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Harry Potter and the Sword of Gryffindor Harry Potter and the Sword of Gryffindor
Chapter Eight

Disclamer: Not mine, I own nothing. I'm not making any money
WARNING: Harsh Language, adult themes, sexual situations (i.e. smut), bad spelling and grammar.

Author's Notes: This story is a broad farce with over the top humor (a good deal of it is crude and sexual) and OOC actions (that's Out Of Character if you don't know). Also, this is my first smut-ish fic. If you don't like sex and sex-based humor, do NOT read this!

Chapter Eight Summary: Harry goes on the ride of his life!




Harry slowly turned to face Ron. The rage and anger Harry was feeling was about to be unloaded upon his taller friend. But before he could unleash his fury, one of the witches who had gotten off of the Knight Bus spoke up.

"Would you lot budge up or get out of the queue," the witch demanded. "My kids have been waiting for this for months."

Harry was quite surprised to find that he, Hermione, and Ron had somehow wandered into the line of customers waiting to enter Godric's Hollow. He was even more surprised to see that Ron was already at the ticket window.

"Excuse me, my friend over there is Harry Potter," Ron said to the wizard behind the counter. "So what kind of discount do we get?"

"Let me check with my supervisor, governor," the old wizard replied in an obviously bored tone. He leaned back in his chair and without taking his bleary eyes off of Ron and shouted over his shoulder to someone behind him. "Oi, Brian, we've got another one claimin' to be 'The Boy Who Lived' and wanting a discount."

"What's the count up to today, Curt?" a disembodied voice echoed from behind the wizard in the ticket window.

"Eighth one today," Curt, the ticket salesman responded. "That's four up from yesterday."

"If this keeps up, we'll break the record for most 'Harry Potter Sightings' in one day," Brian commented.

"But this really is Harry Potter!" argued Ron. "Look at his scar!"

Harry felt the desire to physically harm Ron as Curt leaned out of his booth and examined Harry's infamous scar.

"Bit small innit?" remarked Curt. "The last "Harry Potter" had a much bigger one. And it flashed a green light every now and then. That was impressive!"

"Would you just pay for the tickets so the rest of us can move along!" the witch with three children demanded. "We don't have all day!"

"Fine then, how much for three?" Ron asked grumpily as he dug into his pockets.

"Nine knuts," Curt replied mirthlessly.

"Excuse me, who runs this... this place," Hermione demanded as she gestured to the warehouse.

"Mr. Joseph Middwood," Curt answered. The name struck a cord with Harry, but he couldn't place it. Harry hoped that Remus would know who this Middwood was and could tell him something about the man.

"I demand to speak with him this instant," commanded Hermione.

"That's fine miss," Curt replied. "He's up in the gift shop."

"How do we get there?" asked Hermione.

"The only way to the gift shop is through the ride."

"You must be joking!" Hermione stated shrilly.

"Nope," Curt said with a smile. "You'll still have to pay for the ride."

"Here," grumbled Ron as he gave Curt nine knuts, a sweet wrapper, a bit of string, and some pocket lint. Apparently, Ron was so upset over not getting a discount that he had just grabbed whatever happened to be in his pocket. Luckily it was the exact amount needed for three adult tickets - plus a sweet wrapper, a bit of string, and some pocket lint.

Ron grumbled some more as he sulked through the entranceway and Harry and Hermione silently followed.

"C'mon you two," Ron hollered from down the hall, "the ride's this way!"

The trio began to walk down a brightly lit hallway adorned with multiple magical posters.

"I don't see why you're so excited about this ride, Ron," said Hermione.

The first poster that caught Harry's eye was that of a young baby, maybe a year or so old. It took him a moment to realize that it was actually a photo of himself. He was slightly embarrassed at the fact that baby Harry was blowing spit bubbles at the person who had taken the picture. A title scrolled across the bottom of the poster that stated "The Boy Who Lived!"

A poster to his left showed the handsome visage of his father, James. James was smiling and winking in the poster while words scrolled at the bottom of the picture announced, "James Potter; father of The Boy Who Lived".

"Why not?" replied Ron to Hermione's question. "I know it's a little lame, but it's still fun!"

Another poster showed Lily, Harry's mother, smiling sweetly with the scrolling words: "Lily Potter, mother of The Boy Who Lived". Harry felt his eyes begin to well up.

"FUN!" barked Hermione. "These people are making a mockery of Harry's pain and you think its 'fun'?"

"What d'you mean a mockery -?" Ron asked and stopped as he finally noticed the tears in Harry's eyes. Ron looked nervously between Harry and a nearby poster that show a jubilant James and Lily looking at a black-haired baby attempting to walk on his own. "Oh, crap Harry," Ron mumbled in a guilty way. "I didn't realize..."

"Let's just get this over with," Harry said softly with a mixture of sadness and anger in his voice.

