Gender: Male Age: Secret Location: N/A
|Introduction: I return home from rehab and try to put my life back together.|
In my last chapter, I told you about losing the love of my life. I had lost my wife Carrie and our unborn child Melissa on May 10 1980. I sold our lovely house on the lake a few months later because I could not bear to live there without Carrie. If only I had known what those big, round red eyes were maybe just maybe we would have lived happily ever after.
Carrie and Melissa lost their lives as she tried to beat the train to the crossing not far from our house. I had yelled at her many times, because of how she drove. I had also taken the keys to my hot rod from her many years ago because she had done the same thing with Brenda in that car.
I was going to make my way out west to California to see the sunset over the ocean. Carrie was from out there and she used to tell me how beautiful they were. I had left Frank in charge of our construction company that we called C&J Construction. I had also hired an accountant to handle the finances.
I left our hometown with good intention however, I got lost in my sorrow and despair along the way. The demons that Carrie had always kept away or at least in check soon returned. I was reliving my hell in Vietnam daily in my dreams and in flashbacks.
I turned to the bottle and to drugs to ease my pain. The worst pain was the pain I felt in my heart. The woman of my dreams, the one I shared my happy place with while serving in Vietnam was gone. All I had were my memories and the ghost visions of her.
I had been on the road to California for almost 16 months. I reached the end of my road in a god-forsaken bar in New Mexico. I ran into some trouble with a few local bikers at this bar. I should have just gotten up and walked away. However, I was tired of holding my demons back.
The bikers were unfortunate in that they had to face the monster that dwelled deep in my soul. Carrie had always made sure that the monster in me never came out into the light of day or into the dark of night. In my mind that night in that bar, those bikers turned into my creatures of the night. I sat there peacefully enjoying my bottle of Wild Turkey.
If they had left me to myself, they would not have had to face the monster that lived buried in my soul. I went from sitting in the bar back to the jungles of Vietnam in an instant. The killing machine the army had turned me into took control when the biker placed his hand upon my shoulder.
In less than a minute one lie on the floor with his arm broke. Another biker is on the floor spitting teeth from his busted up mouth. The third biker I hold in my arms with his life in my hands. I would have taken his life had I not closed my eyes before I was going to snap his neck.
As I closed my eyes, I heard Carrie screaming, “JOHN YOU LET HIM GO.”
I looked around the bar as Carrie screamed, “JOHN, Stop it right now or else,” in my head.
I left the biker fall to the floor as I yelled, “OR else what CARRIE.” I heard not a sound as I screamed out, “WHY did you leave me Carrie.”
I felt something pressing against my chest as I heard Carrie reply, “I never left you John, I am still in here.”
I left that bar that night tired and hurting on the inside. I could no longer bear to be without Carrie nor could I face her ghost again. However, I faced her ghost again that night as I sat on my hotel bed sucking at the end of a loaded 45 as I closed my eyes.
My mind took me to my happy place as my finger squeezed at the trigger. Carrie’s ghost was there with her arms folded in front of her as she shook her head back and forth.
“Put the gun down, John,” Carrie said as she opened her arms motioning me to join her.
I went into her arms, holding her tight as I said, “It’s the only way to be with you my love.”
Carrie pushed me from her arms as she replied, “John, if you do that I will not wait for you.” Carrie rubbed her hand to the side of my face as she added, “Always remember John, to live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.”
I removed the 45 from my mouth. I removed the clip and unseated the round in the chamber. I tossed it onto the bed next to me. I fall back into the bed with my arms above my head. I close my tear-filled eyes once more.
I took myself to my happy place where the moon dances on the water. Stars are shining in the night sky to many for me to count. I hear the gentle lapping of the water against the shoreline. I look, as Carrie appears near me a smile on her face. I took her into my arms holding her tightly before I kiss her deeply and with passion.
Carrie broke our kiss as she said, “Thank you John and when you need me you know where to find me.” “I love you John and I always will,” Carrie adds as she walked across the waters of the lake disappearing into the moon as it dances across the water.
Please read all my chapters in ordering to learn how special that woman was to me and I to her. Carrie had once again removed the demons from my soul by returning to live in my heart. I finally made in to California where I watched the sunset over the ocean. I checked into rehab the next day.
I spent around seven months in rehab removing my demons. Drug usage was my biggest problem. I also found professional help with my nightmares. I healed my heart while out there as well. I still missed Carrie but at least I carried her love with me in my heart. I also realized that at least Carrie was not alone in heaven as Melissa was with her. I felt it was time to return home and get on with my life.
That and I had pretty much blown all the money I had gotten from the sell of our house on the lake. It still amazes me today to think how I wasted all that money on nothing but trouble. I still had C&J construction waiting for me at home at least I thought. I called Frank to let him know I was returning home.
“Hurry boss we need you,” Frank replied.
Frank would not discuss it on the phone. He told me he would fill me in when I got back.
I drove straight home well to our company office that is. I saw a dump truck and a dozer on a trailer behind it. I figured the rest were out on a job site somewhere. I walked into a very empty office one filing cabinet and a desk behind which Frank sat.
Frank stood up as he said, “Sorry Boss,” as he hung his head.
I went over to my office and I unlocked it. I looked inside to make sure my stuff that I had saved from the time Carrie and I spent together was still in there. I pulled out my chair to Frank’s desk as I asked him what had happened since I was gone.
Frank told me that the accountant I had hired ran off with all the money about a year after I left. Then the government took most of our equipment for back taxes. The same government I had served with honor I thought as Frank filled me in on all the details.
“I managed to save one dump truck and a dozer.” “I had to let most of our help go as we could not make payroll,” Frank said to me. “There are only five employees including you, me and the new guy,” Frank added managing a smile on his face.
“What new guy?” I asked Frank.
“His name is Rick and he is one hell of a worker,” “He has been helping out for about three months now,” Frank replied. “Boss he has worked all that time without taking any pay,” he added.
