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Comments from DiscipleN
Date Story title Comment
2013-02-08 16:58:13 Moms Joins the 10+ Club This is definitely my kind of story. I got pretty hot reading it. Thanks for writing it. I have suggestions to improve your story telling, if you're happy with how you write, then just ignore the following. The story's big weakness is, each thing happening in the story doesn't follow in an interesting way. The classic example is, "The king died. Then the queen died." It's very rote and dull compared to, "The king died. Then the queen died, of grief." Why something happens is very important to story telling. Interesting reasons why, make better stories. I would have written more about what Pam was thinking, and how she came to be dominated. It seemed like she suddenly just went along with everything, after her initial dismissal of Ray's offer. I would love to read a new story from you that tried to show more of the characters' influences, motivations and emotional/mental state.
2013-02-08 14:21:09 Crashing a High School party I think this is not an actual true story, but the writing is very matter-of-fact, and the dry prose helps to make it feel real. At first, I didn't like the "He did this." "He did that." "He did this other thing." cadence. It felt too mechanical. but now I think it underscores the power a rapist can assume over a victim. Chilling. 'True story' rape is not erotic to me, but I'm glad I read this.
2013-02-08 08:08:45 My Son's Cum Rag, part 6 I'm new here. So I'll comment on all the chapters so far. They've been a delight to read and are very hot. The pacing and balance between description and exposition and dialogue feels good. I love a slow building sex story, as long as it doesn't drag. This one flows very erotically. In particular, I love hearing how the protagonist judges herself before during and after each sexual event. The weakest moment, for me, was when Nick finally fucks her. I liked that he took charge and was forceful, but her sudden switch from "No. No!" to "Yes. Yes! Yes!" seemed a bit cliche. If she had continued to resist on some level, for example: voice only, then perhaps we could have followed more of how of her inner conflict resolved. The most difficult thing about porn criticism is personal tastes vary enormously. I'm not even sure which of my opinions are subjective and which are objective. I am sure I will read more of your stories! I enjoyed Team Mother, but this was better. Thank you, Kinkyb

 

 

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