The next poster that caught Harry's eye was that of a menacing figure completely shrouded within a black robe as the phrase "The most feared Dark Lord in our time!" scrolled across the bottom.

Harry shook his head in disbelief and passed through a doorway and entered a large room with a number of wooden carts on several tracks. The tracks all led out of the room through a large set of double doors. A wizard wearing a pointy hat with the words "Ride the Hollow!" embroidered on it ushered Harry, Hermione, and Ron into the front of one of the carts. A family of three took up the row behind them.

A disembodied booming male voice emanated from somewhere above the cart.

"/Join us as we use the magical Time Turner to travel back to that fateful day.../"

An obviously phony Time Turner attached to the front of the cart started spinning before their eyes.

"That's not a real Time Turner, ya know," informed Ron like it wasn't obvious and he needed to point it out.

The cart lurched forward as the double doors slowly opened and the cart moved into the blackness. After a moment in the darkness, the cart and its passengers emerged into a bright and sunny field.

"/Watch as the Potter family goes about their daily routine,/" the booming male voice stated as the cart approached a group of people outside the house.

Harry could see two adult figures, a man and a woman, standing in the garden in front of that house. One could tell that these people were magical representations by the way they moved. They way they moved their legs and arms were too jerky and unnatural. They were clearly poorly animated mannequins. As the cart got closer, the woman stiltedly bent down and picked up a small child.

"Let me have him, love," the man said and the woman carefully handed him the child. "Does Harry want to play with his daddy?"

"Do be careful James," the woman chastised.

Harry felt as if he was hit hard in the stomach and all the wind was knocked out of him.

It was his mother and father.

The fake James tossed the fake Harry up into the air and the baby giggled uproariously.

Even though he could tell that the way the mannequins' were fakes by their stuttering movement, whoever had created this charade had gotten his parents' voices and likenesses down perfectly. Seeing and hearing these reproductions cut through Harry like a knife.

The fake baby reached its chubby little arms out to its fake mother and Harry's eyes blurred. He failed in his attempt to swallow the large lump that had grown in his throat as the tears spilled form his eyes.

Hermione let out a soft sob as the fake Lilly took her fake baby into her arms and playfully placed tiny kisses over its face. Harry cradled Hermione to his chest as tears ran down his own face. He could tell without looking that Ron was hanging his head in regret at the thought of ever enjoying such a travesty of his friend's life.

The fake Potter family strolled into the house and the announcer's voice sounded again.

"/But the Potters' did not know of the terrible fate that awaited them.../" the disembodied voice warned.

The sunny sky over Harry's head quickly darkened. Lightning flashed and thunder boomed as the cart entered the garden.

"/You too shall share their fates this night!/" The booming voice cackled.

The little girl sitting behind Harry turned to her father and said something that must have been terribly important to her.

"I love you, Daddy," the girl whispered in fear, as if she was positive she was doomed and she wanted to make sure her father knew how much she cared for him before she died.

With a flash of lightning, an ominous figure appeared in front of the cart. The family behind Harry let out a terrified scream as the figure revealed his deeply tanned face to them. Harry could tell from their screams that the girl and her brother were truly terrified, but the father was just playing along.

"IT'S HIM!" the girl screeched.

Harry was surprised when a scoffing noise escaped his lips upon the sight of "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named". Harry bitterly realized that while whoever had created this atrocity had numerous photos of James, Lily, and baby Harry to base their mannequins off of, but they hadn't even a vague notion of what Voldemort looked like. The effect was comical to Harry; this Voldemort was just a standard male mannequin that would have normally adorn a shop window. The only modification that Harry could see was that the mannequin had red eyes.

"Do you mind?" the father stated, taking offence at Harry's scoff.

The fake Voldemort made his way to the front door of the house and the cart followed him. The mannequin pointed his wand at the door.

"They've got the wand wrong," Harry bitterly muttered. "Along with how he looks as well."

"And how would you know?" the father asked.

Harry turned in his seat and looked at the man while holding up his fringe to expose his famous scar.

"Oooo," the father said with insincere awe. "It's the bloke who wanted a free ticket because he's /'Harry Potter'/. Just because you had to pay like the rest of us 'cuz your scam didn't work doesn't mean you have to ruin it for everybody."

Harry was about to put the wizard in his place when the Voldemort-mannequin shouted "REDUCTO!"

Red sparks erupted from his wand just as that door and a portion of the wall surrounding it were "blown" to bits. Of course the hole in the wall had just happened to be wide enough for the cart to pass through.

The cart followed the Voldemort-mannequin into the house.

"Lilly, get Harry out of here!" the fake James shouted and he fired off a number of brightly colored sparks out of his wand. The family behind Harry let out a surprised yelp as one of the sparks soared over their heads and exploded against the wall.

The Lily-mannequin dashed up the stairs with the fake child in her arms. James continued to fire off sparks as he too made his way to the stairs.

"This is futile, Potter," the mannequin Voldemort hissed. Harry noted another mistake that the ride makers had made, this Voldemort's voice was low and rumbling instead of high and cold. "Accept your fate and surrender."

