Hugh looked at the knife in his hand. What he had just done hit him suddenly in a wave of rage, fear, and disgust. Hugh put the knife down and ran through what had just happened over the course of the past day.
Yesterday had been a warm day. A warm Midwestern summer day. The breeze had blown through bramble bushes, gardens and maples sending the warm Midwestern summer day’s smell into nostrils of Midwesterners out for a stroll enjoying the warm Midwestern summer day breeze which wafted the warm Midwestern summer day’s smell into eager Midwestern nostrils.
Hugh Jainus was a Midwesterner out for a stroll enjoying the warm Midwestern summer day breeze which blew through bramble bush gardens and maples pushing the warm Midwestern summer day’s smell into his eager Midwestern nostrils.
Hugh Jainus was a handsome young man with a goatee. He fancied himself a dandy in the traditional sense. He felt good in his double stitched custom hand tailored one hundred percent imported Egyptian cotton lily pad green and white gingham button down shirt. He felt so good, he had a boner.
Hugh Jainus’ stiff shlong felt good against his slippery creamy soft comfy full cut triple stitched unisex silk paisley boxers.
“I’d eat a fritter, but what I could really go for is a stack of rich fluffy buttermilk pancakes…” Thought Hugh. “I’d better call Leslie”
Leslie was a woman who looked just like a young Barbara Streisand except for the fact that Leslie was Asian and had a nose like 90’s Icelandic pop singing sensation Bjork. In fact, Leslie looked like what one would image 90’s Icelandic pop singing sensation Bjork would look like if she was on a bus to Cleveland in 1987 with $11.83 in the pocket of her low rise 98% cotton 2 % spandex 5 pocket hip hugging soft cotton stretch denim tapered bootcut leg imported machine washable dark wash jeans.
Leslie checked her caller ID and answered the phone.
“Hello Hugh, this is Leslie.” said Leslie.
“Hi Leslie,” replied Hugh with a voice that was soft and buttery.
“How are you, Hugh?” asked Leslie with a voice that belied the fact that Leslie really couldn’t care less how Hugh was. Leslie had just met Hugh the previous weekend at a Karaoke bar. She had been so impressed by the way Hugh had sung “Holy Diver” by Ronnie James Dio, that she decided to take him home and teabag him and toss his salad.
What Leslie couldn’t have known that fateful evening was that the previous day, Hugh visited a Mexican fast food eating establishment and had a 1/2 pound beef and potato burrito & some cheesy potatoes for lunch. Hugh thought it was so good that he went back for dinner and had a spicy chicken burrito, a 1/2 pound cheesy bean and rice burrito, and a caramel apple empanada. He washed both meals down with large diet cola.
That evening, Hugh finished off the rest of some old Cookie dough ice cream he found in the back of the freezer while watching a movie called "The Butterfly Effect". Later, at about 9:00pm Hugh had some cottage cheese with Hershey’s syrup and brown sugar mixed in as a snack while he watched "The Sopranos". Hugh was also drinking cheap beer all night long. (12 beers total)
The next day, Hugh’s ass exploded in a forceful fecal power wash spray. Afterwards, his bunger was one crusty mess! Cheap burritos, cheap beer and cottage cheese is not a good mix for a young man with a goatee who fancied himself a dandy in the traditional sense. Hugh was a proud half Italian American (1st generation!) with a lot of body hair. He discovered that morning after eating lunch and dinner at a Mexican fast food eating establishment that his ass hairs had crusted over his asshole. Hugh discovered this taking his 2nd wet forceful fecal power wash spray squirt dump that morning. The dung came out of his ass and was met by a crusty wall of ass hair. The residual fecal buildup was unprecedented in the annals of Hugh‘s anal history.
That evening without showering, Hugh went to a Karaoke bar to sing Ronnie James Dio songs. He was sorry he had neglected his analicular hygiene when Leslie approached him after his stirring rendition of “Holy Diver”. He had a feeling he might get lucky, and his ass was not fit for human consumption.
Hugh had found himself thinking about that evening and how Leslie had taken him to her apartment and invited him to take off his classic fit twilight blue cotton twill chino trousers and sit on her face. She started out by lightly kissing and poking Hugh’s nut sack with her warm tongue. It smelled like smelled like ammonia, limburger vinegar, and old sweat socks. It wasn’t long before Leslie sucked his rank nut sack into her warm neo-con Christian republican mouth and commenced tea bagging him; complaining about her taxes and how that “Kenyan crypto- Muslim socialist antichrist ” was taxing the food out of her unborn baby’s mouth.
Leslie poked her tongue around the area between Hugh’s ammonia, limburger vinegar, and old sweat socks scented goochy nads and his crusty bung shoot. Leslie’s attention to that area known as the perenium or the taint with her warm neo-con Christian republican tongue caused Hugh to shudder and blow his load of man sauce all over Leslie’s NOBAMA t-shirt.
