| Date |
Story title |
Comment |
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| 2013-04-27 05:47:52 |
The Hunters become the hunted part 3 |
I am back to working full time and have little time for writing currently though I am working on some stories. Next chapter of this will be written as for when idk. As for the ***** that is there to show the shifts in perspective as I am writing a story in first person from two different perspectives which isn't easy so I added them for me and also to aid readers in keeping track |
| 2013-04-03 03:43:23 |
Daddy's Game |
Very Well Done, no major errors and a good concept |
| 2013-03-18 23:36:06 |
The Hunters become the hunted part 3 |
I'm sorry for the delay, laptop crashed and I lost what I had written from the next chapter. As soon as i have time I will re-write and post chapter 4 |
| 2013-02-28 15:14:57 |
The Hunters become the hunted part 3 |
I'm working on the next chapter, but my priority is the novel I'm trying to write so it may take a little time |
| 2013-02-23 01:46:27 |
Modern Mage Chapter 23 |
I am also working on a novel that may set up a series for the Hidden War |
| 2013-02-23 01:45:47 |
Modern Mage Chapter 23 |
I don't know for certain that there will be a sequel to this story I will continue to write within the world. We may here from some of the members of this group again, and from some new one from within the same world. Andrew and Sindee are not likely to return anytime soon, they've had an eventful life for the time being. Arthur, Jaq and some of the crew may come into play in a future story but anything I write about the existence may occur prior to Modern Mage and therefor Jaq would be missing. I also have Vampires, Werewolves, Mages and other supernatural characters none of you have met yet. Jaq was a creation that I came up with for this story and I liked her enough in the short visit from Andrew that adding her into the fabric was something I decided as I went. The relationship with Arthur fit as they have similar personalities including the desire protect others from dangers that normal citizens can't handle on their own. |
| 2013-02-18 11:24:15 |
The Hunters become the hunted part 3 |
In due time their paths will again cross but I this story is less about the physical conflict and more about the turmoil and conflicting emotions they are each suffering. Fear not for they shall once again meet and most likely in the next chapter. I don't plan for this to turn into a 23 chapter novel in the way that the "Short Story" I called Modern Mage did. |
| 2013-02-18 11:08:06 |
The Hunters become the hunted part 3 |
In due time their paths will again cross but I this story is less about the physical conflict and more about the turmoil and conflicting emotions they are each suffering. Fear not for they shall once again meet and most likely in the next chapter. I don't plan for this to turn into a 23 chapter novel in the way that the "Short Story" I called Modern Mage did. |
| 2013-02-17 21:06:50 |
Modern Mage - Introduction (Edited) |
I figured that the house being blown apart from within explained that pretty well. He threw raw energy at his attacker, think of it an a miniature explosion. The Father and Brother survived as they were behind solid objects and protected from the blast. The little sister was upstairs and thrown from the house with the rest of the upper story. |
| 2013-02-17 19:17:47 |
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To: Anonymous reader
2013-02-17 19:01:41
Hey, I hope I didn't offend.....