The fake James slowly walked backwards up the stairs with his wand held in front of him defensively. Voldemort-mannequin cackled while walking up the stairs after his prey and the cart followed him.

Sparks continued to shoot out of the fake-James' wand and continued to completely missing the Voldemort-mannequin. Blue, red, yellow, and purple sparks rocked overhead and the family behind the trio let out another scream.

"Boy, that James bloke couldn't aim worth a darn could he, kids?" the father asked rhetorically as another barrage of sparks flew past Voldemort and over the cart.

"This ends now, Blood-Traitor!" Voldemort said mirthlessly and then shouted "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

The magical copy of James slumped to the floor and the fake-Voldemort stepped over his body. As the cart passed "the body," the wizard sitting behind Harry said jokingly to his children "I guess he should've ducked, huh?"

Harry was suddenly enraged. Not only did this ride make a mockery of his parents, it led other people to openly treat them with contempt as well.

"REDUCTO!" the fake-Voldemort shout again once he had reached the top of the stairs. Another cart sized hole was blown into the wall and the fake-Voldemort walked over the rubble to enter the nursery.

"I'll make you pay for that, you fiend!" the mannequin Lilly screamed and shot off a series of Stunners at the fake-Voldemort who nonchalantly blocked them.

"This is pointless, woman," the fake-Voldemort said in a bored tone.

"I won't let you hurt my baby!" Lily said defiantly as she stood in front of the crib.

'This isn't how it happened!' Harry thought piercingly. Then again, the only two people alive who were there, he and Voldemort, didn't have much say in how the ride was made.

"And how will you stop me?" chuckled Voldemort. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

With a flash of green light, the mannequin of Lily crumpled to the floor. Silently, Voldemort stalked over to the crib and pointed his wand at the baby inside. Once more, Voldemort shouted "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

The fake Voldemort recoiled from the crib as a bright white light emanated from it.

"What is this?" he demanded as the fake baby Harry began to levitate out of the crib. The toddler was throwing off the bright light that had made Voldemort flinch. Then suddenly, an even brighter light - almost blinding light - flashed out of the baby's head like a lightning bolt and struck Voldemort. The villain screamed in pain and vanished in a puff of smoke.

The family behind Harry cheered triumphantly as the cart move toward the wall next to the crib and the hovering baby Harry (who was still glowing). A large double door suddenly appeared and opened in the wall and the cart passed through.

The cart and its passengers entered a crowded gift shop. Harry's eyes were drawn to the back wall which was covered with various pullovers with different slogans printed on them, including "James couldn't hit the broadside of an Acromantula", "I rode shotgun with You Know Who"/, and /"I think glowing Harry is adorable"/. Another wall housed numerous books with titles like, "/The Riddle of Harry and the Dark Lord/, by Jim Lillian", "/Lily and Her Acceptance of Fate/, by A. R. YaLing" and "/Aiming Tips or How not to miss like James Potter by Gregory Youdle."

But the thing that shocked Harry the most was a large barrel located next to the checkout. The barrel was overflowing with small figurines of glowing babies. Glowing baby Harry's that is.

"Daddydaddydadddy" the older child behind Harry squealed. "Can I have another glowing baby Harry?"

"You already have dozens love," the father said as he stood up and began to walk out of the cart. Harry and his friends however, were still sitting in the cart in various stages of shock and embarrassment.

"Please daddy," the boy whined, "just one more."

"All right, just one more," the father said while making his way toward the books.

"Sorry folks," a pimply faced wizard said breaking Harry out of his stupor. "But you'll need to exit the magical transport now." He stressed the phrase "magical transport" as if he was trained to do so and that if he didn't refer to the cart as such, he would face disciplinary action.

Gloomily, the trio exited the cart.

"Excuse me, where may I find Mr. Middwood?" Hermione asked the pimply wizard.

"Oh, he's over there by the books," informed the wizard.

Harry saw the wizard who had been seated behind them on the cart approach the identified manager, a grey haired wizard in expensive looking silk robes.

"Mr. Middwood, smashing to see you again," greeted the father.

"Ah, Mr. Cummings, my favorite customer," heralded Middwood as he took the other man's hand in greeting. "What's this, your fourth time on the ride this year?"

"Fifth, actually, but it's the first for my youngest here" corrected Mr. Cummings. "She'd been dreaming of the day she was finally tall enough for the ride. Personally, I can't wait 'til you add the graveyard scene for You Know Who's resurrection."

"Oh, yes," Middwood replied proudly. "I have to tell you that the Death Eaters look quite frightening."

Unconsciously, Harry stomped over to the two men. Harry was going to vent all of his anger upon Middwood. Behind him he could hear an explosion coming from the ride. Apparently, the ride had restarted and the next cart was making its way through the house. Judging by his ride, Harry believed that the fake Voldemort must've just blown up the front door of the house.