I left a smile come to my face on hearing Rick’s name. I knew he had served his two years in the Army and had returned home. Frank asked me how in the hell I could be smiling I had pretty much lost everything. I told him with what I had just been through nothing surprises me.
“Care to talk about it boss?” Frank asked.
I smiled as I replied, “Maybe later but right now we have to get this company back on its feet.”
Frank walked over to the filing cabinet and he pulled a large business envelope package from it. He walked over to me and it handed it to me. I looked and I saw that it simply said “JOHN,” on it in Carrie’s handwriting.
“I found this a month after you left Boss,” Frank said as he handed it to me.
I took the envelope and I went into my office closing the door behind myself. I made some space on my desk by moving a few of the boxes from my desk. The boxes were from our house on the lake. The lid to the box opened as I sat it down. There lying in the box was that sign that used to hang above our fireplace that said, “Hush, hush my love or the creatures of the night will get you.”
I took it from the box running my hand over it before sitting it down onto my desk. I stared at the envelope for a while before I got up enough courage to open it. A bank account book fell out; a letter fell out along with an insurance policy. I opened the letter first.
My dearest John,
I know your heart must be heavy if you are reading this letter. This letter is not to tell you good-bye as good-byes are forever. I will tell you until we meet again and that I will wait for you my love. I know I have left you alone in this world and I cry for you and for myself from heaven above. I had no plans on ever leaving you as I hoped to grow old with your arms wrapped tightly around me. I am sorry for the hurt you must now face. I know you were not the one that liked to talk about one of us not being around and making sure the other had something to help them. In here, my love you will find a bankbook with money I managed to stash away as well as a life insurance policy with my will. I know money will not mend the pain in your heart however it may come in handy someday. John I love you and I always will but promise me that you will go on no matter how hard it is without me.
Hush; hush my love for someday we will be together again. Until then I live in your heart.
I love you John.
I closed the letter back up and spun my chair around to her desk across from mine. I stared at the empty desk where my love once sat. I could picture her sitting there smiling at me from time to time as we worked. That girl was always special and always will be. Once again, Carrie was there with me and for me when I needed her the most.
I looked to the heavens from my office window as I said, “Thanks for being here my love,” as I pressed my hand to my chest.
I checked that bankbook and I do not know how that girl had done it but she had managed to stash almost $90,000.00 dollars into that bank account. The life insurance was for another 80 grand. I called the bank and the insurance company to make sure I had my figures right. The bank told me that there was more in the account with the interest it had collected. The insurance company was sending an agent over.
I walked out into the empty big office and I told Frank to get a hold of our employees. Tell them I want to see everyone in the office tomorrow at eight in the morning. Frank wanted to know what was going on.
“We are going to rebuild this company once more,” I said to Frank. “That is if it’s OK with you partner,” I added smiling.
“I am with you Boss,” Frank replied.
“See about calling up some of our best workers we lost and tell them C&J Construction is back in business,” I said to Frank. “Also go see about renting some dam furniture for in here,” I added giving him a smile.
I returned to my office where I got onto the phone. I had a few favors that I was going to collect that were due me. I made those calls and I line up five job projects all in less than two hours. I also called the god dam IRS to make sure we were square as far as money went. I called a lawyer and asked him to draw up paperwork making Frank part owner before I told Frank to go on home and we would start fresh tomorrow.
“Boss if you need a place to stay I am sure the wife won’t mind,” Frank said to me.
“Thanks but I will be OK,” “Besides I have to go pay my respects to a special woman,” I replied as I patted him on his back.
I went from my office to the local flower shop. I drove to the cemetery and laid those flowers onto Carrie’s and Melissa’s grave. I saw that their grave site was in order. I also noticed that there was another name on the tombstone. I said a silent prayer for Brenda, as it was her name that appeared. I stayed and I talked to the three of them for some time.
I did not tell the three of them goodbye instead I said, “Until we meet again.”
I drove to Paul and Terri’s place next. I knocked on the front door. Terri answered it.
Terri stood there staring at me for a few second before she said, “John, is that really you,” as she wrapped her arms around my neck.
“I am so sorry about your mom, I did not know,” I whispered into her ear.
Terri invited me in and we talked. She told me how Brenda was never the same especially after I went lost. All of them had figured I had done myself in so I could be with Carrie and Melissa.
“I felt that you were OK John just lost,” “I dare not think of the demons you must have faced alone,” Terri said as she stared at me.
I ran my hand along side of her face as I replied, “The only demon I faced was I.”
I sat with her telling her the full story of what happened. I told her about coming face to face with Carrie’s ghost. How if not for that ghost I would not be here today. I told her about losing pretty much all of our construction company.
“John, you are to go on with your life,” “Carrie told me to tell you that if anything were ever to happen to her,” Terri said as she wiped at her tears.
“I know and I have too not for my sake but for Carrie’s,” I replied.
I found out that Paul and she had worked out their problems together on that old back porch swing which still stood out back. They were both happy again. I waited with Terri talking for Paul to come home.
“Welcome home buddy,” Paul said with a tear in his eye as he gave me a big hug.
I told them I could not stay long as I had to find a place to stay. Both of them invited me to stay with them. I kindly thanked them; however, I needed my own place. They told me that they understood but that their door would always be open for me. They also told me that they threw house parties like those that we used too.
“You’re welcome to join us John,” They said smiling.
“Maybe someday right now I have to rebuild my company,” I replied.
I found myself a small apartment not far from my office. I went right to work on rebuilding our company. In about eight months, I had built it back up to where we had twenty-five employees. About a third of what we used to have. I knew I could never rebuild our company to the size it once was let alone manage the company as Carrie had.