If you don't want to leave anonymous comments you can join the site for free and sign in when you are going to comment. It will leave your screen name as it does mine and any other member who leaves comments. It will also let you send private messages to other authors on the site. |
| 2013-02-17 14:57:36 |
My Specail Talent-Ch.1 |
Interesting story. Try to separate the dialog and use paragraph's. It will make the story more readable. Your descriptions are pretty good. Your word choice and sentence flow need a little work because you either mistyped or altogether forgot words in some places. Not a bad piece for a first story. f you want help with the writing skills, post in the Forum under Sex Stories and ask for advice and you'll get. I've taken to posting both on the story site and into the forum for that same purpose. |
| 2013-02-17 14:45:56 |
|
What can I say that hasn't already been exclaimed. Very well written, punctuation issues seem to be disappearing. No uses of the wrong words or too much re-use of the same words that I could catch as I read. All in all another excellent chapter to Rhys's tale. I can't wait for the next one. |
| 2013-02-16 23:02:50 |
Mages practies |
Interest concept but you need to work on a number of areas. Your punctuation and word choice up front are the top two. You made contractions out of words that aren't and don't need to be such a meant. Take a little more time and be descriptive. You have the imagination to write, you just have to work on your technical skills. I'm not rating the story positive or negative because it is middle of the road as it is. If you want assistance from the authors on the site post the story into the Sex Stories forum and ask for constructive criticisms and you'll find some of the best authors on the site (CAW Winners and others from the Recommended Writers list) more than willing to aid you. All you have to do is first, ask; and second listen whether you like what is said or not. I am still working on issues in my writing and regularly ask for advice for Snowleopard3200, Ed Itor, Darthel01 and others and I may not like everything they say but I listen and adjust as I need to |
| 2013-02-16 12:44:03 |
MInding Others, part 1 |
Good Start, be intested in seeing where this goes. |
| 2013-02-16 00:01:00 |
Returning Chapter 02 |
Again, well written. Needs some punctuation beyond quotes and periods to make it more readable. Few spelling or word choice errors. Got to read the rest of them |
| 2013-02-15 23:06:30 |
Returning Chapter 01 |
I posted the previous message Broot, wanted you to know it wasn't anonymous. I got logged out in the time I took to read slowly. I normally read to fast to truly enjoy what I'm reading but you asked for reviews and advise so I'll give them to you |
| 2013-02-15 00:58:45 |
The Existence - Chapter 1 |
I have to ask, where do you get vague from? I gave details about who and what everyone but the strangers who walked through the door were. I didn't reveal everything because Arthur wouldn't have done so when I played him as my character in the game that inspired all of this. Since the story is told from his perspective and I wanted to remain true to the man as I played him I wrote as he behaved. |
| 2013-02-15 00:55:42 |
The Existence - Chapter 2 |
If I do a follow up to this story it will most likely be before the events in Modern Mage. As for doing one after it all happened, keep in mind the place is as much magick as it is a real business and if you read the end of Modern Mage you already know that the place was being fixed up for re-opening as the end of that story. I may instead of doing a direct followup to this or Modern Mage give you some one shot storied about some of the regulars and how they came into the Existence. |
| 2013-02-15 00:16:00 |
The Hunters become the hunted |
Reply to: Anonymous reader
2013-02-14 23:46:57
Thank you |
| 2013-02-14 21:42:41 |
The Hunters become the hunted part 2 |
I wrote this one short because I had the time to do so. I'm actually trying to write a book so I'm writing the other stories when the inspiration hits me for them and I'm not working on the book. If you like longer stories and chapters check out my other story Modern Mage. It has 23 chapters with a couple of side stories |
| 2013-02-13 23:41:24 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 2 (edited) |
To the last person to post; Thank you, I always appreciate the compliments and more so a woman's perspective. I am glad you enjoyed the story. |
| 2013-02-13 23:38:52 |
The Hunters become the hunted |
This was meant to be tagged as non-erotic, not non-consent. That being said, thank you all for the feedback, please continue to comment or fend me PMs via the forum. I will most likely add to this and post some other short stories as time passes but I am actually finally writing the Hidden War book. Making some changes to the world as required to avoid copyright infringements from my original inspiration but the magick and supernatural denizens will be in the world. With my own twist to the nature of what they are. |
| 2013-02-03 04:45:36 |
Modern Mage Chapter 23 |
