Gender: Female Age: 23 Location: Scotland The Brave
|Introduction: This is my story for the CAW 10, it is also a true story about a dark part of my life that I am just starting to come to terms with and wanted to share. Please try to be constructive when giving criticism to my story. Thank you to my last minute proofreader and to you the reader for taking the time to actually read my story. Vicki x|
This is my first attempt at writing my story, I have decided to enter it in the CAW 10 also.
Please give me constructive criticism and try not to be too harsh with me as it is my first story and a part of my life.
I felt so lucky to have someone who loved and cherished me so much or so I thought. In my naivety, I gave him my virginity at the mere age of fifteen. It just didn't click that maybe he was using me for his own twisted pleasures. I always thought he truly loved and cared for me and my ambitions to go to art college.
Everything was fine until I turned twenty one. I was at college, working a part time job and had a big group of friends. I began my life anew, one that didn't include him. The stupidest things made him jealous. He called me all the time and followed me around to make sure I never spoke to guys. I didn't think it was wrong 'til one day my friend Megan said something about his erratic behaviour that made me think.
I had been with Andrew for six years and he still didn't trust me while I trusted him with my life. I had to find out why he was acting like this. I phoned him to meet up, as usual he picked me up and we went to his studio at the warehouses.
He thought he was getting some booty that night but his luck was WAY out. He was his usual 'gentlemanly' self, opened the car door for me and took my hand in his. As soon as we were inside the studio I started questioning him about following me and calling all the time. He flew at me without warning or explanation and started to slap, punch, kick and bite me. It only stopped once I was curled in a ball on the floor in the corner of his studio crying.
He fell to his knees beside me, then started apologizing and crying. He was like two different people! One was a sweet, kind and loving gentleman. The other, a vindictive, egotistical douche bag.
Complete Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde complex.
But I fell for it hook line and sinker. I couldn't say no to him not when he was crying and apologizing to me. He made it seem so sincere and in doing so convinced me to stay the night with him at the studio.
He cradled me in his big strong arms and moved my hair from my face as he wiped away the tears I'd shed. He kissed the cuts and bruising over my arms. Slowly, his mouth traveled upward to my neck, and kissed my mouth, cheek and eye softly as I winced with a painful grimace. His hands unbuttoned my shirt from top to bottom then my jeans as he kept kissing my face, neck and arms. Upon sliding my shirt off my shoulders and reaching around to unclasp my bra, he saw the bruising on my ribs and moved down to kiss that spot just under my right breast.
His hand fondled my breast as his tongue and lips caressed my bruised ribs. He then stood up and removed the rest of my clothing gently, kissing every bit of new skin that revealed itself before I was carried over to the bed. That was the first night he was gentle, loving and caring with me. I was caressed, teased and made to quiver with anticipation and desire. He made it all about me and not once did his routine crop up, which often involved him getting what he wanted from me until he came.
That was the first night he had actually 'made love' to me and this was the night when Alexis was conceived. I know this because I didn't sleep with him or anyone else for that matter, for three months after that eventful night when he beat me.
I went home the next morning to see my dad sitting at the breakfast table. He saw my face and his jaw dropped. I was black and blue, with a busted lip, black eye, bruised ribs and cuts on my arms and legs.
I was under strict orders never to see him ever again, but after months of no contact I knew I would cave in soon. He tried to grab me from college a couple of times but my dad was always there to pick me up and drop me off even though I only lived a ten minute walk away.
He eventually grabbed me one day about two months from our last encounter when I was going between classes at lunch, he handed me a small black square velvet box and gave me a half smile.
''Please tell me this isn't what I think it is?!'' I whispered
''Open it and see...'' he smiled
I opened the box to see a pair of big diamond stud earrings with a tiny note inside saying 'sorry'. I looked at Andrew and handed the box back to him, shaking my head.
''I don't want your apology! You beat me senseless and now your trying to buy me back? Or are you trying to make yourself feel better by giving me expensive gifts?''
''Take them please...You know I love you. It's just my way of saying sorry and that I love you. Please Lexi?'' he held my hand and placed the box into my palm.
I was speechless. Finally I found the words.
''Okay, but this doesn't mean I forgive you.''
He flashed that familiar smile at me and walked away, leaving me completely confused about him, us and our fucked up relationship. I went home early from college that day as I couldn't stay focused in class.
