I awoke from my dreamless sleep moments after dusk and opened my coffin. Darkness had descended upon the city and I felt the need. I was hungry. It was time to feed. It had been this way for several centuries and it wouldn’t change in millennia as long as I was nourished with human blood. Not just any human blood but…well, I’m getting ahead of myself. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Boris; Count Boris, to be exact from a long royal lineage in Eastern Europe. As you may have guessed, I’m a vampire. How I became a vampire is a long and interesting story but I won’t relate that tale now.
My prey this night was in a modern American city. People who live here feel compelled to go out at night no matter how dangerous it might be so there is always plenty of nourishment to be had. The occasional mugger is a worry, to be sure, but no one is worried about vampires in this enlightened society. It was quite different as little as a century before when the vast majority stayed indoors at night and set wards against my kind. Being able to feed regularly was a challenge. Now, it’s ridiculously easy with vampires these days the mere stuff of myths and legends recounted in books, films and television shows.
I spied my prey almost immediately, a young, pretty and well-dressed woman with long blonde hair out alone strolling in a park. She was wearing a miniskirt and high heels. Very lovely. Perhaps she was waiting for her husband or boyfriend. Or she might have been a prostitute patrolling the park for a customer. It didn’t matter to me. She’d be late for any planned rendezvous. The woman was mine for now. The park was well-forested for use as cover. I caught her eye and instantly she was under my spell. It was too easy. The fetching beauty had no thought of resisting. She followed me off the pathway to a small hidden group of trees. No one will see us. Her neck was exposed and neatly punctured with my fangs. I drank. “Argh! Ptooey! Ptooey! What are you trying to do, poison me?” I yelled. The spell was broken and the woman jumped back in fright.
“I’m sorry!” she screamed and started crying. That voice!
“You…you’re not a woman! You’re a man dressed as a woman! A cross dresser!” He merely nodded his head and continued crying.
“Stop crying!” I hissed. “I’m not going to kill you.” Normally I would have disappeared in a puff of smoke and made my escape but I didn’t need this nut to start screaming about someone going around biting necks. There are some real sick individuals out there who fancy themselves vampires and do just that.
“I wish you would,” the boy replied.
“I wish you’d kill me. I don’t want to live.”
“Well, vampires these days don’t go around killing people so you’re out of luck with me. It stirs up the authorities. You’re what, 18 years old? I’d say you have a lot to live for, uh…what’s your name?”
“Billy. My name is Billy and I’m 20 years old.”
“That’s a nice name, Billy. Well, Billy, if it’s any consolation to you I was certainly fooled by your appearance. I thought for sure you were a woman and believe me; I’m an expert.”
“I’m tired of fooling people,” the young man replied. “You’re a vampire, aren’t you? Why don’t you go ahead and suck out all my blood? I won’t resist. You’d be doing me a favor.” Billy sniffled some more but at least he stopped crying.
“My recommended nightly allowance is one pint or 500 milliliters metric if I’m anyplace else besides the States so I can’t oblige you there. Besides that, as you might have surmised, your blood and my tastes are incompatible. Anyway, if you want to stop fooling people all you have to do is change your wardrobe to one more appropriate to your gender. Problem solved!”
“You don’t understand,” Billy said sadly. “No one understands. In my mind, in my soul I know I’m a woman. I…I’d feel even more of a fraud dressed as a man than I am dressed as a woman. That would like me advising you to stop being a vampire and going back to being a man. You were a man at one time, weren’t you?”
“I was indeed a man at one time,” I replied. “In fact my family was royalty. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Boris; Count Boris to be exact from a long royal lineage in Eastern Europe.” I bowed slightly and Billy curtseyed prettily in return.
“I’ve never met royalty before. You…said my blood was unacceptable. What’s wrong with it? I’m not diseased or anything like that.”
“Diseased blood does bother me although it won’t kill me since I’m already dead, heh heh. It gives me a bit of indigestion though. Alas, I prefer the blood of young and attractive women. I was fooled by your appearance but I could never be fooled by how your blood tastes. My system is adjusted exclusively to how they taste. I’m a bit of a gourmet that way,” I declared without modesty.
“I see,” said Billy. “I’ll just go home and kill myself then.”
“What’s all this about killing yourself? Being dead isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I know. I’ve been dead for a long time. Why don’t you get one of those sex change operations I’ve read about?”