I decided to stay small and stick to building houses and small projects. I also still had the snow removal contract. I had to put in many long hard hours but to me it was worth it. Besides, I owed it to Carrie, as she loved our business. The company was back on its feet and I was getting along nicely as well. My visits to the cemetery went from everyday to around twice a week.
I even managed to go out on a couple per-arranged dates. Tagging along with Paul, Terri, and someone they thought I might enjoy. It was nothing serious or anything and I never had sex with any of them.
I finally left Terri talk me into coming to one of their house parties. She had asked me to tend bar as their regular bartender was ill. I told her I would however; I was not for sure if I would be joining in on any fun.
Terri wanted to know if she might share the store of Carrie’s and my love with their house guests. I told her NO, as I would prefer if Sgt. J and Carrie’s story stayed locked away in my heart. I always figured no one could tell it as good as Carrie could.
Terri’s party was only for one night, as their guests did not stay over night. I went over to their house early Saturday around 3 in the afternoon as they had invited me for dinner as well. I had hoped that the twins would be there however, they were with their baby sitter.
“I did not think you wanted two screaming kids climbing all over you John,” Terri said.
I just shrugged my shoulders at her. I used to think about how we would have raised Melissa and the fun the three of us could have had at the lake. The first thing I would have done was to teach her how to fish.
I could always picture Melissa holding up a big fish as she would say, “Ha Ha my fish is bigger than mommy’s or yours daddy.”
Terri had cooked my favorite stuffed pork chops. She tried and they were tasty however not as tasty as my Carrie used to make. I still gave her praise because she worked very hard at them just to please me.
“Those chops were just as Carrie used to make,” I said to Terri as the three of us sat at their table. “Good enough to kiss the chef,” I added just to make her feel good.
Terri scooted her chair back from the table and she threw her arms open as she replied, “The Chef is waiting,” as she puckered up her lips.
I looked to Paul as he said, “You’re the one who said not me,” giving a little laugh.
I stood up and I went over to Terri. I looked down into her eyes as I felt nothing, no emotion, no lust, no want as well as no need. I stood there thinking hell I had not kissed anyone for close to two years. I bent over placing my lips to hers. Terri wrapped her arms around my neck as I felt our lips touch.
Terri slipped her tongue from her mouth. I opened mine as she slipped her tongue across mine. I had my eyes closed and I opened them. Terri had hers closed and it looked as if she was enjoying the kiss. I broke the kiss drawing back from her. She tried to pull me back down however I was faster than she was.
I helped Terri with the dishes as Paul napped in their living room. Terri had on a very low cut tank top, which showed most of her tits. Terri had also gotten the tank top wet from doing the dishes. I could not help but stare at her tits as I dried the dishes. We talked as she washed and I dried.
“That kiss of yours got me in the mood John,” Terri said to me as she moved closer to me. “Did it have the same effect on you?” Terri asked as she stared into my eyes.
I did not want to hurt her feelings or anything so I replied, “Oh yeah,” as I smiled.
Terri tilted her head at me as she said, “You never were any good at telling a lie John,” as she smiled at me. “It’s just not the same with Carrie gone is it John?” Terri asked me.
“Carrie will never be gone for she will always live in my heart,” I replied smiling at her.
“I know that John but that was not what I meant,” Terri said tilting her head again with a smile.
“I am not for sure if I can ever make love to any women,” “I just don’t know if I can,” I replied with seriousness in my tone.
“Then maybe we should find out,” Terri said as she smiled to me.
Terri came over next to me and she rubbed her hand to the front of my pants. Terri looked up at my face as she rubbed her hand over my cock through my pants. I removed her hand from my cock.
“What about Paul?” I asked.
“Its OK buddy I would share her with you,” Paul replied from the living room.
Terri smiled at me as she took a hold of my hand and she asked, “Shall we go to the bedroom John?”
“I I I don’t know,” I stuttered out.
“Better to find out with me than someone you don’t know,” Terri replied.
I shook my head yes and Terri led me back to their bedroom. We entered and Terri closed the door behind us. She wrapped her arms around my neck as she pulled my face down to hers. Our lips met as we kissed.
I tried to put some feelings into my kiss as I returned it to her. I slipped my tongue into her mouth when I felt her hand rubbing against my cock through my pants. I felt my cock start to twitch as it grew as Terri rubbed at it.
Terri broke our kiss as she said, “Well this still works,” with her hand grabbing my hard cock through my pants.
Terri backed away a little and she slowly undressed in front of me. She started with pulling her tank top off over her head. Terri did it slowly for my enjoyment. Terri had lost a bunch of weight since the last time I had seen her. Her stomach was flat and fit. I also noticed she had gotten her belly button pierced.
Terri lifted the tank top above her tits. Terri’s tits were about 36 c’s and she still had those derby nipples only much bigger. I eyed her tits as I thought back to the first time I ever played with her. Terri smiled at me as she saw me eying her boobs. Terri unzipped the shorts she had on and slipped them down her legs.
Terri’s legs were a little on the skinny side however still lovely. Terri stood there with only her panties on which were white with pink polka dots. Terri’s pussy hair was sticking out the sides of her panties as well as flowing over the top of them. I felt my cock start to throb and twitch as I looked at her pussy hidden under her panties.
Terri rubbed at her pussy with her hand through her panties as she smiled just staring at me. Terri then slipped the same hand down inside her panties as I watched. I could see her fingers curling in those panties as she fingered her pussy.
“AHhh ooo,” Terri moaned as she stood there fingering herself.
Terri withdrew her hand from her pussy bringing them up to her mouth as she sucked at her fingers seductively as I watched. Terri turned with her butt to me as she slipped her panties off. Terri bent all the way over to the floor as she spread her legs. She smiled to me from between her legs as she hiked her panties to me as if they were a football.
I caught them and I felt the wetness of her pussy that had soaked the crotch of her panties. Terri opened her butt cheeks for me with her hands. I could see her pink lips and her pink hole inside her pussy as she did. Terri straightens back up then she walked to me making those derby tits shake as she did.
