Comments from TheThingNG
|2009-08-24 19:10:04||It should have been broken up into 4 parts; one for each of the kids. Right now it's long as hell. But it was well worth the read.|
|2009-09-11 00:22:57||Summer Vacation with her hot cousin||I agree with most of the comments here, but I'll give you some pointers.
Proof read. Nothing kills a boner more than random name changes, poor grammar and forgotten quotes. Not only does it look bad, it makes the reader have to go back to figure out what was meant, which kills a story.
Don't worry too much on the descriptions. I don't care if she's 5 feet tall or 50 feet tall. Sure, blond hair is nice, and a toned, tanned, fit body are good descriptions, but stay away from weight and age. If you really think those things matter, try to weave them into the story, like "he lined his cock up to her 17 year old pussy".
Work on your dialogue. I understand that you were trying to get to the sex, but it has to make some degree of sense. A 17-year old virgin girl isn't going to willingly have sex with her cousin, nor would they be making jokes at a girl willing to do a DP.
Shoot me a PM and I'll give you some more pointers.