A note for the reader. All the characters in this fictional story were carefully screened. All identification was thoroughly checked and authenticated. Not one is under the age of twenty one. If you are looking for a story inolving underage fictional characters, you will not find them here. The author is of the age that he sees all persons between the ages of four and thirty as boys and girls. The ones under age four are of course babies. The author does not distinguish the ages of the boys and girls other than the fact that all are above the legal age of twenty one and that some are older than others.
Total Confusion Part One
How do I feel? Sometimes I wish I could just disappear into thin air. I wish there was someone I could talk to. Someone who would understand how I feel. I do not feel safe telling anyone how I feel. My earliest memories consisted of holding a penis in my mouth, just blurred recollections of an erect shaft sticking out in front of me and a helping hand guiding my lips to it. I remember having to swallow his wetness, for what reason was not clear. They were vague memories almost unreal.
The first clear memory of what he did was when I was at Granny’ s house. He was my cousin, just ten years older than I. I will call him David, though that is not his name. David would come down sometimes to visit my Uncle. I will call him Jim. Jim was the same age as David. Whenever Jim would be busy working on his at home business or something Granny had told him to do, then David would spend time with me. Sometimes, David would come down under the pretense of seeing Jim, when he knew Jim wouldn't be there.
That gave him more time to spend with me. I liked being with him. It was cool. David came down one day and I ended up in the living room with him. Everyone else was outside chit chatting around the gossip table. He sat there looking at me. It was in a strange way, one with which I was not familiar. I didn’t let it bother me any since I was happy to have him wanting me around. I did not mind him gawking as long as he wanted me there. After a while he asked me to go with him to the barn. At which one I won’t say.
He said he wanted to show me something really cool. Something I would really enjoy. He said that it would be all mine, and that I wouldn’t have to share it with anybody. He said it could be a late birthday present, as he hadn’t been able to give me anything last week when it was my birthday. I was ecstatic that he liked me enough to share this thing with me. I had no idea what it could be, but I wanted to be with him. He was just too cool and I was really excited about him giving me something that I was going to like for my birthday. He had never given me anything for my birthday before. This was going to be really neat.
As we went to the barn I was giddy with glee. I was palling around with my older cousin and he actually wanted me there. We went into the barn and he closed the door. David said that what he wanted to show me was in the hayloft. I followed him obediently up the ladder. I could hardly wait to see what it could be.
I was wearing a pair of cut off jeans and a T-shirt. He stood there looking at me like he had never seen me before. He looked at me for a long time. He reached out and pulled me close to him, hugging me tight while he told me that I was his close friend. I could tell he was nervous. His heart was beating real fast. I did not know why. I was afraid something was wrong so I held him really tight.
We stayed there with him holding me and him getting more nervous by the second, for what seemed like forever. His heart was beating so fast, I thought it would come out of his chest. David looked into my eyes and put his lips on mine. This was really weird. He was sucking on my mouth. After a few minutes, David told me to do it back. He told me to do everything he did. He said he was going to teach me how to kiss before he gave me my birthday present.
I had seen the older adults kiss before, although never two guys. They always looked like they were enjoying it and I had wondered what it would feel like for a long time. The problem was I had never had any girls ask me to do it with them. I started mimicking what David was doing to me. It felt strange kissing a guy, but when I closed my eyes and pretended that David was a girl, it started feeling pretty good. I found myself enjoying kissing Soon he taught me to stick my tongue in his mouth. It felt so good when he sucked on my tongue. Sucking his tongue wasn't so bad either. We held each other close and kissed for what seemed like forever. Suddenly he let me go and stood back admiring me.
He took off all his clothes and I saw his thing. He guided me down to my knees. His thing was sticking straight up in the air and swinging back and forth in front of me. He put my hand on it. I was in shock. I had never seen anybody naked, other than my brothers and my Mom. My mom used to give me baths with her in the tub. I remember being in the tub with her. She was washing me and I suddenly started noticing that she was naked. It seemed strange, I had never paid any attention to it before. I guess I was too naive to take notice that she was different from me.
All I cared about was that I was with her. This particular bath I really remember, because I was looking at her and comparing her body to mine. I noticed that she didn't have a thingy between her legs like I did and these things poked out on her chest. I was enjoying looking at them, though I didn't know why. I was full of curiosity. I remember that I had reached out with my hand and held one of them. I asked her what they were and why mine weren't big like hers. She got all red. I know now that that meant she had gotten embarrassed, but I didn't understand at the time.