Terri pulled the shirt I had on from my pants. She ran her hands up under my shirt feeling my chest as well as my nipples. Terri then lifted my shirt and with some help from me pulled it over my head. She used her hand to rub at my chest before she used her fingers against my hard nipples. I just stood there letting her do it and doing nothing in return.
I felt Terri’s hand undoing my belt then unzipping my pants. Terri pulled my pants down and I stepped out of them. My hard cock pressed tightly against my underwear as Terri dropped to her knees. Terri kissed at my cock through my underwear before she slipped her thumbs into the waistband. She pulled them down with her face right at my cock. My cock pulled downward with the under ware then popped back up hard at her face.
“I have always loved this cock,” Terri said using her tongue to lick at it.
Terri had her hands on my thighs as she licked at the underside of my cock. Her tongue dragged down across my balls. Terri took the head of my cock into her mouth and then slowly took my cock deeper into her mouth.
“AHhh that does feel good it has been so long,” I moaned out as she worked my cock into her mouth.
Terri soon had all of my cock inside her mouth as she started to move her head up and down on it. Terri had turned into an expert cocksucker I found out as she sucked at my cock. Terri sucked on my cock for about five minutes with her loud slurps filling my ears.
I placed my hands to the back of her head as I helped her move up and down on my cock. I was soon pumping my hips into her face in unison with her head as she bobbed it on my cock.
“AHHhhh Shit,” I yelled out as I felt my cock give a big throb.
My cock jetted cum right into Terri’s throat as my cock was deep in her mouth when it blew. Terri just sucked harder at my cock as it blasted another load deep into her. When my cock throbbed, a third time Terri removed her mouth and replaced it with her hand.
“Give me that cum,” Terri yelled as she pulled on my cock with her hand.
My cock throbbed again spitting a stream of cum across her face. I reached down for Terri picking her up off her knees. I picked her up and I tossed her onto the bed. I grabbed both of her ankles as I pulled her legs wide apart.
I saw her pink wet pussy showing in the middle of that hairy bush. I worked my hands down her legs to her thighs as I buried my face up into her hairy pussy. I squeezed at her thighs as I drove my tongue in as deep as I could get it into her hole.
“AHHHHHhh John,” Terri screamed out as I lapped at her pussy with my tongue.
I started to rub my whole face into her pussy as she orgasm squirting her juices all over my face. I lapped and sucked at her wetness as it oozed from her pussy. I felt my cock still hard and throbbing so, I climbed up onto her.
I placed her legs up onto my shoulders as I rubbed my cock at her pussy. I took my cock and I beat it against her pussy coating it with her wetness. I then slipped my cock deep into her pussy.
“AHhhhh FUCK ME JOHN,” Terri screamed out.
I tore into that pussy of hers. I was fucking her deep and as hard as I could. Her pussy was making sucking sounds each time I rammed it home. I started to fuck her faster and deeper. I watched Terri’s head rolling from side to side, as I pounded the fuck out of her pussy. I think I must have slammed my cock deep and hard into her pussy for about 15 minute’s non-stop.
I just kept hammering away at her pussy. My balls started to ache from banging into her. My sweat was pouring from me dripping down all over her tits as I slammed my cock one more time deep and hard. My cock throbbed as cum filled her pussy. I felt Terri’s legs go limp on my shoulders.
I jump off her and from the bed as I said, “Oh Fuck Terri are you OK,” as I look to her lying on the bed.
Terri’s legs were wide open and my dick cream flowing from her pussy as I added, “I am so sorry Terri.”
Terri rolls her head toward me as she replied, “Don’t be sorry I have never been fucked like that before,” trying to catch her breath.
I sat down onto the edge of the bed sweat still pouring from my body. I sat there thinking to myself. That was what I had just done. I had fucked her in fact it was pretty dam close to hate fucking her. I did not make love to her I just fucked her. I had never done that to anyone in my life.
Any woman I had ever been with in my life I had made love to them. I never just fucked them the way I just had with Terri. I felt ashamed as well as feeling guilty as I sat at the edge of the bed.
Terri sat up in the bed and she laid her head up near my shoulder on my back as she asked, “Is something wrong John?” I felt her hand rubbing across the scar on the side of my chest. Terri peeked around me as she also added, “Care to talk about it?”
“It’s nothing,” I reply staring to the wall across from me.
Terri hand rubbed at my scar as she asked, “You still miss her don’t you John?”
“I miss them both,” I reply as I wipe the one lone tear I allowed to leave my eye.
Terri kisses at my back as she said, “Trust me John it will get better with time.”
I asked Terri if I could take a shower before her guests started to arrive. She told me sure. Terri went and got me a towel then walked me to the shower. Terri stopped me as I entered the doorway to their bathroom.
Terri placed her arms around my neck as she pulled my face down to hers. She kissed me on my lips then said, “Thank you John and remember it was just sex.” “I am sure when you find someone to love once more the love making will come naturally,” giving me a smile as she closed the door.
I jumped into the shower washing away my sins. I know it had been almost two years since I had been with a woman. However, to just flat out fuck the hell out of Terri with no feeling just did not seat well with me.
I dried off and I wrapped the towel around me to walk out into the kitchen to get my bag, which had the clothes I was going to wear tonight in them. As I walked slowly and silently up their hall, way I heard Terri and Paul talking.
“He is still hurting after over two years, Paul,” Terri said with sadness in her voice.
“Honey he did love her with his very soul,” Paul replied.
“I know but he has to move on; Carrie would want him too,” Terri said.
I walked out into the living room in just my towel as I asked, “I was that bad?”
“JOHN, that was not what I meant,” Terri yelled at me as she stood up.
“I know and yes I understand that I must move on with my life.” “Who knows I might even find me someone tonight,” I said giving them both a big fake as hell smile.