The boy shrugged his shoulders. “They’re expensive and even if I had the money I still wouldn’t feel like a real woman. You wouldn’t happen to have a magic spell on you, would you? Something that would turn me into a woman?”
“Nah! The only magic vampires do are the transformations…like I can turn myself into a bat, wolf or a puff of smoke. I once auditioned for a magic act when I needed some extra money. I did the transformations. The manager was impressed and I thought I had the job. Then the guy asks me what else I do. What else I do? Isn’t that enough? The guy looks at me and tells he’ll call me but don’t give up my day job. A day job? A day job would be the death of me. I sleep during the day. It was all I could do not to transform back into a wolf just so I could rip his throat out.” I finally got a smile out of Billy.
“I once had my fortune told by a gypsy woman back when I was a child. She said I’d meet a sorceress who would grant me my fondest wish. My fondest wish even then was to be changed into a girl but that was ten years ago and I still believed in those kinds of things.”
“That couldn’t have been Natasha she was talking about. She only turns guys into girls if they don’t want it.”
“You know a real sorceress?” Billy said excitedly. “Can she turn me into a real woman?”
“You get to know all sorts when you’ve been around over 800 years,” I replied. “You weren’t listening though. She only turns guys into women when they’ve been real bastards with women. You know the type…chauvinists I think you call them these days. I’m afraid you can’t qualify. You’d have to make her believe you were an absolute louse with women and been that way for years.”
“You can tell her I’m a bastard with women.”
“Yeah, but she’d want to meet you and I don’t think you could fool her. No one could act that well.”
“I fooled you, didn’t I?”
“Well, yeah you did do that…but it would take me a while to locate her and for her to make arrangements to get here. It would be a waste of time.”
“Aren’t you the one who’s going to go right home and kill himself?”
“I don’t really want to die,” Billy said quickly. “It’s just that…I don’t want to live like I am.” He started bawling again.
“All right! Stop with the crying. I’ll see what I can do. She does owe me some favors since I’ve helped her out of a lot of jams over the years.” I still hadn’t fed and I was getting irritable. I got the boy’s telephone number and email address. My payment would be a blood donation from the transformed Billy.
“Uh, Billy, may I ask you a quick question?”
“Are any of the women around here women?” Billy shook his head and pointed to the other side of the park. I thanked him and moved on.
You might be asking yourself right now why I bothered with Billy. I honestly don’t know except to say that I kind of liked the kid. Anyway, it wouldn’t be too difficult to contact Natasha as I already had her cell number and she didn’t live too far away. The hard part would be to convince her that Billy deserved to be transformed from a man to a woman.
Like I said, you get to know all types when you’ve been walking this planet as long as I have and especially where I tend to frequent; society’s netherworld. Now don’t get me wrong. Natasha is one of the nicest sorceresses you’d ever want to meet. Just don’t get on her wrong side. She has some mean spells that you’d regret being on the receiving end. I think she uses these spells to dispense justice in her view of things so she doesn’t cast them just for fun. One of them is the transgender spell. I’ve never seen one of them done but I hear her victims don’t have the need for a jock strap for the rest of their lives.
Anyway, I called up Natasha and gave a song and dance routine about how Billy was a serial abuser of women and was the perfect candidate for a sex change spell. She said she’d be interested in meeting Billy and would arrange to fly into town by commercial jet. She doesn’t use a broom.
I then called Billy and we arranged an evening appointment (what else?) at his apartment. He was to forego shaving for a couple of days and dress in men’s clothes and not wear any wig. I also coached him on how to act when he met Natasha. We might have pulled it off but things started to go wrong from the very start. The first thing Billy did when he answered the door was curtsey to me. He curtseyed! Did I have to tell him not to curtsey? Natasha was immediately suspicious.
“Okay, what’s going on here?”
“What do you mean what’s going on?”
“He didn’t curtsey.”
“Yes, he did. Only women curtsey.”
“I, uh bowed,” Billy said quickly. “I’m just being courteous to one of royal blood.”
“He’s not of royal blood.”
“Yes, he is,” Billy replied as if it was common knowledge. “He’s Count Boris, to be exact, from a long royal lineage in Eastern Europe.”
