hey," I said, "Perverts right, why not wind their cocks up round a spindle, like the key on a spam can, like what if one wanted to be cured, why not roll his cock up around a spindle and strap it to his belly with a tight belt? Maybe stick a tube through it first so he could take a piss." I said.
"Hey Johnno slow down," Al said, wind their cocks round a spam can?".
"Good idea," said the white haired old lady sitting across from us, "Chop it off if that doesn't work."
"Wind their cocks up," I said.
"Look Johnno, you better think this through," Al said, "You might have an idea there." he said, "Like a key with a slot, pull the cock through and wind it round, like the key on a spam can."
Bloody hell he was nicking my idea and improving it.
"Shit," I said, "That's it!"
"What are you on about?"the bloke sat in front, "There's a chap in our club who is on the sex offenders register, Fairbrother, 23 Arkwright Mews Todbury, I'll write it down shall I?" he asked so when he give it us we shut up and had an argument about Football instead.
We never give the bloke a thought until we saw bus with "Fleetwood via Todbury and Hampton," on the destination waiting at Lancaster station, it was raining and Morecambe is a miserable place when it rains, it isn't much better when its dry so so we hops on board and heads for Todbury.
It was a typical up market sort of village, half timbered thatched roof hovels going for a million a pop, and every one was owned by stockbroker types, bloody wall to wall Range Rovers and Porches the smell of weed was overpowering you could see it was stuffed full of perverts.
Only good thing was the place had street lights, well its a bugger of a thing to hang perverts from a pub sign or electric pole.
Arkwright Mews was a converted slaughterhouse an old red brick place I wouldn't have been seen dead living in but there it was all tarted up with an iron gate and all but luckily some daft prat comes along in his Porsche and opens the gate with the remote and Al and me sneaked in.
"I say!" the prat says, "What business have you here?"
"Fucking Council pest control!" I says.
"Getting rid of pedophiles," Al says, "Working down sex offenders register."
"Oh!" he says and floors the throttle, maybe he shouldn't have but when he dropped the clutch he spun the back wheels and shot sideways in a pall of blue smoke and left two hockey stick shaped black marks as he loses it and the Porsche turns a right angle and T bones a Vauxhall Corsa what was parked all innocent like.
"Pop," his airbag goes off.
"Better fuck off?" Al suggests nobly, "Before it catches fire."
We knocked on door of 23, "Who is it?" the chap answered.
"Avon calling!" Al says.
"Oh go away." he says.
"Avon Kiddy porn," I says, "Your mate said you was in to,"
"Be quiet!" the chap says and fling the door open, Jesus you should have seen him, leather corset stockings, hiding his cock with one hand, "Jason the CD's are here!" he calls.
"Oh goody!" Jason chortles and he comes along in a fetching short baby doll nightie and a blonde wig, "Is it the good stuff?" he asks.
"A grade, you could go down for six months just for watching it!" Al boasts.
"Come in, come in!" the one in black says, "I'm Algenon and this is my wife Jason."
How I never threw up I'll never know, "You're into this stuff?" I says, "We got the real thing if your interested? torture, all that?"
"Oh yes!" Jason says.
"Seeing their ass hole stretched to the limit when they scream?" Al adds.
"Oh yes, yes we love that!" Algenon adds.
"You gonna come quietly?" Al asks as he grabs the nine inch pipe wrench from the holdall.
"I don't understand," Jason exclaimed.
"Councillor Johnno Allthwaite at your service, you want to come quietly or the other way?" I adds as I assembles the ten inch bayonet into the special walnut handle what a well wisher left on our doorstep.
"Uh, ah no call the police," says Jason and Algenon makes a grab for his mobile which was a mistake as his hand was hiding his prick.
"Police!" he screams into the phone, "Algenon Fairbrother, 23 Arkwright Mews Todbury, " he says, "No I don't know the postcode!" he squeals, "I'm not fucking screaming there's a man with a knife, hello, hello?" he says.
"They cuts you off if you swear!" Al interjected .
"Hello we were cut off there's a madman with a knife," Algenon explained, "No I want the fucking police not the fucking ambulance!"
Poor old Al he was pissing his self laughing.
"It's councillor All thorp the BNP nutter," Algenon added, and he clicked the phone off, "Ten minutes!" he says.
"We got ten minutes Al," I says.
"What we going to do for the other five then Johnno?" Al asks.
"I" I says and blow me if bloody Algenon didn't up and leg it down the street, I just stood and watched as he legged it, he shot past me out the door his little arms pumping, his little cock wobbling legging it like a good un in his black leather corset and stockings.
