Comments from BlackRonin
|2010-06-26 04:19:03||Kidnapping New Whores||Hey, don't let offended people push you around, just because you're writing about edgy, extreme material doesn't make you "sick", so don't let them tell you otherwise.
That said, this story feels awkward and unwieldy. It seems you're trying to be shocking and exploitative, but the plot and characters aren't strong enough to support that material. The change of narrators is very abrupt and jarring.
I'll be honest, it's not a particularly good story, but you shouldn't let yourself get frustrated, just keep at it and don't let a few uptight people put you down.
|2010-06-27 01:33:07||The AntiChrist's puppet master.||Kind of an odd little story. Too brief by far and there are some major spelling and grammar issues here. People who don't recognize the name might have not realize the significance of certain things, and for that matter why bother appropriating that character and then basically nothing with him (this could have been a story about any average joe instead)?
As critical as I'm being though, I'll give it a pass because I think there's potential for a larger, better story here if the time and the work are invested. The tone is right, you just need more material to match it.
|2010-06-27 07:01:14||Alright, well, I get the joke, but I just don't think it's particularly funny. Not because I'm offended, just I didn't think it came off very well.|
|2010-06-28 01:42:34||Blowing a strager in his car||Eyes bleediing...can't see...GAH! Seriously, we need paragraph breaks, text crowded together on a monitor is really rough on your eyes. Also, please don't refer to a cock as a "weapon", lol.
However, other than that, a very hot, dirty little story. Thumbs up.
|2010-06-29 02:04:40||The Darkness Within||No need to apologize or qualify your work. That you submitted it shows that you like it and it can stand up to criticism on its own merits.
Other than cliche language, the big problem is that it doesn't do much of anything technically. The rhymed couplets are burdened with inconsistent rhymes (lines 3-4 and 7-8 try to rhyme singular with plural), rhymes that aren't really rhymes (rhyming "one" with itself in 5-6), or just not rhyming at all (line 19 seems to be stranded with no partner). These variations are so all over the map that it's hard to tell if they were the result of a design not apparent to the reader or just accidents.
Meter seems to be irregular iambs, which is fine, but if you started with free verse and then ended in tightly regimented meter it would represent the submission, or you could start in meter but then free it up at the end to show that submission is ironically liberating.
Don't mean to harp on you, but I thought I owed constructive criticism at the l