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Comments from BlackRonin

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Date Story title Comment
2010-06-30 13:17:45 The Darkness Within I don't see why I keep getting called an asshole simply for disliking the poem. Is criticism not allowed? Is the negative button purely ornamental? Are author's feelings so fragile that we daren't say a word against them? I've been nothing but polite and constructive and I've gotten nothing but grief for it, and my only infraction is sharing an opinion.
2010-07-27 03:32:20 The Beauty and the Cock I hate to say it, but this story is a mess. I could overlook the spelling and grammar problems (though there are a lot of them), but there's also some very strange word choice issues and the syntax is truly bizarre.

Here's a prime example: "He didnt stopped to beg me, as he was felxing his body in kind of directions as he where tensed up." What on earth? I guess the underlying meaning is (sort of) clear, but it reads like it was translated out of another language by someone fluent in a third. This in the middle of a paragraph that runs on so long you could be crushed under it.

You're not a bad storyteller, and there's the shape of a good story here, but the structure problems are too severe to be ignored. Please don't let my criticism discourage you though, write again and work at developing a more concrete, accessible style with more attention to the basics. Even just working with a proof reader who gives it a once over will help. Good luck, hope to see more in the future.
2010-08-05 16:16:37 The Red Fang, Ch 1 Pt 1 I think it's possible to write something original, but I don't think that's happened here. A little Charlaine Harris, a little Laurel Hamilton, a little Underworld, etc. But hey, that's not necessarily a bad thing (although those are generally bad sources...), pop culture conventions can still make for a good story.

The problem as I see it is just the writing style. There are unnecessary modifiers and disposable adverbs all over this thing. The exposition is about as subtle as a punch in the jaw, and if I did a shot every time I ran across a cliche phrase I'd be too hammered to write this comment.

On the bright side, the set up is pretty well done, I'm genuinely curious who these characters are and what the shadowy agency is all about (other than the obvious I mean). So hey, I give it a thumbs up despite the inconsistencies.
2010-08-05 16:35:40 The Red Fang Ch 1 Pt 2 Well that felt like a completely different story from the first part. Which isn't a bad thing, I think I enjoyed the side narrative better. The alley scene was downright hilarious with our poor, plucky heroine unable to extricate herself from the awkward situation (although I think when you find two people fucking behind a dumpster the standard reaction is for them to be embarrassed, not you).

A few gripes though, there are still some serious cliches hampering the writing. Must a grip be "vice-like"? Can't it just be a grip? We spend a lot of time hearing about how the characters look, but it's not time well spent, since most of them seem to look much alike. And here's a classic case of narrative excess, in one paragraph we learn via narration that vampires like fairy blood and then we hear the exact same bit of exposition as dialogue a paragraph later. Once was really enough.

Alright, alright, I'll stop. Gripes aside, it's a good story, and better than the opening. I'm intrigue
2010-11-03 02:38:02 I got hung up on another project which took up more of my time than I expected. The server crash and this after period where nothing new has yet been validated are holding up the final chapter now as well. I'm glad there are people who appreciate the story and I'm working hard to finish. Thanks for reading and thanks for the encouragement.
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