“He’s being ironic,” I said and held a finger to my lips as if he to tell him he was violating a confidence. “May we step inside? I believe we have business.” A vampire may never cross a threshold unless invited. Billy nodded finally in understanding and stepped aside.
“You were never royalty,” said Natasha when we were inside. “You were a village baker.”
“That’s a lie,” I protested. I should have held my tongue but I was being sorely provoked.
“I got it from the vampire’s mouth. Manny told me you were being held in the stocks in the village square for short weighting your bread loaves. He couldn’t pass up a free meal.”
“You’ve met Manny? I was framed.” Billy was beginning to look worried but I smiled at him reassuringly. Manny was the vampire who turned me into a vampire. I never knew they knew each other. Now all Billy had to do was provoke Natasha into casting the sex change spell.
“I thought you were bringing five or six broads for me to abuse,” snarled Billy. “She doesn’t look like much.” I nodded in approval but Natasha seemed unperturbed.
“You have a lovely apartment,” said Natasha. “Did you decorate it yourself?”
“Yes, I did,” replied Billy with a happy smile. “Thank you for noticing. It’s not much right now. I covered all the mirrors in anticipation of the count’s visit.” He turned to me. “By the way, I threw out all the garlic and stored away anything that might be mistaken for a cross.” Natasha just smirked at the feminine decor.
“Did you remember to get rid of the Stars of David?” I asked. What else could go wrong?
“I didn’t realize that could be a problem,” Billy replied with genuine concern and then gasped. “Oh my goodness! A previous tenant was Jewish and there’s a mezuzah still nailed to the door jamb. You weren’t hurt, were you?” I turned to Natasha and shrugged my shoulders. I expected her to be angry but she was giggling.
“Who does your hair?” was Natasha’s next question.
“Oh, I do my own hair. Normally I would have worn a short hair wig but the count told me not to wear a wig and…have I blown it?” said Billy who finally seemed to realize things weren’t going right. He turned red in the face and tears started coursing down his cheeks. That kid sure was a crier.
“Boris,” said Natasha, “I’ve gotten you out of a lot of jams over the years. You’d think you could be straight with me at least once in your long existence. What kind of jam have you gotten yourself into now?”
“I’m not in any kind of jam,” I huffed. “I was merely trying to help out Billy here.” I proceeded to tell Natasha how Billy and I met and what we were trying to accomplish. Natasha was smiling in the telling but she turned serious immediately.
“You know I don’t use my spells except on the most deserving. It’s a matter of principle.” She looked at Billy who had stopped crying but seemed capable of restarting at any time. “Billy looks as if he couldn’t harm a fly.” She turned to him. “What horrible deeds have you committed against women that would warrant such a punishment?”
“I’m sure we’d be here all night if we had to listen to all of Billy’s misdeeds towards women,” I declared. In my own way I was urging Billy to lie like hell. The young man started trembling and turning red in the face so I was sure he had a doozie of a tale to tell us.
“Well, just tell us about the one you’re thinking about right now,” said Natasha who also observed his discomfort. Billy’s confession came out in one breath as if inhaling would cause him to lose his nerve.
“About five years ago I went into Lindsay’s bedroom, my little sister, and I tried on her panties but the seams burst on one pair because they were too small and I threw them in the trash thinking no one would notice but my mother found them and my older sister Eileen got the blame and she had to pay for the panties out of her allowance and I just let it happen and didn’t say a word and Lindsay started calling Eileen a fat ass and I’ve been feeling guilty about it ever since.” Billy burst into inconsolable tears. Natasha and I were stunned into silence.
I finally spoke. “That…that was the dumbest story I’ve ever heard alive or dead.” I turned to Natasha. “I sincerely apologize for wasting your time, Natasha. I’ll make this up to you in some way.”
“You worm!” hissed Natasha. I braced myself for more verbal abuse but then I realized she wasn’t addressing me. “You pit sister against sister because of your heinous crime and you were too cowardly to confess when it would have made a difference. That…that was the most horrendous story I’ve ever heard. I apologize for doubting you, Boris. I’ll make it up to you in some way. Stand up! Stand up, I say and meet your fate.”
“Hot dog!” I cried. “Stand up, Billy. Stand up and take it like a man. She’s really gonna do it. Natasha’s going to turn you into a girl.” Of course, she was making up her outrage. I didn’t know if Natasha was going to do it because she felt sorry for the kid or because she was doing me a favor and I really didn’t care which it was. Billy stood up hesitantly and, I imagine, he was a little scared. “Give her big tits. I like women with big tits.”
