This is set in Lancashire England where people speak like on Coronation Street on Telly and swear a lot. If you don't like the F word don't F-ing read it and give crap feed back, all right.
A sequel to Hanging Pedos by their bollocks from a Lamp Post
"Johnno, I've been thinking," Sandra said one morning between sucks as she gave me a blow Job, "I got my period." she says, "No offence but I'm not going to get a Council house at this rate so I've decided to move in with Alan."
"Right, fucking sly bastard going behind my back," I says.
"Oh I haven't told him yet." she says.
"Look, we'll stay be mates though, wont we?" I says.
"Oh yes, it's just." she said, as she took a quick breather "I get so pissed off with being spat at."
"I know, that's trouble with me being a BNP Councillor." I admitted, "Still I suppose with me expenses and allowance I can afford to pay a tart."
"Well, I only charge fifty," she said, "But it will have to be on a proper professional basis with a Durex and all."
"No you're all right." I said, "Fuck it, I'll miss you." I said and then I started cumming in her gob.
I went down Council offices for a meeting, fucking Lib Dems and Greens and Labour had half the seats Conservatives, Independents and UKip the other half almost, "Ah Mr Allthwaite" some poncy git says looking down his snout at me, "I trust we can rely on your support."
"What's in it for me?" I asked, see I was learning real quick.
"Oh, well, I" he said
"Fuck all by sound of it," I says, "Have a bit of a think eh grandad." I added.
"Hey Johnno!" Al says as he spots me, "How's it going?"
"Not so bad." I says, "What's on?"
"Fucking cock up mate," he says, "We needs your vote for chairman see." he said, "because if you vote with Tories there's equal councillors and in the event of a tie the outgoing chairman has casting vote and he's a Tory."
"Right," I said
"Except we can't be seen do do a deal with the BNP." he said apologetically.
"No problem," I said, ""I'll stay home then, or not vote for leader," I said and I had a think, "It'll cost your lot ten grand and," I had this fucking evil thought, "I want to screw that big fat lesbian tart."
"What Miss Ash?" he said.
"Yeah, straighten the bitch out." I said.
"Fucking hell mate they won't go for that." he said, so we left it he would have a word.
Next thing I know Mum shouts upstairs that there's someone one phone, I answered it, "Ah Mr Allthwaite, I'm Melanie Ash."
"Right," I says, "You up for it?"
"Will you come to my house?" she says and gives me the address. I told Mum I was going out and went round to see her.
She had one of those nice townhouse places down Battersby road, I pressed the door push and she let me in.
"We need to talk." she said, and she let me in the front room.
"Look you fat cow I came round to fuck not talk." I said, "I never fucked a Lesbo before or anyone with E cup tits."
She looked really angry, her bosom heaved, her tits wobbled and my old man definitey twitched.
"You really are disgusting!" she said.
"I had a fucking bath specially!" I corrected her, "So you getting your kit off or what?"
"No!" she said.
"So just drop your knickers and bend over the coffee table." I said, "Surely you had it with a strap on or something."
"Sit down," she said, and when I sat she said, "Yes, I've "had it." she said, "And not with a strap on oh no the real thing Mr Allthwaite," she says, "After Sunday school."
"What?" I asked, "When you was a kid?"
"Yes!" she nodded, "The Vicar."
"You poor bitch," I said and went across to her, "That's fucking rough," I said as I slipped my hands up her knee length skirt.
"No stop it!" she insisted but I dragged her knickers down. "No!" she wailed.
"You invited me in for a fuck so you get fucked." I said.
"No!" she wailed, so I tore her blouse open, her tits were huge,"No!" she said, "I want you to vote with the Tories, demand that Pedophiles are strung up from lamp posts by a meat hook up their ass!"
"Oh," I agreed, "And that Vicar bloke put you off blokes for life?" I enquired.
She nodded, "What a fucking waste," I said, "Who is this vicar cunt?"
"Oh, why?" she asked.
"Want's fucking stringing up," I said, "Look who is he?"
"St Theo's, he's still the vicar of St Theos." she said, "But surely?"