"I can't wait to see that!" exclaimed Mr. Cummings.

"It will be quite exciting," Middwood declared.

"Are you Joseph Middwood?" Harry asked after he reached the two men.

Without turning around, Muddwood replied "Yes, I am."

"What have you done to my parents' house?" demanded Harry.

"Not another one," Middwood muttered. Mr. Cummings rolled his eyes in annoyance as Middwood turned to face Harry. "Listen here, I'm not gonna share my profits with some bloke who claims to be Harry Po-" Middwood froze as he locked eyes with Harry. "Oh bloody hell..."

"What have you done with my parents' house?" repeated Harry.

"I... um...err..." Middwood stammered opening and closing his mouth like a fish. "H-hel-h-hello Harry, l-long time no see," he finished nervously.

"What have you done with my parents' house?" repeated Harry, anger apparent on his face. Another explosion erupted from somewhere in the ride, apparently, Voldemort had just entered the nursery.

"Well, it blew up... and I decided to rebuild it..." explained Middwood desperately hoping to calm the young wizard.

"Wait. Are you saying that this is actually Harry Potter?" asked Mr. Cummings in disbelief.

"Stuff it, ponce," Ron stated, joining the group.

"When I was in the process of rebuilding Godric's Hollow... some people started to stop by... they wanted a tour... they offered me money... I couldn't pass it up," Middwood continued.

Another blast emanated from the ride as Harry clenched his fists in rage.

"And you decided to make the death of Harry's parents a tourist attraction?" demanded Hermione.

"Well, not originally. But one thing led to another..." replied Middwood meekly.

With a boom, Harry heard the double doors leading into the gift shop open and smoke billowed into the room.

"That's odd, I don't remember any smoke," Hermione said to herself.

"Wow, you're right; those Death Eaters you made for the addition are scary," Mr. Cummings murmured while looking past Harry.

"Wha...? They're not completed yet," Middwood stated. As a group, Harry, Hermione and Ron turned toward the double doors leading from the nursery and saw a number of Death Eaters standing there. Harry was impressed, whereas there had been a large number of mistakes with Middwood's rendition of Voldemort, he was spot on with these Death Eaters.

Middwood pushed past Harry and walked up the group of mannequin Death Eaters. He quickly inspected the group before his eyes where drawn to the nursery, which was now in flames.

"What the hell happened to my ride?" Middwood exclaimed.

The Death Eater in the front turned its attention to upset wizard and asked in a cold and feminine voice: "So this atrocity is your doing?" She then raised her wand and pointed it at Middwood and shouted "CRUCIO!"

Middwood collapsed to the floor screaming. Before Harry could react, four more Death Eaters shouted "CRUCIO!" and four people in the shop, including Ron, fell to the floor screaming in agony. Harry froze temporarily as he saw his best friend writhe on the ground.

"Does wee-baby Potter not like seeing people get hurt?" the Death Eater in the front asked in an all too familiar sickly childish voice.

"Bellatrix," muttered Harry. He tried to quickly count how many Death Eaters - because these Death Eaters appeared to be real and not mannequins -he was up against but lost count after he had gotten to twenty.

However, Hermione - being the studious witch she was - hadn't lost count and announced to Harry: "There are thirty-eight of them."

The screaming stopped suddenly when Bellatrix signaled to her brethren.

"I felt complied to destroy that thing you had made!" Bellatrix said to the convulsing Middwood at her feet. "You should consider yourself lucky that the Dark Lord didn't know this was here. If he did know of this place... well... you would be begging for a quick death."

Bellatrix raised her attention to Harry and Hermione. "I heard something truly fascinating a few hours ago..." she began and paused as she noticed Ron who was trying to stand back up. "Ah... I recognize this one. He's one of your little friends who stopped us from retrieving the prophesy for our master."

The evil witch whipped her wand at Ron and shouted "CRUCIO!" once more. Ron screamed and crashed back to the floor.

"Stop it you bitch!" Harry shouted.

Lifting the curse, Bellatrix said "Such sweet words, flattery will get you nothing though."

Kneeling next to Ron, Hermione checked on his still form. "He's unconscious," she informed.

"Back to what I was saying," Bellatrix continued. "My master heard that wee-baby Potter's power has gone all /'wonky'/. And he decided to end this once and for all."

Slowly, all thirty-eight Death Eaters pointed their wands at Harry. (Some of the Death Eaters in the back had on to stand on their toes and did their best to aim in Harry's general direction, while some of the shorter ones where complaining that they couldn't see where he was. But you get the point.)

From her kneeling position, Hermione reached up and held Harry's left hand. Harry locked eyes with his girlfriend and Hermione mouthed the words "I love you" to him. With a sense of love and affection filling Harry's heart, he whipped out his wand and shouted "STUPEFY!"