I grabbed my bag, returned to the bedroom, and got dressed. I was sure that I would never find another to love or one that loved me as Carrie had. So fuck it I would just put a smile on my face and live with it. Terri came in just as I finished dressing.
“John I did not mean you had to fall for just anyone.” “God knows you are not going to find her here tonight,” Terri said as she came over to me. Terri took a hold of my hand as she added, “I am just trying to tell you that someday maybe you will have to open that heart of yours to another woman,” as she smile to me.
I stared down into her pretty little face as I replied, “You almost sounded like someone else who always knew just what to say to me,” before I kissed her gently on her forehead.
Terri was right someday I hoped to be able to love again. However, tonight was not that day. I headed from their basement and got the bar set up and stocked. Their guests soon started to arrive. There was dancing, drinks and a few places to sit together in the basement plus the bar with four bar stools.
The people at her party looked the same as people that used to come to ours. I even had a woman ask me if I used to manage a lovely swingers retreat on the lake a few years back. I just smiled as I shook my head no you have me confused with someone else.
I had noticed this young couple in their early 20’s the women was a redhead and to me she just seemed out of place. I mean her and her husband had been up dancing when this other couple came over and I believed asked them to join them upstairs for some fun. Well her husband went but she did not.
Instead, she came over and she sat down at the bar. I smiled at her asking her if she would like a drink. She told me a seven-seven would work. I fixed it and I handed it to her. The woman opened her purse popped a few pills into her mouth and kicked the whole drink back as well.
She sat there as both men and couples asked her to join them for some fun. Each time she gave the same answer “Thank but no thanks.” Soon it was just her and I at the bar and in the basement.
“Looks like it is just you and I,” I said. I held out my hand as I added, “My name is John.”
“Hi John I am Sue,” The woman replied shaking my hand.
I looked into her eyes as we shook hands. I could see the hurt in those lovely green eyes. Sue was what I would call a plain Jane. She had average looks, average tits and an average ass. I could also tell she did not really want to be here.
“You are only here because your husband wants to be here,” I said as I looked at her.
“It shows that much?” Sue asked.
“Let’s just say I know my way around these places,” I replied. I smiled as I added, “Care to talk about it.”
Sue said, “Yeah I am only here because he likes to swing,” “I am not really into it and I am very uncomfortable because he is.”
Sue sat there and she told me all about it. How she only went along with it because she loved him. That she was afraid she would lose him to someone else if she did not join him.
“I love him to much too ever be without him,” Sue said as she wiped away her tears.
“Have you ever sat down and told him how you feel?” I asked.
“No I could not do that,” Sue replied shaking her head.
“You can’t tell the man you love but you can tell a stranger?” I said giving her a serious look. “I have seen many relations ruined and dreams unfulfilled all because someone did not tell somebody how they truly felt,” I added.
Sue sat there for a few seconds just staring at me before she replied, “You know your right,” as she got off the bar stool. Sue started to walk toward the step leading upstairs when she came back to me at the bar where she leaned over and kissed me on my cheek then said, “Thank you John,” before she left to go upstairs.
I grabbed her glass from the bar and I turned to put it into the sink against the wall as I turned I saw a picture hanging on the wall near by. For some reason I was drawn to it. I looked and it was a photo of Carrie smiling at me.
I saw Sue and her husband down in the basement later talking and dancing. Sue smiled to me as they walked from the basement. I tended the bar for Terri for the next six or seven parties through out that summer. I never saw Sue and her husband there again.
Fall soon arrived and I decided that I needed a place to myself. I brought myself a small two-bedroom room in a neighborhood not far about 25 miles from the lake. It was a nice quiet small neighborhood and I had about 7 acres of land with it. The place needed some work but hey, I did own the C&J Construction Company.
I turned it into a nice two-bedroom bungalow. It had a fireplace where I once again hung that sign as well as my medals. Pictures of Carrie and I lined the mantel over the fireplace. Our wedding picture, one of us standing under the sign that read “Carrie’s Place” and various photos of us fishing together sat upon it. The little place actually felt like home to me.
I even took up fishing again as once again I felt relaxed when at the lake if something was on my mind. I use to drive to our spot and fish from the shore. Every now and then, I would see a car with a couple of teenagers up there parking and making out. I would find a different spot to fish if I did.
I no longer dwelt on the fact that I missed her instead, I dwelt on all the good times we had in our short but happy years together. I figured that my chances of ever finding someone with whom I could form that special bond and love with again were slim to none.
I stood a better chance of being stuck by lightning. Which by the way I never tempted fate again by cussing at God during a thunderstorm as I had figured he had just about heard enough from me.
Winter arrived and I still had one little problem to work out. Those dam books at work. I was working late at home one night once again pulling my hair out as I did the bookkeeping. I heard a crash and then the sound of glass breaking which scared the hell out of me.
I looked around the house until I saw that Carrie’s diploma for Psychology had fallen from the bedroom wall. I had put it up just to remind me that I was not crazy.
I cleaned the glass up and as I looked at the paper diploma I heard Carrie say, “Go to college John,” inside my head.
I smiled to myself because it had been awhile since I had heard her inside my head. I also knew something else at that very moment. I knew that Carrie truly would be with me the rest of my life.
I had gotten my General Equivalency Diploma while in the Army. I checked around and I found out that there was a Business College near our town. I registered for the next semester. I started Business College in January 1983 going for an Associate Degree in Business and Accounting.
I was more scared that first day at school than back in 1971 when I went off to Vietnam. I was 29 years old and would be 31 when I finished. My mind was set at ease my first day when I noticed that I was not the only older adult in my class. In fact, my age group seemed to fill a lot of the seats.
On my first day, I became friends with a man named Rod. He like I had returned to school to help him with his business. I found out he had a line of American Tae Kwon Do schools which he owned and taught at, as he was an eighth degree black belt.