"Cunt," I said, "Can't let cunts like that get away with it can I?" I said, "Not turning kids queer."
She smiled at me, "I want to cut his balls off." she said.
"How about we hang him by the ass hole from a meat hook wrapped around a bell rope and then you cut his balls off, prick too if you want."
"Really?" she said, "What about Police?"
"No, they're not allowed to," I said, "They leave it to Al and me."
"Mr Althwaite, I believe I misjudged you." Miss Ash admitted.
Daft bitch, she looked so much like a cow with her udders out that she put me right off.
I went round Al's place "Hey your Miss Ash wants some vicar pervert hung by his ass hole from a bell rope."
"Fair enough," says Al, "Sandra's got the hump.
"Oh?" I said.
"See I got to have a boy friend what with being Lib Dem and that." he said, "Them dopy cunts thought you was me boyfriend not me mate or they'd never have supported me."
"Fuck!" I said.
"Poor old Sandra's really pissed Johnno." he added.
"I'm not taking her on if she's up duff with your kid!" I insisted.
"Fair enough," he agreed, "I don't fancy screwing no bloke though." he said.
"That's not the half of it, it's when they change ends at half time and he gets to screw your ass." I said.
"Oh for fucks sake!" Al exclaimed, "Anyway what's this about a Vicar?"
I told him and that Sunday we was at St Theo's for Evensong, just two old biddies, the organist , the organists dog and us two.
It was exactly the same service like when we was kids, and even I knew the organist played the wrong sodding tune for hymn 278, he packed up and we still had a line to sing and he started again before we finished.
Anyway the organist legged it as soon as he could when the service was over and we hung about waiting for the Vicar to finish with the old biddies.
"Excuse me, what do you young lads want?" he asked after about ten minutes.
"We was going to nick the collection plate," I explained.
"Oh Reverend!" the old biddy in the greyer of the grey suits said, "And you thought they were vigilantes," she said, "Geoffrey is a Pedophile you know, he does an awful lot for the boy scouts and girl guides."
"Actually," I said, "We are vigilantes."
"Oh Mabel," said the grey haired one to the grey suited one, "How exciting, can we watch?"
"Mabel, Gladys for gods sake call the police!" the Vicar pleaded.
"Oh no, no Vicar, you had every opportunity to have high tea and a threesome with us and you always refrained," Mabel reminded him, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned you know!"
"Absolutely," said Gladys, "My Nephew Tom never had any trouble when he was a scout but when he left he was terribly constipated."
"Yes, I only." the Vicar said as Al flashed his best smile at him.
"Just shut your gob you're talking bollocks," he said.
We all went up to the tower, Vicar had his robes on still, I was quite surprised to find he had a basque and stockings under it and not much else when we made him bend over as Al deftly shoved the end of the bell tower broom handle up the Vicar's ass hole to loosen it up a bit.
"You won't get away with this," the Reverend wailed.
Just then PC Tony Mulholland and Sgt Fforbes turned up.
"You sloppy buggers you never locked the door," Tony said "Miss Ash gave us a tip off."
"Thank God!" the vicar said blasphemously,"Arrest these, these."
"What for?" Tony asked, "You're the one with your tool out and a broom handle up your ass in front of two ladies," he said, "But you got a bald tyre and your tax is out Vicar, now that's a sixty quid fixed penalty,"
"Each!" said Sgt Fforbes, "Or you can have points as well, and what do points win?"
"Prizes?" the Vicar asked, as he looked helplessly over his shoulder at them with Al still pounding his ass hole with the broom.
"Shut it ass hole, not in this game, no, they get driving bans!" Sgt Fforbes explained, "Anyway you two layabouts, lock the door and get on with it," he said, "We'll be back later, we're off down the chippy for our supper."
We knew the big bell was just balanced see, against the stop, not rung down, so all as we had to do was braid the meat hook to the bell rope and jerk it.
The Vicar got uppity when Al yanked the broom out of his ass but Gladys got the lid off the font and belted him round the head with it, after that he sort of had this glazed look about him and when the hook was ready we eased him up and Al aimed the sharp end up his ass and as soon as it was right in till the curved bit was down against the Vicar's tail bone he gave the rope a pull.
