Comments from MrSoftee
|2011-11-20 13:27:59||Sibling Rivalry - Coping with Retirement Ch5||Out of nowhere? I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'introduced' but In the first chapter Lettie strikes a deal to bring lezzie girlfriends round, that's various unspecified girls as it's going to be a place where they can have sex, which they can't at home.
Then in Chapter 3 Janie explains more about girls coming round and the first one - Lara - comes. In Chapter 4 Lettie likens it to School of Rock except it's a school for sex :))
Everyone except David goes to the same school, maybe I needed to make that more clear? It's covered in Ch3.
So David's house is a destination, and in this chapter Seeta and Graham are new, invited by Lettie.
|2011-11-29 12:35:14||Superb! Really loved it. I hope you're going to take it forward as fiction?? It has all kinds of potential. The mind boggles at the idea of you and Raquel, just for starters...|
|2011-12-05 09:02:49||House Guests pt. 3-4 (w/ revised/re-edited pt. 1-2)||Terrific story thanks!|
|2011-12-11 05:58:55||Sibling Rivalry - Coping with Retirement Ch5||Mmm, well there's been a time gap between this and the previous episode, during which stuff has been happening that Vicki's been jealously observing. One of those things is that Lettie, who runs the show, has invited their Greek God of a PE teacher to join in. They all know him of course, except David who is under her spell.
So it doesn't seem odd to me! The plot is basically Lettie taking over David's house and bringing who she wants in a modern-day commune that echoes David's hippie days. Though I'm grateful you commented. I'll keep thinking about it, maybe I'll see it. Other characters have popped in like girls on the lawn, that seems in-plot to me.
He IS a dramatic necessity, to make the need to involve Vicki so urgent, so maybe that makes it seem a bit forced. Or perhaps it WAS a bit forced! How would you have 'introduced' him?
|2011-12-12 02:30:58||Sibling Rivalry - Coping with Retirement Ch5||You wouldn't have a chapter just to introduce a relatively minor character though. He's explained by being a teacher at the school all of them go to and the way the story is about that exact kind of thing; then the story has to keep moving. I think your expectations are a bit out of kilter with the storyline tbh.
Anyway glad to have had your interest, if I do any more on this story maybe I'll flesh him out a bit, as it were.