Al nearly had a seizure and then Jason took off after Algenon in his baby doll nightie and high heels.
"Boys!" this female voice says, "What's going on?"
She must have been thirty, well worn silicon tits all dressed like a SS officer all in black with an orange eight inch strap on poking out of the fly, "Oh," she says. "Where thingy?"
"Legged it," Al says.
"Sod it," she says, "They owe me fifty quid."
"Right," I says looking at her, "What for?"
"Window cleaning," she said sarcastically.
"Right, I thought you was a scrubber," Al says and gets whacked across his chops with the back of her hand for his trouble.
"What you doing here anyway?" she asked.
"Bollocking perverts," I says.
"You come to the right place then," she says "Bent as a nine bob note!"
"What they into?" Al asks asking for another whack.
"All sorts," she says, "Strap on up the ass mainly, I ask you, its ridiculous!"
"I suppose," I said as I watched Algenon's ass wobbling as he legged it down the road.
"It's insulting," she says, "Wanting me to fuck their asses with a strap on.".
"Don't get aids with a strap on," I says conversationally.
"Don't get any satisfaction either," she said, "You boys busy?"
"Er," I says.
"Not with the strap on silly, look if you sub me the fifty quid?" she said hopefully.
"No you're all right," Al says, "I should lose the strap on plods on his way."
"Twenty then," she says, "You got five minutes haven't you?"
"Uh," I says and Al fishes a fifty out his back pocket.
"You got any change?" Al asked as she unbuckled her strap on.
"Call it a bonus shall we?" she asked, "Where do you want it?"
"Inside?" I suggested.
"You want a go too?" she asked me.
"No you're all right," I said, "I'll wait for the plod."
"Fair enough," said Al, "Get your kit off then love."
"Oh you sweet talking bastard," she says and she leads him by the hand to the couch and undoes the heavy Nazi belt and drops her black Nazi SS pants to reveal open crotch tights and a G string.
"You going to stand and watch?" she asks me sarcastically.
"No I'll sit down," I said, "You want to rubber up mate you don't know where its been."
"Just fuck off ok," she says to me an turns to Al and says, "You want to feel my boobies?"
"No you're all right," Al says as he drags on a Durex ribbed, and kicks his trousers across the room.
"Oi don't be so, Aggghh, rough!" she protests and before she knows it Al has her on her back on the couch and sticks his tool up her.
"Fucks sake," Al says, "It's like fucking a bucket!"
"Very funny," she says, "Fuck my ass if it's too loose for you," she says and she flexes her cunt muscles and makes Al wince with pain.
"No, uh, you're all right," Al grunts, "Fuck off Johnno! you're putting me off me stroke!"
I watched his pink ass bobbling as he shafted her for a bit and then I left them to it and wandered off down to the gate, plod had arrived in a highly polished white Astra Diesel with a orange stripe and a blue light and were talking to the perverts.
I wandered across, "You Allthwaite?" one plod asks as his mate the sergeant handcuffs Algenon..
"Who's asking?" I asked.
"Look we ask the questions," he says, "You're John Allthwaite right?"
"Right," I agrees.
"From Weather field?" he asks
"Right," I agrees.
"The famous Johnno Allthwaite?" he asks.
"Right," I agrees.
He smiles, "This er, Gentleman says you threatened him," he says.
"No, I just told him Al and me are going to hang the bastards from a lamp post with boat hooks up their jacksies." I tells him.
"Now hang on," the plod says, "This isn't Weather field, we got Victorian cast iron lamp posts."
"All right Banks, they are cheap Chinese reproductions," the Sergeant adds, "This here is Simon Banks, Constable Banks and I'm Sergeant McWilliam, by the way." He had a bit of scots in his accent and sort of stood up straight like scots ex squaddies do, and his trouser seams were sharp enough to cut your hand on and his boots shone so bright they was a health hazard, "So have ye come to rid us of pedophiles and perverts?"
"Bloke on the train gave us the address," I said.
"Notorious these two," he said, "God alone knows what they have been up to," he says, "But as my colleague says I can not let you hang them from a lamp post."
"Right," I agreed.
"Not strong enough," he clarifies, "Might break and cause a power cut."
"Right," I agreed.
"But there's some good oak trees in the church yard," he says helpfully.
"Right," I agreed, "Not a lamp post though is it?"
"No, but sometimes one has to compromise," he says.
"I don't," I says, "Lamp post I says, not fucking tree, they're pedos not highwaymen."