Fucking clang, you never heard nothing like it,Clang Clang, fucking Clang! the rope jerked up and the Vicar lifted about a couple of feet off the deck and he screamed like a banshee, Al said, what ever that was, well like the circular saw down Allens timberyard when it hits a nail, "Screeeech." he went.
"Shit!" I screamed, as the fucking hook tore straight out of his backside and there was shit and blood and intestine all mixed up all red and stinking on the floor.
"He really has a very small cock," Gladys observed.
"What we going to do Al?" I asked.
"Stop the Bell," Mabel insisted so we all hung on the bell rope, "And wrap it round his neck!" she added.
"Right!" Al agreed so that's what we did, wrapped the bell rope around his neck half a dozen times, then held him by the legs so he swung from it for a bit.
The poor bastard gurgled a bit and went blue, but pretty soon he was limp and the world was a safer place.
"Fucking suicide," Sgt Fforbes announced when they got back from the fish and chip shop, "Depression, so sign of foul play except that fucking rusty hook now get rid ok?" he added, "Hot it up cherry red with the blow lamp and paint it, just in case."
"Fucks up the DNA," Tony Mulholland added helpfully.
"Better give the ladies a lift home lads," Sgt Fforbes suggested, "While we get the press, I mean the coroner around, and no funny business."
"Right," I said.
"Not you, them old birds are notorious!" Tony laughed, "See you round."
We took the old girls home, they seemed pleasant enough, completely mad but ok and went home.
The papers were full of the Vicar's suicide next morning, "BNP policy claims first victim!" the headline screamed, with a picture of Sgt Fforbes and Tony grinning as they carried a blanket covered body out of the church.
Sandra was round our house next morning, "Can I move back in only I had my period?" she said.
"Make your mind up," I said.
"Well fuck you I'll go back to me mum's!" she snapped nastily.
"You know you don't like being spat at," I told her, "Why don't you pretend you're a bloke and stop with Al?"
"Yeah right," she said.
"Stuff a sock down your knickers so they think you got a cock." I suggested.
"Your not just a pretty face are you?" she said, "In fact you're about as stupid as you are ugly!"
"Can I still give you one later?" I asked.
"Yeah, thirty quid all right?" she asked with a pretty smile.
"Sure!" I agreed.
She had hardly gone when a police car rolled up, Tony gets out of the drivers seat and lets some bloke with a uniform more like a doorman at a whore house than a policeman out of the door.
"John Allthwaite, Councillor Allthwaite?" the bloke asked when I let him in the house.
"Who want's to know?" I asked.
"The Virgin fucking Veronica, now are you John Allthwaite?" he asked.
"Yes!" I agreed.
"So you're the bloke that gave the whole sex offenders register to Wickkyleaks." he said.
"Actually its hangpedophilessbytheirbollocks.co.uk," Tony said.
"No!" I protested.
"So why did we trace it to your computer?" the bloke asked.
"Because you set me up?" I asked.
"He's not entirely stupid then!" the bloke laughed, "I'm acting assistant chief constable Collins spelt B-A-S-T."
"That's not how you spell cunt!" I said, "But I get the idea."
"Mulholland says you're good at vermin control," AACC Collins suggested.
"I does me bit," I said.
"Well hanging pedo's by the bollocks is a bit awkward for us," he says, "Suicide suits us much better."
"Right," I agreed.
"Well we got ITV coming to interview you at half past, so tell them it's your civic duty to out the bastards," he 'suggested.'
"Fair enough." I said.
Sandra came round when the TV van turned up, "Shall I get my tits out?" she asked.
"No!" I said, "She's the local tart from next door," I explained, to a weasly looking bloke who seemed scared out of his wits.
"Mr, ugh, Allthwaite I presume," said some ageing tart that looked like that TV presenter's mum and turned out to be the presenter herself as she looked down her snitch at me.
"Yeah, you look a lot younger on telly." I said.
"What!" she snapped.
"You look fucking rough love," I said.