That night I put the earrings on as I ran a hot bubble bath, stood in front of a mirror in the bathroom naked and looked at myself wearing just the earrings. I noticed my stomach was swollen and thought it was probably because I'm due for my period and dismissed it, but it didn't stop me from rubbing it subconsciously. I shook my head and got in the tub slowly with a glass of red wine to contemplate my options, particularly what decision I would make about my life, as I lay in the lavender and jasmine bath water I wrote a note.
That note read as follows:-
''My gift to you doesn't come gift wrapped, with a pretty bow on it or in a beautiful box or even a lovely card.
My gift to you is to free myself from the burden that is my life. This life I live is not a life, it is a prison, an asylum, a life sentence if you will but it is anything but a life anyone would want to live. I wander nameless and aimless. People see me but never know my name or care to ask if I am okay. I go through the same routine like clockwork. Nothing ever changes, people use me and I do nothing to stop it.
I am lonely.
I put on a mask everyday from when I wake up until I go to sleep. Do I even know who I am anymore?
Have I become one with the charade that is my life?
No I haven't. I've just buried the real me under everyone else's needs, problems and worries. She is still in here somewhere, hiding, pretending everything will be fine as long as no one knows she is still here. No one liked her so she changed, she became who everyone wanted her to be.
The friend, the protector, the supporter, the comedian, the chauffeur, the chef, the perfect daughter but no one actually asked HER who she wanted to be. They assumed I was the real me not who they wanted me to be, no wonder I have anger issues honey.
Being all those things, with people pulling me in a million directions at once, I will eventually crack and breakdown.
Acting like happy families, being the brave one, the strong one everyone turns to with their problems, they never ask if I am hurting or if I have problems of my own to worry about.
It isn't like I have problems of my own to deal with now do I?
Oh that's right I don't have problems because I have to bear everyone else's burdens for them. But who bears mine? I keep my own problems bottled up because no one will listen to mine but everyone expects me to listen to theirs. No more, it stops here and now! No longer shall I be an emotional doormat for everyone to trample on whenever they feel like off loading, it's a two way street from now on.
You have beat me, punched me, tortured me, abused me mentally and physically, broke me and rebuilt me only to break me again but no more will I be there for YOU to use. Find some other mug to use you bastard!
I am woman here me roar!
Everyone reacts differently to breaking down........which way will I go, Andrew? Which way?''
With my note placed on the toilet for someone to eventually find I took the razor blade in my hand and sliced through my wrists from right to left. I dropped the blade into the tub with me as I began to feel the warmth taking me over as the water turned pink, then everything went black.
I awoke in a hospital bed, four days later, arms bandaged and strapped to the bed 'for my own safety' or so they said. That was when I found out I was pregnant. The doctor had run many tests on me and confirmed it and I was shitting myself.
How was I going to tell my parents after what I had just done and what he had done to me?
I plucked up the courage to tell them at dinner the Sunday night I was discharged from hospital. My dad just stared at me with rage on his face and my mum was shouting at me and demanding I get an abortion. I thought they would support me not shout at me or ignore me, I got up, packed a bag and walked out.
I drove over to Andrew's house to tell him the news hoping he would be happy or at least comfort me. I got out and went up to the front door and rang the bell, a middle aged woman came to answer the door.
''Can I help you?'' she asked
''Isn't this Andrew McDonald's house?'' I drew my eyebrows together.
"Yes, it is. And you are?..." she was interrupted by Andrew and ushered away.
''What the hell are YOU doing here?!'' he shouted in a low voice.
''I needed to speak to you it's was really important. Can I come in?'' I pleaded with him.
''NO!'' he insisted closing the door over more.
''Why not? This is something really important and should be done in private Andrew!''
I heard the older woman calling on him asking who was at the door and what did I want.
''Who is that, Andrew?...''
''She's my wife....Lexi.'' he looked down at his feet.
''Shes your WHAT! I'm pregnant you asshole and NOW you tell me you have a wife!'' I screamed at him before slapping him across the face.
''Get it fixed! I can't have you pregnant! Don't contact me again 'til its fixed Lexi!'' he slammed the door shut in my face.
He had been married the whole time he'd been screwing around with me and longer, fifteen fucking years he has been married. I was fucked. He wasn't going to leave his wife for me, that was when everything CLICKED. That's why I was never invited over to his house or why we always met at the studio or some sleazy motel. That's why he couldn't spend all night with me or go away together on holiday or for a romantic weekend. I had fallen for all his bullshit and lies. AGAIN!