Rod was my age as well as a Vietnam Veteran. Rod was divorced and he was not afraid to admit to me that it was mostly due to the demons he had brought home with him from Vietnam. He had told me that as we sat after class down at the tavern bull shitting over a pitcher of beer.
Rod turned to me and he asked, “So John just what is your story?”
I gave him a little laugh as I replied, “It’s a long story.”
Rod ordered another pitcher of beer as he said, “I have all the time in the world,” as he smiled at me filling our glasses.
I sat there with Rod at our little table telling him my life story. I started at the beginning and ended at sitting in a tavern talking with a friend. He sat across from me with tears in his eyes.
“My god man you truly been to hell and back,” Rod said as he shook his head.
About three weeks into college, Rod and I walked into our first class, which was Business Management. Rod was popular with the women where as I was friendly but not interested in going that next step. As we took our seat, Rod tapped me on my arm.
“Damn check out that,” Rod said as he pointed over to the wall next to us.
I turned to see a woman leaning against the wall. I should not just say a woman but a very beautiful woman. She stood about 5’ 3” with curly brunette hair, a nice set of tits I noticed as she looked at the people coming into the class. The woman turned toward me and I noticed those lovely blue eyes as I just stared into them.
I had seen a set of eyes like hers before. I was in a trance as I stared into her lovely blue eyes. A smile came to my face as I saw those lovely blue eyes start to sparkle. My own eyes had tunnel vision, as all I could see were those lovely eyes. My eyes finally pulled back to see her full face.
I believe I might have blushed a little as I felt a warmness come over my body. The woman leaning against the wall was looking right at me as a smile came to her face. I smiled back before I looked away from her.
Rod leaned over and he whispered, “I seen that look she is all yours buddy,” as he hit me in my arm.
The class settled down as our teacher walked into the classroom. Mr. P as we called him removed his jacket and he rolled up his sleeves. He looked to the woman then to the class.
“Boys and girls we have a new student joining us.” “Her name is Kay,” Mr. P said as everyone turned to look at her. “Why don’t you take a seat beside John there Kay he is my best student and I am sure he will help you get caught up and let you copy his notes,” Mr. P added pointing to me.
Kay came over and she sat down next to me. I filled Kay in on what Mr. P was talking about as he started our class. Kay leaned over reading my notes I had taken during class. When Kay leaned over my nostrils filled with that same loveliness, my Carrie always had about her.
I had not smelled that lovely smell on another woman for many years. I took a deep long breath breathing in her loveliness. I turned to look at her at the same time she turned to me. My eyes looked deep into her eyes. I instantly saw the trouble look in her eyes. Kay turned from me quickly looking back toward my notes. I wondered what dark secret she had hidden deep in those lovely blue eyes.
“If you are having trouble following my notes I will translate them for you,” I said to Kay.
“Your notes are amazing I should have no trouble in catching up,” Kay replied to me still looking at my notebook.
Mr. P went on with his teacher and every now and then, he would ask our class a question. If no one could give him the right answer, he called on me to tell him the right one. After all, I did manage my own construction company.
After more than a few unanswered questions Mr. P looked to Kay as he said, “Now you see why I had you sit with John.”
Kay looked at me and she smiled as she whispered to me, “Cute and smart as well.”
I once again felt my face heating up as I blushed beside her. Mr. P told our class it was time for a break. The students started to filter out of the classroom. Kay got up from beside me and walked out of the classroom as I watched her ass shake. My god this woman had that plump lovely ass that I just loved on any woman. I sat there at my desk lost in my own thoughts about her.
Rod came over and he said, “Go talk to her,” as he bumped my shoulder with his.
I went out into the hall where I saw Kay leaning against the wall alone. I walked over to her and I stuck out my hand introducing my self to her. When Kay took my hand, I saw her look to the wedding ring I worn. I did not say anything to her about it. I just welcomed her to our college telling her if she ever needed my help, I was here for her.
I returned to our class feeling like a complete idiot. Maybe it was not that I felt like an idiot I just was scared of the feelings that had over came over me. I had not showed any feelings toward another woman in three years and suddenly I had fallen for Kay the instant I laid my eyes on her.
Was it because of those lovely blue eyes of hers that I longed to look into again? Was I attracted to her just because of her scent? Was it her lovely smile as she looked at me? What was it about this woman that made me want her? I sat at my desk running these and many more questions through my head.
Then the answer or at least I thought the answer came into my head. However, it was in the form of a question to me. Was I trying to make Kay fit the same mold Carrie had came from?
We found out that Kay was in every one of the same classes I was. Kay sat beside me during them all. I asked her to have lunch with me however; she told me she was meeting her friend for lunch that also went to our college.
At the end of our last class, I asked Kay, “Would you like to join me and my buddy down at the local tavern?”
Kay smiled as she replied, “Thanks John but no thanks.”
“I understand,” I replied as I turned and quickly walked away.
I was not for sure whether it was my pride or my heart that was dragging behind me as I walked away. I walked outside feeling like a complete ass and a little hurt. Rod came over to me and he slipped his arm around my shoulder.
“Forget about her,” “I meet this girl named Cathy in one of my classes and she and her girlfriend are going to meet us at the tavern,” Rod said.
“I think I am just going to go home,” I replied.
“NO your not you coming with me,” Rod said as he dragged me to his car.
Rod and I were sitting at our normal table talking. I asked Rod about the girl Cathy he had met. Rod described her to me and I thought she sounded hot. I also thought that normally meant her girlfriend would be a dog as I sat with my back toward the front door.
“Here the girls are now,” Rod said as he went over to the door to bring them back to the table. Rod returned with this lovely little dark blonde haired woman on his arm and said, “This is Cathy,” “Cathy this is John.”
I stood up shook her hand as I replied, “Nice to meet you Cathy.”
Cathy left go of my hand as she said, “I believe you already know my girlfriend,” as she smiled at me.