"Charming!" she replied, "Coming from a Homophobe."
"Look bitch, I'm fucking straight me," I said, "Ain't I Sandra."
"Yes,!" Sandra said, "Shall I get my tits out now?"
"A Homphobe hates Homosexuals!" the presenter said with a sigh.
"Right," I said, "I thought they come from the former soviet province of Homophobia!"
"Comedian, god help us a BNP commedian." she said, "Well I'm 'Leslie' as I'm sure you know and this is Algenon, my assistant and the gentleman with the camera is his partner Franck," she said, she wasn't really Leslie but she took out this injunction so I'll call her Leslie, anyway she stared hard at Franck, his jeans were so tight you could see the veins on his cock through them. He had ponce written all over him and he was so shit scared that his hands were shaking as he tried to aim the camera at us.
"Camera rolling," Franck said.
"Mr Allthwaite," 'Leslie' asked, "Why have you leaked this confidential information which puts the lives of many innocent people at risk?"
"Look, I don't want no innocent people hurt, if you ain't up to taking on no pedo then get a mate or two along," I said and fucking crash, fucking Franck had fainted and dropped the camera.
Algenon pounced on Franck and started giving him the kiss of life and Sandra got her tits out in case the camera was still running.
"Oh for gods sake!" 'Leslie' snapped, "You scared him you oaf!"
"He's nowt to worry about if he isn't no pedo," I explained, Leslie gave me one of those pitying looks posh bints give.
"Eighteen months, the boy was fifteen." she said.
"Fuck!" I said
"Something like that, more likely buggery," Leslie suggested, "That's what he likes, my husband, Franck."
"Right," I said, "Well live and let die that's what I says."
"Wake up!" Algenon said, but the idle bastard just lay there slobbering over mum's carpet.
"Oi cunt!" I said as I kicked Fanck round the cheek with me steel toe cap, "Wakey wakey."
He stirred, "Where am I?" he said.
"Somewhere they don't like pedos much." I explained, and he fainted again.
"Mr Allthwaite!" Leslie gasped, "Please!"
"What?" I asked.
"Just do the interview." 'Leslie' said and she turned on Sandra, "And you put your tits away please!"
"Fuck you!" Sandra snapped and flounced out.
"You look quite fit on TV, quite tasty," I said by way of trying to butter her up.
"Don't get any ideas Mr Allthwaite," she said, but her bra was too tight and too thin for secrets and her nipples started poking through it like dolphin's snouts.
"You better get a wank love," I said all seductive like, "Before you explode."
She belted me one round me face 'splat.' "Bastard!" she swore and she was shaking she was so wound up.
"Feisty little bitch ain't ya?" I said and I grabbed her and hauled her up on my shoulder and took her upstairs to calm her down, she screeched and wailed but I dragged her up to my bedroom and chucked her on the bed, she had this blue skirt on which came down real sweet, and white panties and hold up stockings, well the pants came down showing a sodding brown skid mark like she'd been taking it up the ass the filthy bitch, and I shoved her face in the pillow and got me tool out ready to climb aboard.
"Have you got anything?" she gasped.
"Yeah Durex," I said referring to me pack of three condoms.
"Coke, an "E" anything for a buzz?" she asked.
"Stupid bitch, my cock will give you all the buzz you can handle." I told her.
"You're so strong!" she said as I wrenched her over on her back and got her knees apart, "So fuck me you brute!" she added.
Brute, she was the one with the shitty kecks, but I rubbered up and climbed up on the bed and eased my tool at her, and with her guiding me as well I slipped her a length, christ you would have thought I was screwing the Virgin queen herself, "Oh it's too big! she wailed, but it weren't it was a nice sliding fit, and she relaxed and all them wrinkles seemed to disappear from her face and she stared at me wide eyed like.
"You like that?" I asked, "Do you?"
"Mmmm," she said, "Don't stop."
"You ain't a bad fuck all things considered," I said seductively.
"You have such a wonderful way with words," she replied, "Oh, yes, that's it just there!" she added like I gave a fuck if she was enjoying it.
