Comments from Angry Ed
|2012-07-21 23:37:11||I agree with the first comment. It is a good story and I also like the plot. However, it does need a lot of work. Take your time. The sheer amount of grammatical errors has become distracting and I think someones name actually changed within three paragraphs. You still have me aching for more though. Good luck.|
|2013-01-29 17:32:51||Returning Chapter 01||"A young street tough was trying to pump his self up"
A person would pump himself or herself up. I only found one other but cant remember what it was. Near the end. Didn't even notice Maine... Really nice.
|2013-01-29 19:06:19||Returning Chapter 02||maybe a comma here? I'm of the:
"across her back, bottom and legs" school.
And to go with the 'softcore' words, I like that some of your characters don't use contractions. Its how I write when I try to sound intelligent or proper and I think it fits.
"A screaming orgasm ripped her again passed out on the bed below me." could have been 'As a... she passed' or 'her again' and still nit picking i know.
Really? “What happen[ed]?” It's my name I always notice.
"relieve myself the[n] headed"
Can you put italics or something here?
“till The First Star winked out; I told them I would leave until the *first* star winked out..." still nit picking.
Also same spot. would it be possible to differentiate between spoken dialog and mental? Like: <Something > or [something else] instead of "everything" ?
" pistol, [h]olster, and ammo boxes."
There may have been more but I ran out of chars so deal with it. Editing LOL as I go. Love it! Can't wait for the next two. (6 and
|2013-01-29 19:08:07||Returning Chapter 02||Also, sorry if someone else already said something about my corrections. I wasn't about to read through all the comments and take out what was mentioned already. I don't want to wait that long to read the next one.
And sorry about the double post.
|2013-01-29 20:31:06||Returning Chapter 03||There were a few grammar issues. However, run on sentences... my gods. i also think you might be rushing it. keep to your style and elaborate. And just a little warning. Don't fall into Ka's (you know who I'm talking about) fatal flaw. Allow your main character to struggle. Even fail. We'll root even harder for him. (or her ;-) as the case may be)
You can't have love without hate. And you cannot win unless you know what it is to lose. I don't feel like Rhys has lost anything yet. The Wife yeah but, we don't know what that was like. A dream sequence might solve that. (Flash back Wayen's World style)