My parents were right.
I told him I was pregnant on the doorstep of his martial home and all he could do was stare right through me. He wanted me to get an abortion as well, maybe I should since everyone was telling me to do so, I thought to myself.
I went to a friend's house and told her what was going on.
''Whatever decision you make Lexi I will support you and have your back, no matter what cos you have to live with the guilt and choice you make.'' Megan told me as she held me close.
When we were talking about the different options and choices I felt the baby turn and that is when I decided that I only had ONE option.
I went home about a week later after letting my parents calm down and think about what they had or hadn't said. When I went in the door my mum hugged me for about an hour and my dad just looked happy to become a grandpa. So I knew what they wanted me to do.
When I was six months pregnant, he appeared at my house, well my parents house. My dad wasn't amused as you can imagine. Andrew got me pregnant then didn't want to know me 'til i got it fixed'. My dad went through him, I think the whole street heard the conversation.
''I was shocked and didn't realise what we had done and I though she was using birth control.'' he stammered and tried everything he could to shirk responsibility as my dad gave him an icy cold glare. It didn't go down well.
''You've been sleeping with my daughter since she was fifteen years old, and your only now worrying about birth control! I could have you charged with rape! I could get your ass jailed! Did you think she was on birth control then? You're in a position of trust and authority as a teacher and you go and FUCK one of your students!!!'' my dad blasted at him with an almighty roar.
Andrew didn't know what to say, he didn't know I had told my dad how long it had been going on. He looked at me with those sad puppy dog eyes noticing my huge belly and breasts as I sat at the dining table trying not to throw something at him for his bullshit and lies.
He sort of stepped up to the plate, went to classes with me and bought stuff for the baby. He even tried to get me to sleep with him when I was seven months pregnant. I was so not happy with him before hand from his previous behaviour and with that one leering gesture I stopped seeing him for a couple of weeks.
It was about two weeks later I had another scan, he appeared at the hospital with his wife. Like I wasn't stressed enough! She waited outside and he came in to see how the baby was. The nurse asked him to go outside and wait as my blood pressure and the baby's heart rate seemed elevated when he was there.
I came out after getting the all clear and handed him a set of photos. I started to walk away when he called to me and said he wanted to talk. Well, he and his wife wanted to talk to me. We went to the cafeteria in the hospital to talk, they wanted to 'buy' my baby. She pointed out that I was only twenty one and still had the rest of my life ahead of me, with a baby I'd be tied down.
She said they were doing this for 'my' benefit, she offered me £20,000 for Alexis. I was shocked, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I got up from my chair and stormed away.
He ran after me, grabbed my arm and shook my body furiously.
"Do what I say, or else."
A security guard came over pulled him off of me and escorted me to my car. I never heard or seen him again until I was eight months.
I was at work when he came barging in, shouting and screaming that he wanted to see me. I thought to myself I'll get this over with quickly. I went outside to talk where there was cameras but no sound. We were talking calmly and sensibly until he brought up the issue of buying my baby again. I walked away from him to go back inside when he grabbed my arm suddenly and pulled me back towards him at the top of the stairs. I was balanced on the edge of the top stair as he held me there.
"Sell the baby to me, or else!"
''Or else what?'' I asked.
He let me go. I fell backwards down fifteen concrete stairs.
''Or else that'' he laughed and drove away in his car, leaving my crying, bleeding and broken at the bottom of the stairs.
My coworkers saw all of this happen on camera and came rushing out. I was rushed to hospital because I started bleeding and had a broken arm.
I was in hospital for two weeks before I gave birth to Alexis, she was perfect not a thing wrong with her, just a bit distressed. Even after all his attempts to sabotage her perfect existence he had failed miserably. As for me I was bruised, covered in cuts and my left arm was in a cast with two fractures.
He even had the audacity to try and visit me whilst I was in hospital, I got him charged with assault and attempted murder and a restraining order.
My dad, my godfather and his friends gave him the beating of a lifetime before going into prison where he got one weekly for what he had done to me. My godfather is the prison warden which made it much more hard on him.
When he was released one of the terms was to stay away from me, I did allow him to see Alexis. He tried to blackmail me into going to his place to pick Alexis up but I didn't know what he would to me, as I know what he is capable of so now he doesn't get to see her without someone supervising the visitation.
My daughter is now fourteen months old and the best thing that ever happened in my life. Being a single parent is better than raising my baby in the abusive turmoil of our relationship.
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