"Oh that was sooo good," she said before I was into me stride, see I likes to get them going, have a bit of variation like a middle eight and then go for the big climax, it's with me being a musician like.
"Jonno, that was good, ok?" she said.
"Fucking shut up you daft bitch I haven't hardly started." I said lovingly and shifted up a gear, setting me rhythm to march time, as I sang, "Hitler, he only had one ball," to keep me speed right.
"No we're finished," she moaned and tried to push me off but in me mind we was at that crescendo bit and blam I was pumping spunk like a good un.
Thing is with everything, her writhing and that more spunk went in her than stopped in the rubber.
"Fucking southerners," I said sarcastically, "Cant wait to get your kecks off and can't wait to get off after."
"What do you expect?" she retorted, "It's about quality not quantity," and then she added, "Oh hell some of it went inside me."
"The whole bloody lot did all seven inches." I told her.
"Your semen," she said, "You filthy pig," and she looked at her cunt lips as she wiped herself. "And look at me. I'm all bruised."
"I like puffy cunt lips me," I said you know for something to say.
"Liar!" she said.
"Ok, but." I said, "How about we screw bareback?"
"No!" she said, "No way!" but she was no match for me so I just popped him right back in amongst me spunk from before and starts banging away again.
"It's like a half marathon," she said suddenly, "About half way you go through the pain barrier,"
"Fucking shut up, all right?" I said and I bit her ear and then as I sort of climaxed she started yelping like Mrs Harris's Chihuahua did when I stepped on it and busted its paw.
"Yap yap yap!" she went, "Oh my god, what happened?"
"A proper northern orgasm," I explained, "I reckon."
"You ready for Tea Jonno?" me mam shouted suddenly, "Only you're cracking the ceiling again."
"Yeah," I agreed, "Set an extra place she needs feeding up."
All she was worried about was whether she would need plastic surgery or whether her cunt lips would shrink back themselves, but after me mam's famous tea she had a little lie down again and well how could I resist her and it was ten next morning before she kissed me good bye.
"Boots the Chemist do morning after pill," I told her as she stepped out of my life, "Second on left past the Mosque, can't miss it."
I still can't give you her real name since she took out the "Super Injunction," against me, but look at the TV footage, it ain't rocket science.
Things sort of settled down a bit after that, but then I got a call from Mr Boyce from the Standards Board, "Mr Allthwaite," he says, "We have received a complaint about your conduct."
"Right," I says
"Is it true that you promised to hang pedophiles from lamp posts by their bollocks in your election literature?" he said.
"Right," I agreed.
"Mr Allthwaite that is against the law." he said.
"Nobody told me," I said.
"Well I'm telling you now," he said, "I've had about a thousand letters of complaint," he said, "Which I've passed on to the police."
"Oh bollocks!" I said, "Look I just want me expenses and back handers I don't want no hassle."
"Well it's a police matter now," he says, "Good day."
The Police turned up next day, PC Tony Mulholland and Sgt Fforbes again, "We had complaints," Fforbes went on, "Every bloody Pedo in country's written to complain about you," he said, "Poor old Sally from typing pool was up all night writing down their names and addresses." he added, "You're going to be a busy boy."
He hands me the list, I scans down, Morecome, Carnforth, some in central Manchester, Morecombe again and then, "Dusseldorf, how do you expect me to sort out a pedo in Dusseldorf, I ent got a passport!" I protested.
"Yeah, Sally had that one translated, seems you misled the electorate you naughty boy," Fforbes explained, "Give him a bell."
They hung around a while, polished off a bottle of single malt whiskey me dad won at the whist drive and said, "We can get you temporary papers to get you to Germany if you want."
"Still cost a bomb." I said.
"Official police business," Tony said, "We'll come along with you, won't cost a penny."
"Fair enough," I agreed.
It was about a week later we arrived in Dusseldorf, we put up in one of those Travel Lodges all three of us in one sodding room, I'm sure Fforbes farted the entire 1812 overture at least twice and the place stunk like a piggery by morning, couldn't even have a wank.