I turned around and I saw Kay standing there as she said, “Hi John,” smiling at me as those blue eyes sparkled in the low lights of the tavern.
The four of us sat around getting to know each other. I found out that Cathy and Kay had gone to high school together. They both were 30 years old and divorced. Cathy had two daughters while Kay had one daughter. I mostly just sat there listening to the three of them.
Kay turned to me and she picked my hand up from the table as she said, “I see your still married,” showing the ring on my hand.
“I lost my wife three years ago in a car accident,” I replied pulling my hand from hers. “I just never removed my ring,” I added as I looked away from her then back to her.
Kay took her hand and she rubbed it to the side of my face as she said, “To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die,” as she smiled at me.
I excused myself telling them I had to go get rid of the beer we had been drinking. In reality, I had to leave to check my emotions because I recently had that phrase added to the tombstone over the grave of Carrie, Brenda and Melissa. I gather my emotions as well as my thoughts standing there looking into the mirror.
I returned to the table and the four of us talked some more. The girls finally said they had to be getting home so we all left the bar. I stopped and got some fresh flowers, which I took to the cemetery. I stood over them talking as I usually did. I never heard Carrie talking back ever while there. However this time as I stood there, the lovely smell of Kay and Carrie filled the air.
Over the next few weeks, Kay and I became friends. Rod and Cathy were dating. I wanted to ask Kay out on a regular date however, I just could not bring myself to ask her. One day in April as Rod, Cathy, Kay and I were at college eating lunch I told Rod that I had just received my income tax check.
Kay looked at me as she asked, “So when are you taking me to dinner,” smiling at me.
“Anytime you would like to go,” I replied. Then I smiled as I asked, “How about Saturday night?”
The rest of the week, I felt like a kid going to prom. I had asked Kay if it was OK if I took her somewhere that was fancy. I also told her I would wear my three-piece suit if she wore a dress. Kay had told me once while we were talking that she loved a man in a suit.
Saturday finally arrived and I was at home getting ready to go out with Kay. I showered, shaved and put me some smell good onto myself before I slipped into my three-piece suit. I looked at myself in the mirror as I did I saw a flash in the mirror I turned again as I looked into the mirror.
I saw that the flash was my wedding ring around my finger. I stood there looking at the ring on my finger. It was a simple ring just a bright shiny gold band. That ring had been on my finger since 1974 when Carrie and I were married. I hardly ever took it off mainly because it was so damn hard to pull from my finger.
“I hope you do not mind my love,” I said to the heavens as I looked up.
The ring slipped easily from my finger. I took the ring and I looked around my bedroom for some place to put it away. I walked out of the bedroom and into the living room. As I did I saw that sign above the fireplace. I walked over and I slipped that ring down onto one of the branches that framed around it. My wedding ring from Carrie slipped snugly onto it just as it had on my finger.
I finished getting dressed then I drove to Kay’s mom house as she was living with her mom. I was nervous as I drove over to her house. The thought of turning around and going back home entered my mind. I soon pulled into their driveway where I got out, walked up to the door, and knocked.
An older woman Kay’s mom opened the door and she left me in as she said, “You must be John, my daughter did not tell me you were that cute,” as she led me into the living room. “Have a seat my daughter is still getting ready,” she added as she walked away.
I sat there with butterflies in my stomach. I looked around the room just so I would not panic. My eyes turned to the archway leading into their kitchen. I saw a young girl shyly peeking around the corner at me. I only got a quick look at her as she ran away when I looked to her.
I was sitting there when the young girl of about ten returned however, this time she walked right over to me. I just stared at this young girl for she had long blonde hair that curled up at the very ends. The young girl reminded me of pictures I had seen of Carrie when she was young right down to those roller skates she held in her hands. I had always pictured Melissa looking as Carrie had when she was young.
The little girl held out a pair of skates in one hand and a wheel in the other as she asked, “Sir could you fix my skates?”
“If you tell me your name,” I replied smiling at her.
The young girl said, “My name is Sherri, now could you fix my skates.”
I took her skates and the wheel from her, I looked at them then I replied, “I believe I can fix that for you,” as I got up from the sofa and walked back out to my truck.
I opened my toolbox out there and went to work repairing the young girl’s skate. I soon had them fixed and the young girl was waiting for me to let me back into the house. I returned by the sofa as the young girl followed me to the living room I handed her roller skates to her as I bent over to her level.
The young girl spun the wheel then smiled as she said, “Thank you so much,” as she wrapped her little arms around my neck giving me a big hug.
“You’re welcome,” I replied as I sat back down onto the sofa.
“Sherrie you leave her mom’s date alone and go play,” Kay’s mom said as she walked through the living room.
“So you are John,” the young girl said smiling to me before she skipped out of the room.
Kay entered the room and I stood up from the sofa. I stood there just soaking in her beauty. Kay brunette hair was styled nicely on her head. The dress she had on was just low cut enough that I could see the top of her fine tits. The dress hung down to just above her knees.
My eyes fell upon a set of the loveliest legs I had ever seen. Kay spun around which made her dress fan out and rise up those lovely legs. Kay modestly pushed her dress back down turning a little red in her face.
Kay walked toward me and as she did the evening, sun peered in through the front window. The sun caused her lovely blue eyes to sparkle and twinkle as she smiled at me. I stared at her for a second before I handed her the flowers I had gotten for her.
“You look lovely,” I said as I handed her the flowers.
Kay took the flowers smelling them as she said, “You don‘t look bad yourself,” as she smiled to me.
Kay walked me into the kitchen and she told me to have a sit. Kay searched for a vase for the flowers. Kay opened one of the cabinets in the kitchen. The vase sat high up on the top shelf. Kay smiled to me and before she could ask, I stood up and got the vase for her. I returned to my seat at the table when her little girl Sherrie came skipping into the kitchen. The young girl climbed right up into my lap wrapping her arm around my shoulder and neck.