You're correct in that he was thanking Roarke, but it was for removing the Nephandi's enemy and nothing was said of Andrew specifically. I left that as a vague idea in order to mislead intentionally because even Andrew still doesn't know that the Nephandi he kept facing was himself. As it was a vision of a possible future and not an actual one since Roarke had already been defeated. It was more of a warning to Andrew that he needed to turn the hunter from the path he was walking and make a friend and ally out of him if possible. The reason the Nephandi version of Andrew was trying to kill him was insanity, the Nephandi was becoming a Marauder because of his inability to deal with the loss he suffered and seekings he went through to gain power. The thing to remember is that every vision Andrew had was a different branch of time and possibility. If your interested in better understanding this premise, look up Branching Universe Theory. It's an interesting read. |
| 2013-02-01 14:58:05 |
Modern Mage Chapter 23 |
Since it won't spoil any plans for future stories in this world or with these characters i will tell you all who the Nephandi was as you are all quite familiar with him. The Nephandi was Andrew himself, the fall to becoming a Nephandi was because of losing Sindee. In each trip to the future, she was either gone or changes in some way from the person she was. The fact that he could use Magick in a world that no longer supported it was a clue. His assumption of being in two time streams was a guess as I had said in the story. Another clue was the Nephandi's source of power; as stated in the story Andrew was the only person who had ever found a way to get out of Todash on their own. After accomplishing that it would be easy to connect with one of the beings from there. The next clue was in his last vision with all of them dead, there was no Nephandi. The final clue, no vision for months after the Lich was defeated. The Lich was my Big Bad idea from the start |
| 2013-01-30 13:27:05 |
Modern Mage Chapter 23 |
If you all really want to know who the Nephandi that Andrew kept seeing was, let me know and I'll tell you. However, I think some of you may have been able to guess if you paid attention to much of the story. Remember I am a devil's in the details kind of person. I appreciate the following that the story has gotten and do plan to write some more. You may see some of these characters again and some you may not. I may come back to this group a few years down the line or on an alternate timeline. This is why I love to play around with Branching Universe Theory, Parallel Worlds and Multiple Planes of existence in my writing. They also make for interesting plot devices when running a game. For the publishing issue, contacted the copyright holder, they are not licencing any outside writers. |
| 2013-01-29 17:15:25 |
Modern Mage Chapter 23 |
I do use a word processor with spelling and grammar editing. I also reread the chapters prior to posting them. Unfortunately, neither process is perfect. I will continue to work more on my editing. I am also putting serious consideration into attempting to write an actual book for publication based on some of my other ideas. As it stands, I've written, edited and posted all of this on my own. I don't have any support staff so to speak that would be able to look over and see what I missed. Thank you all for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed the story. As for other stories involving these characters, maybe. Depends greatly on inspiration. If I do write and publish a book, it will not be in this fictional world but one I'll need to flesh out as the inspiration for this story came from a copyrighted role playing game universe with changes made to suit the story I wanted to tell. |
| 2013-01-29 17:15:21 |
Modern Mage Chapter 23 |
I do use a word processor with spelling and grammar editing. I also reread the chapters prior to posting them. Unfortunately, neither process is perfect. I will continue to work more on my editing. I am also putting serious consideration into attempting to write an actual book for publication based on some of my other ideas. As it stands, I've written, edited and posted all of this on my own. I don't have any support staff so to speak that would be able to look over and see what I missed. Thank you all for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed the story. As for other stories involving these characters, maybe. Depends greatly on inspiration. If I do write and publish a book, it will not be in this fictional world but one I'll need to flesh out as the inspiration for this story came from a copyrighted role playing game universe with changes made to suit the story I wanted to tell. |
| 2013-01-26 13:13:04 |
Modern mage Chapter 21 |
I accept both of your opinions and respect your right in forming them. As to why I have written the story this way is that the narration is first person, from the mind of the character. His overriding thoughts are about her. Not everyone is going to like my writing style or story and I accepted that before making my first post. As for the number of reads, I'm not trying to write the most popular story on the site, just a tale I want to tell and hope others enjoy. For the most part, that is what I've done. I appreciate those that have read and enjoyed as much as those who have stopped reading as the writing was not to a style or format that they enjoyed. Thank you to everyone who reads the stories and leaves me feedback or comments both here and those who joined the site to PM me so I could reply and speak with them. |
| 2013-01-20 17:21:35 |
Modern Mage Chapter 19 |
I didn't really make her a daywalker as much as she was one in the story we had played. I will surprise you with some of the things I bring into the story as some of them come from the Games I;ve played and other from reading books and my imagination. There are more types of vampires than those I have brought in thus far just as there are other types of magic, shapeshifters, were creatures and other things that my twisted imagination can create. I can't wait to introduce you to beings that I call Aspects, they were a mind trip when I thought them up. |