Harry could see Bellatrix's eyes bulge as a huge red crescent-shaped arch erupted from Harry's wand and flew in her direction. Unfortunately for Harry, Bellatrix, along with seven of her fellow Death Eaters, had the common sense to duck as the super-charged Stunner came flying at them. A few of the others actually had quick enough reflexes to cast a Shield Charm, though it didn't do them any good.

The glowing red arch sliced through the remaining Death Eaters like a hot knife through butter. The few Death Eaters who had cast a Shield Charm seemed quite surprised when their Shields were shattered; that is they seemed to be quite surprised right before they were knocked unconscious.

It was at this point that the innocent - and not so innocent concerning Joseph Middwood - bystanders decided to leave the gift shop. Of course they weren't leaving in a calm and orderly fashion. No, they were running in every direction which caused some problems. Some of them thought it would be best to head straight to the exit while others thought it would be speedier to actually run through a solid wall. Still others believed that it was in everyone's best interest to run directly into another person attempting to flee while screaming "My God, my God, we're all going to die!"

"I thought he was supposed to be powerless," one of the Death Eaters complained as he dodged a pack of panicky bystanders.

"I'm going to kill that filthy elf!" Bellatrix shouted right before Mr. Cummings crashed into her, sending both of them to the floor.

There were too many people around for Harry to launch another Stunner; he was afraid his super-charged charm may actually harm an innocent. Either by causing them to fall, thereby injuring themselves, or by Stunning them with so much power that they could possibly suffer dire consequences, much like how McGonagall nearly died during his fifth year.

The Death Eaters had no such limitation. Six of the conscious Death Eaters began firing off various hexes and curses in Harry's general direction. Fortunately for Harry, none of the spells hit him; instead, many of the witches and wizards who were running around in a panic were struck. A dull grey bolt hit a witch who was running to the door causing her hair to catch fire. One wizard was struck with an orange flame and was flung painfully into a nearby wall.

Harry realized that even if he didn't try to stop the Death Eaters for fear of harming innocents, those same innocents were being harmed. He focused on his loving memories of Hermione and quickly knelt down and waved his wand a few inches over the floor before shouting the incantation for the Trip Jinx: "Lapso Accido!"

It was if everyone in the room - save for Harry and his friends - were tenpins and had been hit by some giant invisible bowling ball. They were all, Death Eaters and bystanders alike, flipped up into the air; the flipping action causing all of the various robes to fall around their shoulders and thereby exposing their undergarments. Harry's vision was assaulted by the sight of brightly colored bloomers and dull grey boxers as the airborne victims of his super-Tripping Jinx crashed back to the floor. Unfortunately, one Death Eater had apparently decided to go "commando" so to speak and not wear any unmentionables. And to Harry's horror, that Death Eater was Bellatrix Lestrange. Harry normally wouldn't be horrified at seeing a woman's naked groin, but besides going "commando"/, Bellatrix also apparently favored an extreme look as well. /"Au natural" didn't begin to cover it. The evil witch was unusually, nay ridiculously hairy and the sight made the bespectacled wizard gag.

The frightening scene reminded Harry of Sirius' disheveled and unkempt appearance the first time he saw godfather. Sirius' stay in Azkaban had left him in a state unfit for civilized society. But even a long (and extremely justified) internment in the hellish wizading prison could not explain Bellatrix's excessively hairy state. There was just so much hair, it couldn't be natural! It hung in long, matted tangles from her groin and it crept down her legs as if it was consuming her flesh.

Harry's terror filled mind scrambled trying to find an explanation for Bellatrix's shaggy muff. One potential explanation was that she was the victim of a very powerful Hair Growing Hex of some kind. Another, more terrifying reason that came to Harry's mind was that it was actually an overly furry creature that had attached itself to Bellatrix's bits in some sort of sickening symbiotic relationship.

This second possibility was given more credence in Harry's eyes when he saw one of the tangled locks that hung from her crotch begin to move. The hairy appendage seemed to undulate in a different and unique way; totally alien when compared to its fuzzy counterparts. The unique tangled... thing was moving as if it had a will of its own and was acting accordingly.

"I'm going to be ill," Hermione muttered as she too saw Bellatrix's overly shaggy bits. "A pack of flobberworms could nest in there it's so matted."

It was at this unfortunate time that Ron regained consciousness. "That's just not right," the red head groaned upon seeing Bellaxtrix's nakedness. "You could braid that mess, couldn't you?"

"My god," Hermione continued, the raw fear in her voice evident to everyone. "Are... are those bits of hay and straw sticking out?"

"More than likely," explained Harry, desperately trying not to acknowledge the image being forced into his nightmares. "I think... I think its hungry..."

Forcing the terrifying image of Bellatrix's "//Forbidden/ //Forest//"/ out of his mind, Harry knew he could now take care of the disorganized Death Eaters, but he had to make sure that no innocents got back up and into the line of fire again. So, in his best booming voice, Harry commanded: "EVERYBODY STAY DOWN!"