She gave me a kiss onto my cheek as she said, “Thanks John for fixing my skates,” as she smiled to me. Sherrie tilted her head to the side as she looked at me as she added, “You going to marry my mom.”
“SHERRIE,” Kay yelled as Sherrie slipped from my lap and skipped out of the room. “Sorry about that you never know what kids are going to say,” Kay added as she gave out a little cute laugh.
I gave a little laugh and a smile as I thought it was so cute how she had went about asking that as I replied, “That’s OK she is a sweet girl,” as I smiled to Sherrie who was peeking at me from around the corner.
Kay put the flowers into a vase as she told me that she was ready. We walked into the living room and we both told her mom goodbye. I was standing there beside Kay as she bent down giving Sherri a hug as she told her to be good for grandma.
As Kay stood back up next to me, I felt someone tugging at my pant leg. I looked down it was Sherri I looked to her as she motioned me down to her level with her small finger. I bent over and she gave me a hug.
“I hope my mom likes you,” Sherrie whispered into my ear as she hugged.
“Me too,” I whispered back into her small ear.
Kay and I left and arrived shortly at the restaurant I had chosen. I could tell Kay was as nervous as I was as we sat down. To break the ice I picked up one of the three different types of forks that sat before us on our table.
“Any idea of which one I am supposed to use?” I asked as I smiled at her.
Kay gave a laugh as she replied, “You know I was thinking the same thing.”
That was enough to break the ice between us. We sat there over dinner as Kay told me all about herself. Kay had been married twice her first marriage lasted nine years to Sherri’s dad. Kay said that he treated her like dirt and was abusive to her as well as to Sherri.
Kay said her second marriage, which lasted only two years, was a mistake from the beginning. She told me she had picked a real loser that time around. They had moved out to Colorado as he was going to work with his brother. However, he made Kay work while he sat around drinking and getting high all day. She hoped he would change. It did not she said as she told me that her husband just up and left her one day to fend for herself and Sherrie. I filed for a divorce and as soon as it came through.
“I moved back here in hopes of starting fresh,” Kay said.
I sat there listening and feeling sorry for her. I also felt sorry for Sherri. She was a sweet little girl who had done nothing wrong.
I did not tell her my complete story only how my wife and unborn daughter had lost their lives. I also told her about the construction company that I owned. As we sat there talking. I noticed when men would walk by her or look toward her. She would turn away quickly or looked to the floor. I could also see how she sometime stared into my eyes then turned quickly away.
I had seen the look in her eyes before. Kay had the same look of horror in her eyes I had seen in my own eyes and eyes of my fellow soldier. Kay had her own hidden fear, one that I saw that night. Kay was afraid of men not certain types of men. All men and that included me. That was why I did not tell her my complete story. Because I did not want her to hear about the monster, I once had become. The night ended as the owner of the restaurant came over to us.
The man looked at us and smiled as he said, “As much as I love the company of you and your lovely girl here it is time to close up.”
We had sat there all night long talking almost five hours. I drove Kay home and I walked her up to her door. Kay turned to me and I took her hand.
I kissed it lightly as I said, “Thank you for an enjoyable evening,” before I turned and got back into my truck driving away.
I cannot even tell you if Kay said anything before I left. I had so many things running through my mind. I drove home confused with nothing but questions running through my head. I hardly slept that night not from any nightmares or ghosts but because of my feelings toward another woman other than Carrie. My thought were as well for Kay may never be able to love or trust a man ever again.
I managed to get some sleep however; I awoke early on Sunday. I grabbed my fishing pole and I headed up to my favorite spot. The fishing was good that day and it cleared my head. I was standing there daydreaming when I heard someone say, “You better not let her get away.”
I turned to see an older man pointing to my rod as it almost went into the lake. I grabbed my rod and fought with this big fish for some time. During my fight with it, I turned to thank the older man however there was no one in sight. The fish turned out to be a nice seven-pound walleye. I returned that fish to the lake, as I knew what I had to do.
Monday morning as I drove to college I stopped at the flower shop I purchased flowers and one single red rose. I drove to Carrie’s and Melissa grave site where I placed the flowers as I said, “You both will always dwell in my heart,” as the sun arose from behind them filling me with warmth. I knew they understood and I hoped I did as well.
I drove to the college and I walked into the morning meeting place where Cathy and Kay always sat each day. Cathy was there however, I did not see Kay. I asked Cathy about her.
“She had to pee John she be right back,” Cathy said smiling to me.
I stood there waiting for her to return. When Kay walked over to me, I gave her that one single rose that I held behind my back. I said, “For you Kay thanks for a wonderful time,” before I walked away.
As I walked away, I heard Cathy yell, “Dam girl you must have been very good.”
I smiled to myself thinking she was as I made my way to class. Mr. P was already in the classroom when Kay walked. Kay stopped in the doorway, as she smelled the rose in her hand.
Mr. P looked at her as he said, “A single red rose I believe someone is in love with you,” as he smiled to her.
Kay came over and she sat down beside me. I did not look her way or anything. I looked out of the corner of my eye to see her smelling the rose again. I then felt her lips kissing me lightly on my cheeks.
“Thank you John you are so sweet,” Kay whispered into my ear.
That was the start of our relationship. I wanted to pull her into my arms and press my lips tightly against hers. I wanted to know if she had the same passion that I had for her. I did not for I knew I had to take it slow with Kay and to nurture her along if our relationship was going anywhere.
That will end this chapter. Just who is this new woman in my life? Can I ever love another woman? Would Kay even let me close enough to her to try? Those and other questions answered in the next chapter. As always, let me know that you are enjoying my story.
Thanks for all of the support you all showed me on my last Chapter. It is nice to know that someone I have never met can share my pain as well as open their hearts to me. Carrie would have loved you all.
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