| 2013-01-19 13:08:37 |
Modern Mage Chapter 19 |
To be honest, yes the cliffhanger was necessary. I say this because that's where it felt natural to end the chapter as I was typing it. I don't write and then re-type. I type the story into a word processor and edit as I go. I then re-edit after I complete the chapter. Once I feel that everything is right for it to be posted I do so. Remember that Arthur and his people are friends, but they are fighting an all together different war. Arthur was my personal character in a gaming group and the rest of the staff was inspired by the other players in that group's characters. I am glad that people are enjoying the stories as I continue to post them. There will be gaps in post as I write only when the inspiration strikes me. I won't force a story because that only causes poor writing and horrible plot. |
| 2013-01-19 13:07:57 |
Modern Mage Chapter 19 |
To be honest, yes the cliffhanger was necessary. I say this because that's where it felt natural to end the chapter as I was typing it. I don't write and then re-type. I type the story into a word processor and edit as I go. I then re-edit after I complete the chapter. Once I feel that everything is right for it to be posted I do so. Remember that Arthur and his people are friends, but they are fighting an all together different war. Arthur was my personal character in a gaming group and the rest of the staff was inspired by the other players in that group's characters. I am glad that people are enjoying the stories as I continue to post them. There will be gaps in post as I write only when the inspiration strikes me. I won't force a story because that only causes poor writing and horrible plot. |
| 2012-11-28 20:20:59 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 16 |
I apologize to all those who want more and have been waiting. I've been unable to get online recently due to employment issues and bills so as soon as I am back to full time work and am able to be online regularly I will continue to write and post more of the story. Please be patient as I have no intent to leave to work unfinished |
| 2012-09-15 16:57:30 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 16 |
I'll admit to being a little distracted and that this feels like it could have been added to the last chapter. However i didn't realize when I started this chapter that I was going to be jumping ahead again by a fair period of time. I wanted to close of this portion of the story before introducing too many new characters and concepts all at once. I hope you'll all be around for my next section of the story when it is complete |
| 2012-09-07 18:11:55 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 15 |
No I'm not a physics or PhD student. What I am is insanely curious and love to read anything that catches my attention. I read about Schrodinger's Cat when I was a kid in grade school. Linear Time Theory and Branching Universe theory I looked up seeing movies about someone going back and changing the past. I love to learn and will always continue in my curiosity.
If I write a book on the Hidden War it will be a novel not a gaming book. The particular system that inspired this tale is not in print any longer. The game company is still around but they have relaunched and changed the general theme of the system. I will post here and the forums if I do actually succeed in publishing a book. |
| 2012-09-07 07:00:50 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 15 |
It is less about Cliffhangers as it is about leaving a good place for the next chapter to start from. I prefer to have them flow together rather than jump to entirely new subject at the start of a new chapter. If the story wasn't being told from the perspective on the main character it would make more sense to write a chapter about one group and have the next chapter focus on another.
As for "The Existence" I may tackle more stories there though I have nothing planned at the moment and I'm not completely sure I want to reveal too much in regard to the Hidden War as that may actually see print if I work up the courage to try for a published book. I have been working on an outline for a game based on the hidden war that could be converted into a book instead of used for Role Playing Game sessions. |
| 2012-09-06 22:32:01 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 15 |
It isn't the end of the story, just the end of the chapter. I write the end of chapter to flow into the next one. I like to leave myself with a starting off point in the story. No need to be pissed as i will be continuing to write chapters until I run out of story. I'll being the story to a proper close at that time. |
| 2012-09-05 19:59:37 |
A Super Life Chapter 3 |
Excellent story as usual from you Jade. I like that fact that she makes human mistakes as many "Hero" characters in stories are shown as morally superior and incapable of making the wrong choices. Keep writing. |
| 2012-09-01 03:11:35 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 13 |