"Does that mean us, too?" Harry heard a Death Eater ask.

"NO, IT DOESN'T!" screamed Bellatrix while she stood and - thankfully - covered herself. "Kill Potter!"

Ron rolled onto his side and launched a Stunner at the Death Eater to Bellatrix's right and the masked fiend fell to the floor. With a swish of her wand, Hermione conjured a thick robe that wound itself around another villain. Taking his girlfriend's lead, Harry tapped into his love based magic again and attempted to conjure a thick rope that would bind another Death Eater. But Harry didn't conjure a rope that wrapped itself abound a bad guy; instead he conjured a chain and it wrapped itself around three Death Eaters. It wasn't a simple chain by any means either; it appeared to be the type of chain that is attached to an anchor for a cruise ship. Each link looked like it weighed as much as two men.

"Ooff," one of the bound Death Eaters moaned pitifully under Harry's chain. "This is really heavy..."

"Reducto!" screamed Bellatrix and the ground in front of Ron exploded. The blast sent Ron, Harry and Hermione into the air. Ron crashed into the wall and fell to the floor in a heap, Hermione landed behind the counter supporting the cash till, and Harry hit the wall of tasteless and tacky pullovers. When his body hit the wall, a majority of the novelty shirts were knocked off of their pegs and ended up burying him.

As Harry tried to dig himself out of the mountain of pullovers, he heard Bellatrix command her fellow Death Eaters to revive their fallen comrades. "Wake them up!" she barked.

The two Death Eaters quickly performed several Re-enervate Charms. As Harry poked his head out of the mountain of novelty shirts, he saw the Death Eater that Ron had Stunned stand up. He also saw Ron was unconscious, slumped against the far wall with blood seeping out of a gash on his forehead. Harry then saw that Hermione was using the check-out counter as a shield.

"Bellatrix, we can't Re-enervate the ones Potter Stunned," one of the Death Eaters informed their leader as another busied himself by banishing the ropes Hermione had conjured. Harry noted that they couldn't banish the chains that he had created.

"Damn that house-elf!" cursed Bellatrix. "He told us Potter was powerless!"

Harry wondered what she was talking about for a moment before the realization hit him. She had to be referring to Kreacher. Harry had told both Doby and Kreacher that his power had gone "all wonky" and that he couldn't conjure anything properly. 'But how would the little shite have been able to communicate to...' Harry thought, only to have his memory supply the answer. 'I told them to leave. Kreacher must've decided that the order meant for him to leave the castle. And of course the bastard would've immediately scurried off to his more favored masters and promptly told them that I was powerless.'

"I was going to give him his wish and chop off his head and mount it," Bellatrix continued to complain. "But for now, I'll make his life a living hell until I get what's rightfully mine; the Most Noble House of Black's ancestral home."

"Didn't you know that's my house now?" Harry shouted still half hidden under the pile of pullovers. He saw Bellatrix look around frantically trying to find him; apparently she hadn't seen where he landed. "Does it bother you that number twelve is now owned by a half-blood?" Harry continued to taunt. He could see the rage build up in Bellatrix's face. "Maybe I should live there."

"Yes, and does it bother you that the halfblood will be shagging his mudblood girlfriend there as well!" added Hermione. A well of hope and a touch of lust sprung up in Harry's heart at Hermione's statement. Even though she was taunting Bellatrix, Hermione had mentioned having sex with Harry! She had used rather crude language but as Harry had discovered earlier, he found "Dirty - Talking Hermione" a bit of a turn on.

"His girlfriend?" Harry heard of the masked Death Eater asked. "But I thought he was a poof and that he fancied Draco?"

Resolving to deal with the aftereffects of both that damned /Daily Prophet/ article and the traitorous house-elf later, Harry jumped out of the pile of pullovers and launched a super-Stunner at the five remaining Death Eaters. Regrettably for Harry, Bellatrix and the same two Death Eaters who had ducked his Stunner before ducked again. The recently revived and the recently unbound Death Eaters both muttered "oh, bugger," an instant before the red arch struck them in the chest, sending them both off to slumber-land.

"Disarm him now!" barked Bellatrix before Harry could launch another Stunner.

"Expelliarmus!" shouted Bellatrix and the two remaining Death Eaters in unison. Harry felt as if a bludger had hit his hand. Not only did his wand go flying out of his grasp, he also felt one of his fingers break as he was struck with three powerful Disarming Spells.

"Stupefy!" Hermione shouted and one of the Death Eaters collapsed to the floor. She dodged back behind the counter before Bellatrix and her remaining thug could counterattack.

"Don't bother with Walker," commanded Bellatrix, indicating the fallen Death Eater. "Kill the girl; I'll take care of Potter!"

While cradling his injured hand, Harry looked around desperately for his wand. He was of no help to anyone without it.

As the unknown Death Eater stalked toward the counter, Bellatrix pointed her wand at Harry and shouted: "Locomotor Mortis!"