"Good point," he said, "But just so we understand one another," he says, "Break a lamp post and I'll have you for criminal damage!".
"I say what about us!" Algenon asks as he stands there his hands cuffed behind his back so he couldn't hide his cock which was showing signs of getting hard.
"All in good time sir," Sergeant McWilliams replied, "We have more pressing business to attend to."
"What?" Algenon asked.
"Why a parking offence," he replied, "That Porsche over there," he said pointing to the Porsche embedded in the side of a Vauxhall Corsa!
He wandered off with the Constable behind him, "What about us!" Algenon called after them.
"All in good time sir," says Sergeant McWilliam, "I'll deal with the traffic offence first if you don't mind," he said and he winked at me.
"No!" Algenon says and he starts to leg it and Jason follows, tottering on his high heels in his nightie.
It wasn't exactly hard to keep up even carrying the hold all with our gear, "Fuck!" Algenon cried suddenly and he fell flat on his face and skinned his nose and his half erect cock, Jason stopped, I thought he was going to take a swing at me but I got an upper cut in first and he went down like a sack of spuds.
"Aggghhh," squealed Algenon as he rolled on his side looking helplessly at his bleeding cock which was now straining in a full erection.
I rummaged in the holdall and dragged me gloves on and found a pair of rusty meat hooks and some rope.
"No!" Algenon squealed, "No!" he squealed again wide eyed but there was fuck all he could do to stop me easing the sharp but rusty point of the hook up his stretched ass hole, I'll swear the bastard enjoyed it from the way his cock twitched, "No!" he squealed.
I eyed up the lamp posts, there was a concrete one on the corner so I stuck another hook up Jason's ass hole, I had to work it around bit youn know, to get it right in like, as he lay there out cold and then I wrapped the rope round hid neck half a dozen times and kicked him awake with a couple of taps to his head with me steel toe caps.
"Agghhhh," he squealed, it was getting boring.
But how to get them up the lamp post, that needed some thinking about, but I dragged the pair of them down to the corner and flung the ends of the rope over the arm of the lamp post.
There was a sudden blare of a car horn, "You all right?" this bloke asks as the corporation dust cart glides to a halt by us.
"No! help!" Algenon says.
"He'll kill us!" Jason adds.
"Not you wanker," this big bloke in the orange coat says, "You're Allthwaite ent you?" he says to me.
"Yeah," I agreed, "I got some rubbish to get shot of."
"Chuck em in the back and crush em?" he offered.
"No, you're all right, I promised to hang the bastards from a lamp post," I explained, "They been doing kiddy porn."
"Bastards," the bloke says and he hops out the truck and knees Algenon and Jason in the bollocks, they goes down wailing,"How you going to lift them?" he asks.
"Dunno," I says.
"Fucking tow em up with dust cart," he suggests.
"Fair enough," I agrees, "Thanks!"
This old dear had come round the corner, she nearly fainted, "Oh!" she said, "That is disgusting."
"Don't worry love we're going to hang them from the lamp post by a hook up their ass." the dustman said.
"You promised to hang them by their bollocks Mr Allthwaite," she said recognising me,"Surely you of all people will not renege on your election promise?"
"Bollocks, ass hook where the difference?" I asked.
"Because when you hang them by their bollocks their bollocks rip off and they land on their heads Mr Allthwaite that's why!" she insists. God she must have been eighty though she would have passed for ninety easily.
"But swinging from an ass hook they are a warning to others," I tried to explain.
"Well I am disappointed," she said, "But I suppose one must be pragmatic."
"Exactly!" I said wondering what the hell pragmatic was.
"How you going to keep them up there then Johnno?" the driver asks as he climbs out and shakes me hand.
"Oh fuck, hadn't thought of that," I says.
"Needs a fishing knot," he says knowingly, "One of these," and he starts twisting the rope around.
"Agghhh!" Algenon squeal and suddenly the rope is up his back round his neck twice down round his cock twice and up and through where its round his neck, through a slip knot, over the lamp post and back down to the slip knot again and then in a loop to go round the dust car's tow hitch.
"Waste of a good bit of rope, you should use barbed wire," the driver said, "I'll do the other cunt the same shall I?"
"Ugh, thanks!" I said, well I wasn't going to touch their cocks if I didn't have to was I?
Jason wasn't having none of it but the dustman twatted him with the fire extinguisher and he went down like the fucking Titanic, splat! right into the pavement.
"Mouthy cunt!" the dustman opined, "Fucking stay down!"