She said, "Bath time is over." She got out of the tub and dried herself off. She put on her robe, and then she got me out and dried me off. That was the last time we had a bath together. It was also the last time I ever saw her in the nude. She still gives me baths from time to time as I am sure all mothers do, but she never got in the tub with me again. I felt like I had done something awful. I was devastated. I was traumatized. It was like I had lost something special. Those times when I had been in the tub with her made me feel like I was special. Now I never felt that way again. I felt rejection for the first time.
Anyway, David was rubbing my hand on his thing. I didn’t know what to do. He wrapped my fingers around it and held my hand in his while he moved my hand up and down his shaft. He would take his hand away and then put it back on until I got the idea that I was supposed to keep rubbing his thing. It was as hard as a brick and sticking straight up at me. I was fascinated with such a sight. I had seen my own thing get in this state, but mine was so tiny and his was so big. I studied it as long and as close as I dared. I had a really good view, as it was right there in front of me. It was only a few inches from my face. I didn't mind too much holding it. It was so smooth and so soft and yet firm to the grip. I was rubbing it gently, just like he showed me to do.
David noticed me staring at it. He pulled off my shirt and said why don't you compare it to yours. See how much bigger mine is than yours. He pulled off my shorts and ran his hand into my underpants, gently brushing at me. It felt so good. I was starting to get hard. When he took off my underpants, I was really amazed. He was so much bigger than I. I was busy comparing when I noticed he was thrusting it toward my mouth and yet I was still obediently rubbing it for him.
Each time I instinctively moved my head. I don’t want it in my mouth. Why does he think I will let him put it in? He began to thrust it with more vigor. Finally he put his hand behind my head to square in his thrust. I twisted my neck to parry his charge. I could feel the head of it brush against my face and I was still rubbing it with my hand. I think I was afraid to quit playing with it because I thought he might get upset and not want me to be with him anymore. It is hard to believe that someone can be that starved for attention, to do all of that just to be there.
Suddenly he pushed me to the floor and got on top of me, holding down my arms with his knees. He put one hand to my forehead to keep my head still. His other hand guided his thing to my mouth and then he told me happy birthday. This is for you to enjoy and it’s all yours. I couldn’t get up. I could barely breathe. I felt trapped like a rat. I closed my mouth as tightly as I could, trying to keep it out. He rubbed it back and forth across my lips until it oozed out some juice making us both real slick. Once my lips were wet, his shaft slid in so that the head of it touched my teeth.
He rubbed it back and forth across my teeth and from side to side as far as he could between my cheeks and my teeth. Oh no, it’s like he’s brushing my teeth with his thing. It just slides in between my lips as if they weren’t even together. He’s trying to put it in my mouth. Somehow I have to stop him. What do I do, I can’t even move. After a while, a big puddle of sticky stuff oozed out of the tip of his thing. It dribbled through my teeth into my mouth. I opened my mouth slightly to push it out with my tongue. He found the small opening, and that quick, I was lying there with a mouth full of dick. I wanted to bite him so he’d get up, but I was afraid that he would hurt me and I didn’t really want to bite one of those anyway. The mere thought of having his thing in my mouth made me want to throw up and here it was. I felt so sick. The vomit was pushing at my throat.
The more desperately I tried to push him out with my small tongue, the more sound the grip that he had. I soon realized that my pushing and trying to spit him out of my lips was in effect just sucking it, as he had wanted me to from the start. When he shot off in my mouth, it was awful. The taste was nasty. It had a tart taste, almost sour. I’d never tasted anything like it. There was so damn much of it. It was runny and yet it seemed to stick to my throat kind of like glue.
I was getting more nauseous by the second. This stuff in my mouth had just came from between a guy’s legs. I threw up all over my face. It ran down my cheeks, my neck and to the back of my head. To make matters worse I had instinctively started moving my lips on his shaft, trying to clean up myself as best that I could. My God, I had just sucked his thing. I didn’t fully understand what had taken place, but I knew that a guy wasn’t supposed to put his thing in my mouth. I wasn’t supposed to have his juice in my mouth. What if someone had seen it, what would I do then?
After he let me up, he wiped me off with an old feed bag that had been lying in the barn. Life was never the same for me after that. I think that my spirit was broken and I no longer respected myself because of what I had done. Some how I had come to the conclusion that I had caused it. I had it coming. He said we had to keep it a secret. No one could ever know. If anyone found out they might think that you are a faggot and we wouldn't want that.
I remember overhearing my Father, when he thought I was out of ear shot. He was talking with his older brother and said that they should take all the faggots and shoot them on sight. I wanted to tell someone to get him to stop, but how could I ask anyone without letting someone know. They'd tell my Daddy and he'd shoot me for sure. Now I knew it'd be our little secret forever. No one would ever know that I'd had my mouth between a guy’s legs.