I thought we was going to see a Pedo but Herr Blick was something else, seems he was professor of psychology at a private clinic dedicated to helping those with sexual problems.
"Ah Mr Allthwaite, you are BNP no?" he said, as soon as we got in his flashy office in a brand new concrete and glass office block on a brand new trading estate just outside Dusseldorf, "My own grandfather was a Nazi," he said in better english than me mum spoke,"A great man great man, worked for the KGB after the war." he explained, "Very humane."
"Right, what's your beef then?" I asked.
"You cannot hang Pedophiles by their bollocks from a lamp post." he said.
"Why the fuck not, what's it got to do with you anyway?" I says.
"I have done research and it cannot be done." he says, "The tissue is not strong enough and the bollocks tear off every time"
"Even when they got a hard on?" I asked.
"Indeed, even when wrapped securely around the root of the erect cock the bollocks or even the complete cock tears off before the body weight can be properly supported." he said.
"I figured that for me self," I told him, "I think a meat hook up the ass has to be a better answer."
"Yes, but expensive," he said, "Have you considered a cluster of coat hangers?"
"No, not really," I said.
"You can get them free from most charity shops because they don't know what to do with them," he added.
"You brought me all the fucking way from England to tell me this?" I asked.
"Oh no, we are the worlds leading correctional clinic for Pedophilia, no, I wish to show you how Pedophilia can be treated humanely, if you are interested," he explained.
"Humane, die in fucking agony is about right," I suggested.
"But we try to cure them," he explained, "If your friends will allow I shall guide you on a tour."
"Sounds fucking boring," I explained, "But might as well, you coming Tony?"
"Nah, you're all right Johnno," Tony says so they kits me up with a white coat and a name tag and Dr Blick takes me downstairs and through a security door and into the clinic.
"First we have the testing room," he says an he takes me through two sets of security doors, like great thick sound proofed ones into a room about twelve foot square with a wooden chair and like an old fashioned school desk in front of it and poking out of the chair seat a slim polished metal dildo.
"Here is variable voltage supply and variable capacitor," he explained, "Grandfather invented it in 1942!"
I thought it looked clapped out for something German.
"Should be in a museum!" I suggested.
"Oh no, the idea, no this is quite new, quite new, from Russia you see, poor quality but it does the job, shall I demonstrate."
"Fuck off I aint no Pedo!" I says.
"No, we have a gentleman to test, please sit in the corner," he motioned to a chair, "And we shall bring him in." he said something in the intercom and two big guys brought a suspected Pedo in.
The guy was maybe fifty, fat, balding, leery, pervert, school-teachery type, and he wore what I realised later was the standard uniform, brown shirt, boots and leather shorts but with the crotch cut out and flaps like a loin cloth covering his ass and balls. He had his hands cuffed behind him.
"Sit!" Dr Blick ordered as he squirted some lube on the shiny dildo, it looked like old sump oil.
"What the fuck's that, it looks like sump oil?" I asked.
"Is from my Opel," he agreed, "Good stuff, synthetic, very slippery."
The suspected Pedo was worried now, but as he was manhandled onto the seat so Blick aimed the silver dildo at his ass hole and with two eighteen or twenty stone blokes pushing soon the suspect was sitting down with five inches of steel up his jacksy.
"He is registered Homosexpervertenmenschen," or something similar Dr Blick explained, "We use other electrode when is straight guy, strap on, round neck, do you see?"
I didn't to be honest but I nodded anyway.
It was the work of a moment to put a dog collar on him with a leash which attached to the chair and held him down, and then they lashed his ankles to the legs of the chair.
"Now we adjust the machinery," Blick said and he moved the desk closer which is when I realised the side of the desk towards the bloke was metal.
"And action!" Blick announced, as the two men slipped away and out of the room.
There was a projector on the wall above me and suddenly the image of a little boy in school uniform appeared on screen.
"Watch his cock," Blick whispered.
"Fuck off, I ain't into this," I said but a film of a ordinary bloody kid in shorts and tee shirt with trainers just walking down the street was on.
"Watch!" Dr Blick said, "Watch the cock!" he said.