I am working on the next chapter now. It's taking longer because there is so much to impart and I am having some difficulties working it the way I want to. The Existence may have some short stories added to it, the place is more of a setting than it's own tale. The Character Andrew my my actual player character in that game and the place started out as described in the introduction. The other staff members were my friends characters and as much as possible I am keeping their play style in the personalities you'll see from the staff members. I appreciate the following and those of you who have been patient with the delay. |
| 2012-08-27 00:59:20 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 13 |
To clear up the confusion if there is some, the Nephandi aren't so much a new type as much as they are a faction. They use the same 9 spheres and powers of a normal Mage, the only difference is the change in power from avatar to infernal being. There are two other factions that will come into play over time. I already mentioned the Technocracy. They have a different view of Magick but still use the 9 spheres. They even have avatars, I'll explain the difference if and when I need to. The last group may or may not come into play and I'll cover then only if I need to at the time, |
| 2012-08-21 20:31:18 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 12 |
To the gentleman below with the Backhanded Compliment, I appreciate the fact that you like the story. However, you come across as more than insulting. What I do for a living is Technical Support. I work very hard and have earned what I have. As for the detail and fantasy world, I have already stated in several of the previous stories that much of my inspiration comes from old pen and paper RPGs that my friends and I played when we hung out instead of just sitting around watching tv or going out to spend money that was needed to pay bills and take care of family. So maybe next time you want to leave a compliment, try not to be more insulting than complimentary and maybe the person won't think of you as an asshole |
| 2012-08-20 21:08:35 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 12 |
I paused when I did because of a few reasons. First is the face that I was at eight pages in Word and the second is that what happens next is more important to the next chapter which I'm working on in my head than to this one. Besides, you want to know what happens in the next chapter now don't you? |
| 2012-08-20 02:20:14 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 2 (edited) |
To the Anonymous reader who doesn't seem to be a fan. You have a lot to say for someone not logged in or posting to the site. While I don't consider myself an excellent writer I am working on it. However, any writer must market to the intended audience in their writing and many readers want to see the aforementioned "Cum in Me" line. From the way you gripe about never hearing it, it comes across as something you want a partner to say to you. Personal Preference there. No I haven;t has a woman scream that for me, but I prefer the satisfied look in her eyes as we fall asleep from exhaustion to any amount of screaming she could do. My personal preference there.
As to your last line, if they require an IQ test to Post there should be one to comment and vote just the same.
To the other readers and posters I apologize for my rant, but some people do get on my nerves |
| 2012-08-18 15:20:19 |
The Existence - Chapter 1 |
I'll be giving more detail soon, and I never said that the people that came in were Vampires. I just gave you a time of night that the people arrived. I'll be adding the detail in the next chapter before anything else happens. As for skipping the detail, I've had reader complain that I don't give enough just as often as too much so with the descriptions I'll keep the details. I'm setting up a story in chapters because I'm on here as much to practice my writing as to entertain the readers. Thank You for reading. |
| 2012-08-18 02:17:30 |
Pizza delivery |
break it up into paragraphs and a little more detail would be good. I liked the story but there are some improvements you can make. It is a worthy first attemp |
| 2012-08-14 14:29:01 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 9 |
I guess now would be a good time to explain a little more about casting. A Spell or Rote is created by the a Mage and has a pre-determined effect. The particular rote in this chapter was created by a friend of mine for a game we played years ago. A mage can use anything for a Foci, from a symbol, a gesture even to specific words. However, no matter what the trigger, there must be intent behind the spell or Mages would be casting random spells all the time. I'm glad you got a laugh out of the invocation, we all did as well when he first used it. |
| 2012-08-13 12:17:06 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 9 |
I did proof read the entire document prior to submitting, I was exhausted at the time so I may have missed some issues. I am going to say thank you for letting me know about them., As for the gentleman that came to my defense, thank you as well. When I asked for comments, my concern was primarily for people opinions of the chapter and the overall story arch. That being said, feel free to comment what you think needs to be put in here. I wouldn't ask for the feedback if I couldn't take it or wasn't planning to consider it. Thank you again for taking the time to read my story. |
| 2012-08-12 21:48:52 |
A Not-So-Simple Life: Part 4 |
Love the story and your writing style. Hoping to see and read more from you |
| 2012-08-12 15:25:30 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 8 |