Harry's legs locked together and he started to fall. He tried to lessen the fall by bracing his hands in front of him, but this only led to further injuring his broken finger. Harry suppressed a groan as saw his twisted digit which was already turning a nasty blue color.

"I'm going to enjoy watching wee baby Potter cry for his mama," Bellatrix taunted in her sickly baby voice. Harry looked past his tormentor and saw that the Death Eater was very close to where Hermione was hiding.

Hermione whipped herself from behind the counter and pushed the large barrel that contained hundreds of "/glowing/ baby Harry" figurines over, spilling its contents on the ground. Before the Death Eater could react, Hermione rapidly cast a series of Banishing Charms on the figurines, sending them at her attacker. The Death Eater cried out as dozens of "glowing baby Harry" figurines pelted his face and body.

"OW! OW! OW!" he cried as his white mask was shattered.

"Stop your whining and kill her!" Bellatrix ordered in an annoyed tone.

"But it hurts!" the Death Eater complained. He turned his head away from the onslaught of flying figurines and Harry saw that one of his eyes was already black and blood was dripping from his nose. The Death Eater cried out in agony and whipped his body around. Harry was quite taken back to see a figurine had been thoroughly shoved into the villain's ear. He desperately tried to pull the little plastic toy out of his ear canal as Hermione continued to send the figurines pelting into his back. Suddenly, the Death Eater screamed in utter pain, and began to hop around while clutching his backside. "OW! OW! OW!"

"What is the matter now?" demanded Bellatrix.

"It's in the ouchy area!" the Death Eater cried out while pointing frantically toward his bum. "GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!"

Thankfully for the Death Eater, the pain of having a small plastic toy forcibly shoved up his bum was replaced with the sweet oblivion that came to one when a large wooden barrel was smashed into his head. Apparently, Hermione had run out of "glowing baby Harry"'s so she decided to use the barrel that housed them as a projectile and Banished it at her attacker's head. As the Death Eater crumpled to the ground, Harry noticed that a good deal of his robes seemed to be wedged firmly in his arse.

Hermione quickly leveled her wand at Bellatrix but it was too late. "Expelliarmus!" shouted Bellatrix and Hermione's wand flew from her grasp. Hermione gasped as Bellatrix began to walk toward her. "I think I will play with you while wee baby Potter watches."

Harry frantically dragged himself across the floor. The villainess stood in front of Hermione and raised her wand so that it was pointing at the younger witch's heart. Harry tore at the ground, causing his broken finger to twist more, as he propelled himself at Bellatrix. He realized that without his wand he was powerless because he didn't know any wandless magic. And because of his injured hand and the fact that his legs were rendered useless due to the Leg Locker Hex all that he could do was paw at Bellatrix's back.

"You're going to suffer, mudblood," sneered Bellatrix, pointing her wand at Hermione. Harry had finally caught up with Bellatrix and with his one good hand, tried to pull the witch away from Hermione. "And your worthless half-blood boyfriend can do nothing to stop me besides fondling my back..."

Then a sudden thought hit Harry: he did know wandless magic!

"... Why are you doing that? It's really annoying!" commented Bellatrix off-handedly to Harry, as he continued to paw at her back. Harry was oblivious to her comments; he was lost in his own thoughts as he tried to force himself to tap into his core. It was extremely hard to access anything love based when dealing with Bellatrix. He had to fight to prevent his memory from calling up the image of Bellatrix without her robe. It's hard to do wandless magic when one is on the verge of vomiting.

Harry decided to focus his memory on the techniques described in the section from his 'special book' concerning /'Pleasure Pressure Points'/.

"... You do realize that I'm a married woman, don't you?"

Harry remembered that one of the more potent points was located on the small of the back. It would actually produce an orgasm in the witch if performed properly.

"... Even if I wasn't, you're far too young a boy for my taste..."

But Harry realized that just a simple orgasm wouldn't be enough to stop Bellatrix from harming Hermione. He had to give her such an orgasm that it would knock her out.

"... Is this how he treats you?" Bellatrix asked Hermione. "Because if it is, I truly pity you... he couldn't pleasure a three-Sickle whore..."

Pushing aside his fear, Harry focused on Hermione and how much he loved her. It help when the memory of a naked, moist, and very satisfied Hermione spread out in front of him entered his mind.

"Oh, well, back to the task at hand," stated Bellatrix nonchalantly. "This will hurt you more than it does me... /CRUCI/-"

Bellatrix froze in mid-incantation as Harry forced his powerful love-based magic into her body through one of the more powerful pleasure points.

"Oh!" Bellatrix muttered as she dropped her wand. Harry could feel the muscles in her back tense up before she said once more "Oh!"

She arched her back almost painfully and shouted "OH!" at the top of her lungs before falling backwards - onto Harry mind you. Once she crashed onto Harry's back, she began to thrash and buck on top of him. Her arms and legs flayed this way and that. Needless to say, all the thrashing and limb flaying, Harry got thoroughly pummeled.