"Right," I agreed and sure enough the flap on mateys shorts was lifting, just seeing a ordinary kid in the street was giving him a cock stand, "So he's a pedo, now what." I said.
The shot changed to kids in a playground, matey was getting into this now, his tool was definitely stiffening, Blick pointed to the switch he was about to throw from "Safe," to "Arm," but first he selected 1500 volts and three seconds.
I never watched a bloke's cock swelling before, except my own, it sort of got all moist at the tip as it reared, straightening as he failed to control his pervert emotions, and sure enough the tip was heading for the metal plate.
"With the ass electrode and the plate it should make circuit any time," he said but the tip was already in contact with the plate and there was a sizzling noise.
"AAaggghhhhh," the Pedo screamed, as a smell like roast pork drifted across the room and his cock twitched shot a load of blood and grey spunk over the polished aluminium and went limp.
"Now I shall increase the voltage," Dr Blick said, "But you must leave Mr Allthwaite as the next film is illegal other than for medical use in the clinic."
I sat in a lounge sort of room with Tony Mulholland and Sgt Fforbes and watched the next bit on a widescreen TV, christ did that bastard jump, the sparks were jumping an inch onto his cock every time he got hard but he kept right on getting stiffies, even when all the skin had blistered off his cock.
"Excuse me gentlemen," Dr Blick said finally and he went into the room and must have pushed the voltage right up, because the next time matey got hard there was an almighty bang and most of his cock vaporised.
He went limp, I thought he was dead but we weren't that lucky.
"Is simple, test and cure in one operation," he said proudly, "My grand father was a great man."
"Look that's ok but we want the bastards hung up." I explained.
"Is not possible," he said, "But come take a snack, then I shall set up the experiment."
The tray of German sausages we were offered for a snack were not ideal, "Look like fucking dogs pricks," Tony observed.
"Tastes all right," I said but I was careful to cut mine up into slices first, the sight of Fforbes stuffing what looked like a dog's cock in his gob nearly made me throw up.
The German Cola wasn't too bad, and the girl that served it was quite tasty, but pretty soon Blick came back to show us the "Experiment!"
There was this room, like an operating theatre with a naked bloke strapped to a bed, but as Dr Blick pointed out there was a projector projecting films on the ceiling and one of those cranes they use for hauling fat bastards in and out of bed stood over the bloke's cock.
"This is Helga," Dr Blick introduced his glamorous assistant, gee, 34 inch legs 34 Inch tits crisp white nurses smock, short white skirt, blonde christ she made Sandra look a bit second rate.
"Now observe Helga please," Blick continued, "Helga will establish if the man is a normal man, Helga."
She strode across to him, slipped off her panties and climbed up on the bed until she straddled him, one knee by each ear and her blonde furred cunt right over his face, Christ I had to sort my tool out as he swelled and Tony was struggling too.
"Yah, nothing!" Dr Blick observed as the mans penis remained curled up.
"Down Helga," she brought her pussy closer to the mans lips, "No off the bed!" he said, "You cannot get staff." he said apologetically, "Regulations, I have to employ a registered sex worker."
"Yes," we agreed, "Right!"
"So next," Dr Blick explained, "We have the movie," he flicked a switch and the image of a boy walking along the side of a canal came on, someone's kid, dressed like kids do, just normal, "See!" he shouted, "Look a cockstand!"
We stared, the blokes tool was standing up, "Helga," Dr Blick ordered, "The noose!"
She smiled and reached up, a noose of black leather was looped around the crane and she swung it down and deftly tied it tight around the root of the mans cock, tight around under his balls.
"Wass is das?" or something the bloke says all worried like as Helga handed the hand control to Dr Blick.
"It won't hurt a bit!" says Dr Blick.
"No it'll be fucking agony!" muttered Tony, and with a whine the motor took the strain, of course his bollocks got pulled up his shaft, he started screaming then, higher and higher an then like a crimson waterfall the skin pulled apart and his balls and all the nerves and that fell out as his shaft collapsed.
"Schweinhunt!" was about all I understood of what the bloke was saying, screaming his fucking head off he were, as blood and spunk and everything splattered and dripped over the bed.