“Hugh, are you there? HELLO!” yelled a somewhat irritated Leslie. “I asked how you were.”
“I heard you. Well, funny you should ask!” replied Hugh. “I have a huge hankerin’ for some more teabaggin’.”
“I‘m glad you called. You are full of romance and a tea bagger to boot!” replied Leslie.
“Cool beans!“ replied Hugh as he hung up the phone and walked into the full service grocery store.
“May I help you?” asked the clerk with a nametag on that said “Phil”.
“Yes” answered Hugh, “I need some toilet paper for my anus.”
“Ok,” replied Phil, “What kind of anus are we talkin’ here?”
“Well, it’s a 1983 half Italian, Quarter French, seven thirty seconds Norwegian and one thirty second native American anus.”
“Oh, interesting” said Phil. “Is this a huge anus we’re talking about here?”
“Well I’m Hugh Jainus,” replied a slightly flustered Hugh Jainus. “But I don’t have a huge anus. It’s just average.”
“Well then, I suggest a aloe lotion three ply all natural recycled unscented roll for you average sized 1983 half Italian, Quarter French, seven thirty seconds Norwegian and one thirty second native American anus.” offered a confident Phil. “I think you’ll find it a satisfactory paper for you anus.”
“Is that a good paper for an occasional hog slapper?” Inquired Hugh. “I sometimes think about a woman playing a trombone while wearing a top hat and a form fitting black stretch fit halter mini dress with sequin detail and slinky sheer summer shiny suntan sheer to the waist comfort waistband flat seam ten denier reinforced toe pantyhose. When I think about it, my penis hardens and lengthens.” continued Hugh. “The cylindrical erectile tissue in my penis becomes engorged with blood. The blood fills my flaccid penis and it becomes stiff. I get a lightheaded feeling of euphoria, a tightening of my scrotum and a swelling of my penis. I want to fondle it, Phil. I want to fondle my stiff rod, damn it. My corpora cavernosa and my corpus spongiosum become engorged with venous blood. The blood rushes from my head to my throbbing cock and I suddenly feel a sudden decrease in blood pressure and lightheadedness that could result in fainting. I usually yank on the pup until I shoot a warm jet of sploogy baby batter into a bit of tissue or toilet paper.”
“Do you find that the tissue will stick to your penis if because your warm jet of sploogy baby batter is sticky and because of the consistency of the aforementioned tissue, the paper will rip and stick to your sploog coated penis on contact?” asked Phil. “I think you will find the consistency of this aloe lotion three ply all natural recycled unscented toilet paper perfect. It won’t rip and stick to your sploog coated penis on contact as I will demonstrate.”
Phil demonstrated took out and began yanking his rock hard shwantzolla. Hugh dropped to his knees opposite Phil and bent his head back so Phil’s shrunken nut sack dangled above his mouth.
“That Kenyan crypto- Muslim socialist antichrist son of a bitch is taxing the food out of my unborn Christian baby’s mouth.” began Hugh as he sucked Hugh’s shrunken tight nut sack into his warm neo-con Christian republican mouth and commenced tea bagging him. “And why not just show us the damn birth certificate?” Mumbled Hugh through a mouthful of Phil’s scrotal nut sack.
“Wow!” replied Phil, “You’re a total tea bagger!”
“Yes, and your nuts are fragrant like a blueberry muffin.” Continued Hugh as he sucked Phil‘s tight scrotum int his eager tea bagging mouth. “That’s a nice smell for a guy’s nads to smell likeMy sack smells like ammonia, limburger vinegar, and old sweat socks. Could you imagine a muffin that smelled like ammonia, limburger vinegar, and old sweat socks?” asked Hugh, “I don’t think so.”
Phil shot a huge load of sploogy baby batter man sauce all over the sample of aloe lotion three ply all natural recycled unscented toilet paper then wiped the remaining splooge cleanly off his bonerly penis.
“See?” said Phil.
“I’ll take it!” replied an excited Hugh as he grabbed a case of the aforementioned aloe lotion three ply all natural recycled unscented toilet paper.
“Would you like anything else?” Inquired a helpful Phil as he repackaged his penis into his trousers. “Perhaps some organic green beans…”
“No, I’m good.” replied Hugh.
Now…Back to the present…
Hugh looked at the knife in his hand. What he had just done hit him suddenly in a wave of rage, fear, and disgust. Hugh put the knife down, looked at the paltry 6 cut green beans on the cutting board and ran through what had just happened over the course of the past day.
“Damn that Kenyan crypto- Muslim socialist antichrist son of a bitch is taxing the food out of my unborn Christian baby’s mouth. I should have bought those organic green beans yesterday!” Yelled a frustrated Hugh.