"OH! OH! OH! OH! OH!" Bellatrix continued to scream as she unknowingly beat the hell out of Harry. The young wizard attempted to move her off of him, but somehow, all he managed to do was to roll himself over while Bellatrix stayed on top of him. This made matters worse for Harry, instead of getting his back beaten up, now his front was getting smacked, elbowed, head butted, and kneed.

"Harry, are you okay?" a concerned Hermione asked as she witnessed the spectacle in front of her.

"OW - Her - OW -mi - OW -o - OW - nee -OW!" cried Harry as the evil witch continued to unintentionally beat him up as she rode her mind melting orgasm on top of him. "OW - get - OW - her - OW - off - OW - of - OW - me!"

Hermione scurried to where her wand had landed and quickly performed a levitation spell on Bellatrix. The evil witch's body rose gently into the air as she was still being rocked by the orgasm.

"HARRY!" shouted Hermione as she dashed at him. "Oh, goodness, are you alright?"

"OH!" Bellatrix shouted again.

"I've been better," acknowledged Harry. He could actually feel the bruises developing all over his body. In particular, 'Harry, Jr.''s baggage had taken a particularly nasty blow.

"OH!" Bellatrix shouted again, this time somewhat softer.

"Oh god, your hand!" cried out Hermione as she saw his broken and twisted finger. She gently scooped up his injured hand and cradled it. "You poor baby!"

Bellatrix moaned out a soft, barely audible "Oh!" and bucked her hips again.

"I've broken worse," Harry admitted. Although his digit did hurt like hell, his bits were his main concern. All he wanted to do was to curl up in a corner in the fetal position and cry like a little boy.

Bellatrix thrashed again and began to foam at the mouth.

"Oh, Merlin... it was horrible..." Ron groaned out as he regained consciousness.

A disgusting gurgling noise came from Bellatrix as she bucked again.

"Oh, sweetie, I wish I could make it better," Hermione cooed to Harry as tears filled her eyes. She gently kissed his broken finger while Bellatrix jerked again and spat out some of the foam from her mouth.

"I thought I was a goner for a minute back there..." Ron muttered as he forced himself to speak. Even though he wasn't a healer, Harry could tell by the look in Ron's eyes and the way he was speaking that he must have a bad concussion. "There was so... so much... so much hair! I've seen Seamus in the shower and he's hairier than a Yeti... but he doesn't have anything on Bellatrix!"

Bellatrix's eyes rolled up into her head and she let out one final groan before losing consciousness. Harry noted that she had a ridiculously satisfied grin plastered on her face.

"We need to get you two back to the Castle so Madam Pomphrey can heal both of you," stated Hermione. She helped Harry stand and they hobbled for a bit toward Ron when Harry remembered his wand.

"Hermione, I need my wand," he moaned, hunched over while cupping his bits with his left hand and holding his injured right in the air.

"Accio Harry's wand!" commanded Hermione and his wand soared through the air and into her hand. Hermione fumbled for a bit trying to stash Harry's wand in her robes when Ron groaned:

"Look out, one of them is moving." Ron weakly pointed at the Death Eater who was slowly rising to his feet. Harry recognized the Death Eater as the one who still had a "glowing baby Harry" wedged firmly in his ear and up his bottom. The pitiful wretch winced in pain as he tried to step toward the exit.

"Stop him," Harry requested. Hermione attempted to aim her wand at the slowly retreating villain, but couldn't do it properly seeing how she was holding Harry up. As gently as she could, she lowered Harry to the floor so that he was lying next to Ron.

Apparently, the Death Eater with the impromptu bum-plug realized that he couldn't run away and had decided to attempt to Apparate away. With a loud pop, the Death Eater disappeared... well mostly disappeared that is to say. It seemed to Harry that having two foreign objects forcibly shoved in several orifices would cause some distraction. And apparently, this distraction led to a major case of splinching. The tormented fellow had accidentally left one of his legs behind as he Apparated away.

"Ow," Ron murmured as the disembodied limb fell to the floor. "That must hurt."

"Well, no reason to go after him," concluded Hermione and she tapped her wand on a pullover that had fallen in front of Ron and muttered "Portus."

Before the trio left the remnants of the gift shop Harry could hear Ron murmur "the horror... all that hair... the horror..."
10 comments

anonymous readerReport

2012-05-07 07:31:29
Honestly, great writing style, but as an avid HP reader I can confirm that BELLATRIX IS DEAD. She died in the last book which basically makes this story defunct and improbable

anonymous readerReport

2012-04-02 05:32:34
this is a joke or what?

anonymous readerReport

2012-02-19 18:06:10
on behalf of a growing number of people, BRING BACK THE BUSH

anonymous readerReport

2011-08-11 16:48:31
I can already tell that's gonna be super hlepful.

anonymous readerReport

2011-07-11 07:10:55
most stupid hp series ever!

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