When I said I wouldn't leave the readers Hanging, it was in reference to just stopping the story entirely. I've left unresolved issues in each chapter so far, and usually at the very end to give me a good starting point for the next one. I promise you I am working on the next chapter already though it may be a few days to a week before I post it as I have a lot to do for the story and job hunting as well. |
| 2012-08-12 02:35:21 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 7 |
Never read anything about the Werelords though they sound interesting. As I said before, most of the inspiration for my story comes from the World of Darkness setting from White Wolf Games. The Werewolves had several tribes and there are other species as well. Everything from bears and large jungle cats to Spiders and sharks. There were also a few unusual species like crows and alligators. White Wolf has storylines for Mages, Were-creatures, Vampires, Mortal Hunters, Mummys and just about anything else you can imagine. My ispiration is from the Original Wold of Darkness not the relaunch, though I chage things, add some of my own and pull whatever comes to mind into the story. I'm glad that some of you are enjoying it |
| 2012-08-11 23:42:30 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 8 |
I knew that ending, while very appropriate for the tale and for me since I still need to make some choices as to the direction of the story was going to frustrate some. I'm hoping it doesn't get negative ratings just for the cliffhanger. There are obviously 2 main ways this story cab go from here, but there are also several side paths and options I've left myself. Don't think I've forgotten the letters from the earlier chapters. Some things I set up in early chapters will lead to blind turns and dead end while others are for much farther into the story. I'm glad you are enjoying the read. |
| 2012-08-10 13:12:56 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 6 |
I am writing it in Microsoft Office Word 2007, to correct most of the spelling errors I've gone back through repeatedly before posting. As for the Grammar issues, not all but some of them are intended. When the characters talk I want them to sound like real people, not William Shatner. Also the story is being told from the first person so some of the issues are the characters, this is why I never go into the thoughts of other characters. I have played Characters in the World of Darkness with a gaming group that has given me insight into the world. I haven't played in a while and want to find a group again. This particular tale came to me right before I started to write it, and I'm letting the story flow and direct itself instead of forcing it. That's why I'm taking my time between chapters right now, I want the story to unfold properly and with quality that a rush job would ruin. Thank you again for reading and keep the feedback coming. |
| 2012-08-08 13:27:27 |
Modern Mage - Chaper 5 |
I think most of the errors are occurring as I copy the story from Office Word and pasting it into the Publication tool here on the site. I read each paragraph as I go, then reread the chapter before making the copy. The question marks are popping up replacing quotations in some places and not in other. I wasn't thinking so much of the "With great power.." quote as the two ideas behind the character being: What is the morality of having and using power, and the saying "power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely" This is more for entertainment and to practice my writing skills. The only other thing I ever wrote was a kids storybook for a contest while I was in middle school more than 20 years ago. I took first place in the state but never went anywhere with it. I'm an avid reader and decided to try writing again. |
| 2012-08-07 04:02:23 |
Modern Mage - Chapter 4 |
Apparently this chapter isn't as well liked as the others, at least right now. As I asked at the beginning of each chapter and in the comments before, please leave feedback via comment or Private Message so I can improve my writing. I can't do much about all the question marks. They seem to replace several other types of punctuation when I copy the story from my Word program to the website. |
| 2012-08-06 23:47:54 |
Modern Mage - Chapter |
Chapter 4, I'll repost with it in place |
| 2012-08-06 04:09:21 |
Modern Mage - Introduction (Edited) |
Again I thank toy all for the feedback, something i should have put in the introduction but I'll add here as I added it in the third chapter is this: While there will be sex and erotica in the story, my primary purpose in writing this story is the Morality of Having Power and Using it. I never said the main character was a hero or villian, more than anything he is just a man telling his story. It's up to the individual reading to choose what role they see him in. Since there is already a contention between at least two people on this it looks like it's working. The second reason is I am thinking of actually trying to write or find a co-author to help me write a book so I need some experience with character development. I appreciate the feedback and notes, keep them coming please |
| 2012-08-04 22:37:40 |
Modern Mage - Introduction (Edited) |
I'll be telling his story as we go along. Mind magick is just one aspect of what he can do. There are other areas he'll be using. If your familiar at all with White Wolf Games you understand more about the type of mage he is becoming. I intend the story to be as much about character development as about the sex when it occurs on the story. I appreciate all the feedback and will keep checking back and taking it into account |