"You ready?" the driver asked.
Well there was fuck all left to do was there? "Thanks!" I said.
"Say when," he said and he revved the old Seddon Atkinon and eased forwards.
The ropes went tight squeezing their stupid necks and just about cutting their cocks off, then as it sorted itself out their ass holes started stretching and blood started to ooze out.
Jason's cock twitched a couple of times and he shot some turgid gunge from his cock like he cummed before it started bleeding.
"Woah, we're fucking hanging them not bollocking them!" I shouts.
"Who gives a fuck?" the driver asks.
"I do!" the old biddy pipes up, "But they do look very silly!"
I looked, their heads were nearly at the top level of the post and their feet was about five foot off the deck, neither was saying much, just gurgling, one in leather with his cock out, the other in a pink nightie. I almost felt sorry for them, then Al turned up.
"You all right Johnno?" he asks.
"No thanks to you," I said, "Where you been?"
"Up that tart if course," he said, "Fucking hell has she got some cunt muscles!"
"Fair enough," I said, "This old dear says they aren't hung proper," and I points to her.
"Not too badly hung for pedos," Al says, "The one in the nighty looks like he just cum."
"From the fucking neck!" I says, "Hung from the fucking neck."
"Who gives a fuck?" Al says, "They won't be perving again any time soon will they?"
Well he had a point, neither looked too interested in anything anymore, staring at us with fucking glazed eyes they were gurgling quietly.
"Right, about time we fucked off," the driver said, "Nice to meet you!" and he floors the throttle forgetting the ropes was still attached, "Crack!" the fucking lamp post busted where the arm swung out from the post, in a great shower of dust and concrete fragments, the driver stamped the brakes but the harm was done, "Fuck!" the driver says.
The arm was hanging on the reinforced concrete wires and was bent down and round at forty five degrees.
"Woodworm," I says.
"Death watch beetle?" Al queries.
"Concrete cancer," Sergeant McWilliam observed as he returned, "You can't leave that like that Mr Allthwaite!" he says an he takes his penknife and cuts the ropes off as high as he could reach, "Someone might trip over."
"Right," I agreed as he unhitches the other ends of the ropes from the dustcart so I could put them back in the holdall.
"See you," the dustman laughs as they drove away and then it was the police the old biddy and Al and me, not forgetting the pedos.
"What are you going to do with them?" the old biddy asks.
"Fuck all," Al says.
"Someone will have to clear up," Sergeant McWilliam reminded us, "They shit themselves when they die."
"Good point," I says.
"I'll do it," the old biddy agrees, "I'll put it on my Roses."
"That's horse shit," Al says, "That they use on Roses."
"It's all shit," Sgt McWilliam agrees, "Thank you very much madam."
We never hung around to see them croak because time was getting on and then out of the blueSergeant McWilliam announces, "I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station," and my heart sank.
"Why?" I asked.
"Last bus has gone, how else will you get home?" he asked.
"Right, ah, thanks," I agreed, so we piles in the Astra and leaves the old biddy to poke the pervs with her umbrella when they looks like passing out.
"I'll ring the Gazette later," Sergeant McWilliam said a few minutes later as we hurtled through a pedestrianised 20 limit zone and over the speed bumps flat out at nearly sixty with blue lights and siren blazing, "But you'll miss the train if we don't get a move on."
We thanked them and piled out the car and rushed to the platform, we was in luck the train was twenty minutes late instead of the usual ten so we found a bit of space to stand and rattled off back home.
I went round Al's place as soon as I had me tea, "Hey about my idea." I said.
"That's all we fucking need," Al said, "Sandra thinks she needs an Iveco because she can't get up the duff."
"Don't you mean IVF?" I asked.
"Yeah whatever." he agreed, "You seen the telly."
"No," I said.
"You better fucking come in then," he says, "I saved it on video."
I went in, Sandra was sort of upside down against a wall resting on her shoulders, "She thinks it will help me spunk soak in," he says, "Dopy cow."
"You want a go Johnno," Sandra asked all sweet like.
"No, you're all right," I replied.
"Here it is look, when we was up north."
The clip started, that news reader kicks off, "Bong, Outrage among Pedophiles," he said, "Government to investigate!" and there were these two middle aged pervert blokes dangling from a broken lamp post one in a pink nightie, quite obviously dead and the other in black leather equally dead both with meat hooks up their ass with a bunch of their queer mates screaming their heads off, yelling "Get them down now!" and milling about uselessly.
"Bloody hell!" I said.