“Oh, shut up,” said Natasha, “or I’ll give you big tits.” I shut up. I didn’t think Natasha could work her magic on a vampire but I didn’t want to take a chance. Natasha mumbled something in a strange language and waved her hands about. “There! It’s done. For all intents and purposes he is a she. She won’t lack for a bosom, by the way,” she added.
Billy’s eyes lit up but she didn’t say anything. I stood by to watch the change take place rubbing my hands in anticipation. I knew I was going to savor a gourmet meal from that lovely neck. Nothing seemed to be happening after a few minutes though. “Did you get the spell right?” I was anxious and so was Billy.
“Of course I got the spell right. The changes are already taking place. I can tell.”
“How long is this going to take?”
“About ten days to two weeks.”
“Ten days to two weeks? I can’t wait that long,” I complained. “I have to leave town tomorrow night. Don’t you have an instant spell?”
“There is an instant spell but I never bothered to learn it. It’s so much more fun to watch my victim slowly change. He knows something is wrong but he’s not sure what. When he finally realizes what happening he panics and tries to find a way out of it but there’s nothing he can do.” Natasha turned to Billy. “No drugs or alcohol, darling. You’ll just slow down the process. Get plenty of rest, eat right and drink lots of water. You’ll have your first period soon after the change is complete and then you’ll be fertile so you better see your doctor about birth control if you plan to be sexually active.”
“Please don’t let me wake up if this is a dream,” said an awestruck Billy. Natasha walked over and took Billy’s hand.
“I hope you made the right decision,” said Natasha. “You won’t escape heartache and disappointment by becoming a woman. In fact, you’ll feel it all the more when it comes your way because you’re a woman.”
“I can take it,” said Billy. Tears were glistening in her eyes again but this time I’m sure they were tears of happiness.
“I’ll be back in town next month,” said Natasha. “Let’s do lunch…just us girls.” Lunch? That reminded me that I hadn’t fed yet.
“I’m heading over to the park for a midnight snack. I’ll have to take a rain check on that meal you owe me,” I told Billy. She came over and gave me a hug. I bade both good night and slipped out into the darkness. I left town the next night without seeing Billy or Natasha and didn’t return for five years.
I wasn’t even thinking about Billy when I hit town. As usual, I was thinking about my next meal and headed for the park. “Count Boris!” someone behind me called. That voice! It was familiar. I turned around and one of the loveliest women I’ve met in the last 200 years rushed into my arms. “I knew it was you,” she gasped. She stepped back and curtseyed prettily.
“Yes, it’s me except I spell it with an i-e on the end: Billie.”
“You look lovely, Billie.” I admired her magnificent tits. “Are you completely female now?”
“Every last drop of blood in me is female,” said the beautiful woman standing before me. Ah, she remembered our agreement.
“And I see you’re married too,” I said noting the wedding ring on her finger.
“Yes, I met and married a very wonderful man. It was love at first sight for both us. I told him everything. I’m not sure he believed me but he said he didn’t care what my past was. Natasha was my maid of honor. We wanted to send you an invitation but we didn’t know where you’d gone. We planned a midnight wedding just in case. I was just on my way home. Would you like to meet my husband?”
“Not yet,” I replied. “I was just going out for a bite. Would you care to join me?” Billie nodded and took my arm.
“This won’t hurt the baby, will it?”
“You’re pregnant? That’s wonderful, Billie. If it’s a boy be sure to name him Boris, heh heh.”
“I can’t do that. I already have a son named Boris.”
“I was just kidding about…what did you say?”
“I named my son after you.” She caressed her belly. “I’m hoping this one is a girl so I can name her Natasha.” Well, vampires are a cold-blooded group as a whole but at that moment I felt like laughing and crying at the same time. I was a proud father. Well, not really a father but I might as well have been. You know what I mean. I reached over and gave Billie a hug.
“You’ve made me the happiest vampire in the world,” I declared. “You’re paid in full. I gotta go. See you around.” Like a fool I transformed right there in public and took off like a bat. Well, I guess I’ll always be a sucker for a pretty woman, heh heh. Get it?