"See, the bollocks will not support the weight," Dr Blick said.
"For fuck's sake we knew that, didn't have to come three thousand miles to see it," I suggested.
"Better than stuck behind a desk," Tony suggested, "Still he said he would help you figure out a better way."
"Now, next room we have my solution," Dr Blick said, "Come see!"
We went down the corridor, Blick opened a door and there was a guy in leather pants with the front cut out, the biggest hard on you ever did see and his feet about six inches above the floor as he swung from something, I stared, he had a brown shirt and a dog collar with the rope through it but he wasn't dying.
"Ha, see!" Dr Blick said, "Now look!" he spun the bloke round, "Meat hook up ass, you see!"
"For fucks sake!" I said, "The poor sods enjoying it!"
"Ja, there is a problem," he agreed, "We use cluster of coat hangers for production model."
"So don't feed the rope through the collar." I suggested, "Let it rip the bastard open!"
"Ya," Dr Blick said thoughtfully, "And if we have loop of cord around the cock also?" he suggested, and then he yelled, "Helga, my office now!"
She just grinned and tottered after him on her ridiculous high heels, "He is sadist," she said, "I shall calm him down."
They were gone a good twenty minutes, "Christ I reckon old Herman gets a cock stand every time he rips the bollocks off of a pervert." Tony exclaimed, and Sgt Fforbes looked real sheepish so I figured he had one as well, so did I but that was Helga's effect on me, wow!
The poor old kraut what was swinging happily from the hook up his ass never knew what hit him when we sorted out his straps, Helga lashed his bollocks to the hook and Dr Blick released the collar and then we gave it a go and "Thwack!" I'm buggered if he didn't pirouette over around the hook an smash his stupid skull into the deck.
"Fucking hell Johnno, his fucking lights have gone out!" Tony exclaimed, but at least we hadn't ripped his bollocks off I thought.
"We should have winched him higher," Dr Blick agreed, "But we have the jist of an idea, yes?"
"Yes," we agreed, we could have told him that in first place but the Germans don't have no imagination so they do everything by theory and testing instead of getting stuck in and doing the trial and error bit like we do back home.
"So we are agreed?" he says, "So come." he said and we left the pedo bloke led on the ground ass in the air and all the side of his face smashed in and we followed Dr Blick down a long brightly lit corridor and out across the car park to a dodgy looking corrugated temporary building on a building plot opposite.
We went in, everything was covered in grey dust, "Gentlemen, meet Mr John Allthwaite," Blick pipes up.
Of course they thought Fforbes was me, must have mistook his Lanky constabulary uniform for waffen ss or something, but they all spoke reasonable English so we had that sorted out pretty quick.
"What I propose," Dr Blick said,"And why we invited you over to Germany is to market the Blick S500 range as the Allthwaite S 500 in the UK.
"Right," I says, "But what the fuck is a S 500?"
"Why an EU approved lamp post in reinforced concrete stressed for a one thousand kilogram hanging load of course!" he said, "It is against EU law to hang Pedophiles from lamp posts unless they have the EU compliance kite mark."
"No Johnno, the fucking lamp posts not the fucking Pedos." Tony added.
"Fair play," I says, and Blick took us to see this store room stuffed with S 500s.
"See the reinforced hook," he said, "In stainless steel."
"Right," I says.
"Five per cent of profits if we can use your name." he offered.
"Sounds fair," I said
"Seven point five," he countered automatically before he realised he was talking to a mug, "Ah yes five per cent," he said "Nett."
"Give us the chit and I'll sign," I said and that was about it when Fforbes and Tony counter-signed it.
I was going to be famous.
It was about three in the morning when I had this thought, Blick lent me Dushka for the night, dark haired Lithuanian, didn't speak a word of English but fucked like a bunny rabbit, and let us stay at his gaff.
It just hit me, you know, like the key on a spam can, like what if a Pedo wanted to be cured, why not roll his cock up around a spindle and strap it to his belly with a tight belt? Maybe stick a tube through it first so he could take a piss.