"Mr Oliver Moody senior engineer with the Fylde District Council is concerned about health and safety," said the news reader.
"They have damaged the lamp post beyond repair," he said, "One of these perverts could fall and injure an innocent bystander," and added, "We could of course buy reinforced lamp posts but there are budgetry considerations."
"Bloody hell Al," I said, "Look at all those pedos."
"It's going to take fucking weeks Johnno," Al said sadly, "Fucking weeks."
I stared at the screen deep in thought.
"Johnno, I need a fuck," Sandra announced after a bit, Al glared at her, I thought about it and nearly gave in but the thought that Al was there half an hour ago put me off.
"No your all right Sand," I said, "You're Al's girlfriend now."
"Bollocks!" she said, which was a bit rich since she dumped me.
"You all right for Council tomorrow," Al asked.
"Far as I know," I agreed, "Why,"
"They're out to get you," he said, "This Pedo thing, seems the Homos are getting jittery they think they're next."
"Who the fuck told them?" I asked.
"They reckon you're Homophobic," he said.
"Me, fucking Homophobic, I ain't fucking Homophobic, I ain't afraid of a bunch of queers," I said, "What they going to do? Handbag me?"
"Just watch yourself, OK?" he said.
Council was a shambles, there must have been half the perverts in England hanging about outside the building, Police dogs, Police horses trampling people and shitting everywhere, what a shambles, but I wore me overalls and sneaked in round the back and they never recognised me.
The Council was boring, I slipped away to the bogs when they elected chairman and the Tory bloke got it.
"Why did you abstain?" an ageing blonde reporter asked me.
"Got offered ten grand didn't I?" I explained.
"Oh!" she gasped, "Why?"
"Well," I said, "Let me shag you and I'll tell you!"
"Ok, cloak room's best," she said, and she grabbed my hand and dragged me down corridor.
Turned out she had bad PMT and wanted a fuck, she never even asked about the ten grand, I suppose I should have used a rubber really but well, it's easy to be wise afterwards.
"What are your plans now, John?" she asked afterwards as she wiped her cunt with a rag I lent her.
"Johnno, I ent gone all poncy because I got me self elected." I said, "But I designed a Pedo Cure." I said, "See you shove a brass tube up their cock to piss through and then wind their cock up with a key like the one on a spam can."
"Oh," she said, "But what if the tube kinks? why not dig a hole in their crotch and poke the brass tube through that so they piss sitting down?"
"Right?" I said, "I never thought of that."
"It needs a woman's perspective," she said, "If they don't need to piss through it you could leave it rolled up till it rots off."
"That was the plan anyway!" I agreed.
"Good!" she said, "You hard again?" she asked.
"Uh, yes," I agreed.
"Good!" she agreed and next thing she was led against a pile of coats and she had grabbed my cock and pushed it in her.
We got spunk on the Chief Executives coat, he nearly went ballistic, but he calmed down when "Susan," the reporter kneed him in the bollocks and reminded him about "Blackpool."
I went down the Internet cafe when I finished up with Susan, fucking emails coming out the fucking seams there were, half of them from Pedos threatening to do things to me, the rest wishing me luck.
One guy from Florida suggested using Pervs for live bait for Gator fishing and one guy from Cornwall explained how they planned to use Pedos for live bait for shark fishing and how they thought they would rip their bollocks off first to get some blood into the water.
Twenty seven people suggested using Pedos instead of foxes for fox hunting and twenty six of them suggested ripping their bollocks off first.
One guy suggested Pedophillia could not be defined as Muslims sometimes married at 12 years old, moron.
I filed the info away for later.
I had a letter from the Party leader when I got in. "Allthwaite you wanker, rot in hell Ok," it said, "No fucker wants to hear what I have to say its all about you and fucking Pedos."
"Get over it!" I replied, "Start figuring out what we do when we run out of Pedos because at this rate there won't be any left soon."
Sgt Fforbes came round Friday morning, "Well according to our records there's no one left on sex offender's register in Lancashire." he said, "Not one!"
"Right," I said, "That's fucked my idea for a cure."
"Plenty more about down south," he said.
"Right," I agreed.
"City's playing Brighton and Hove Albion Saturday, away, they're running a special train or two,you should get a few lads down there sort that lot out."
"Right," I agreed and I forgot about it straight away until I had a few pints later and let it slip to a couple of big BNP skin heads I come across who seemed to like hanging around with a bona fide BNP councillor.
I never thought no re of it until Saturday tea time I sat down to me curry and turned on te telly and there it was on the news.
"Meanwhile on British rail," the news reader read, "There are reports of pedophiles being beaten up in Brighton, apparently several hundred BNP thugs arrived on the 08.26 Manchester to Brighton football supporters through service."
They show all these pedophile types queueing up to get on a train, "Leading to a mass exodus of local residents," The shot changed to some crabby old bloke in an old black uniform that might have been Waffen SS but was probably British Rail.
"Mr Hargreaves, what responsibility does the train company take for these vicious attacks by vigilantes," the reporter asked.
"We put on a special train for them," he answers.
"And what did you do to alleviate the potentially explosive results of this influx?" the reporter asked.
"Put on specials to get the pedos out of town," he said "Except they got fighting and got blood on the seats of the voyager so we found a clapped out class 33 diesel and some of old mark one coaches and took the fucking seats out so thy don't get blood on them" he explained, "The way I see it if the perverts wants to sit they can get a broom handle from Tesco and shove it up their ass."
"Ah," the reporter tried to say something.
"We put a few local BNP members on both trains to keep order," Hargreaves added.
"Thank you Mr Hargreaves," The news reader said, "We tried to get a comment from Tesco stores but they declined to comment," he explained.
"And we're giving free tickets to BNP members all next week so they can check that only Pedos get beat up not decent folk." Hargreaves chipped in.
"Fucking hell Al, this is big!" I exclaimed when I met Al down the pub later.
"We started something mate," he said, "Sandra flogged a thousand meat hooks on ebay yesterday," he added.
"How much did you make?" I asked.
"Fucking lost more like when fucking Pay Pal had their cut." he said, "Bastards at Tesco got wise to me scrounging cardboard boxes to send them in and Sandra wants paying for boxing them up."
"Shit, should have left the business side to me," I insisted as I downed my tenth pint.
Sgt Fforbes came round Sunday, he waited till after dinner, he knew all about me mother's cooking.
"Who's been a naughty boy then?" he asked.
"What?" I said, "I ain't done fuck all."
"You want to read the paper," he said and shoved a copy of the Sunday paper across the table.
"Outrage!" said the headline with a picture of three perverts hanging from three lamp posts on the West Pier at Brighton, "Council workers refuse to remove dead Pedos without having preventative anti Pedophillia injections first."
"Let the fucking Gulls eat them," says prospective Brighton BNP candidate "Nutter" Henderson it added as a secondary story.
"Bloody hell!" I said.
"Right," AL agreed.
"You ought to try that Pedocure you been boasting about." he said, "Don't forget my cut, oh and heres the name of a guy who can make your windup thing for a good price"
As soon as he was gone I went round to see Sandra.
"Ooooh Johnno!" she cooed, when I told her what Fforbes showed me in the papers, "Thats wonderful shall we move in together?"
"You're having Al's fucking kid!" I explained.
"I can get rid if you want?" she said, "Please Johnno you know I always loved you best."
"Sandra you're the sort of manipulating tart that gets tarts a bad name," I said as I felt her swelling belly, "But under the circumstances if you're offering yes I will have a free fuck."
"Half price?" she offered.
"Free till the kid comes?" I suggested.
"You always were a smooth talking bastard," she said and dropped her knickers there and then.
"Sandra!" her mum protested.
"It's only till kid comes!" she insisted.
"No you filthy girl, you can't fuck customers while I'm watching Oprah on TV." she snapped.
"Can you wait till Countdown comes on, she always falls asleep half way through." Sandra suggested.
We did it in kitchen instead in the end, but it wasn't the same, she was having Al's kid and I couldn't get 'Leslie' out of my mind.
We watched Telly after, "Nutter" Henderson was being interviewed, "What do you say to those who say you were responsible for all those Perverts moving away from Brighton?" he was asked.
"Well I had some help, and I reckon most of em went to France," he said, "We're off down St Tropez on Eurostar Friday, sort them out a bit."
"What are your policies Johnno?" Sandra's mum asked, "Now all the Pedos are emigrating," she said and I didn't have any.
"I never thought beyond getting rid of Pedos," I admitted, "I just fancied nine grand a year for doing fuck all."
"You want to try for the European Parliament," Sandra's mum said, "It's more like ninety thousand pounds for doing fuck all."
"Ooohhh Johnno!" Sandra cooed, "We could rent a flat!"
"Look you're supposed to be having Al's kid," I reminded her, "Not mine."
"Shit!" she said when she saw it mattered to me, "Maybe the next one could be yours?"