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Comments from Kadri

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Date Story title Comment
2012-04-10 02:22:27 How we kissed, he replied, puzzled as wasnt that what they were talking about? She could be very confusing could Jannie he decided.

Ok, I didn't get to the 'juicy bits' because I found it confusing also. The above quote is one example.

But I must say you did have a strong start, but it seemed that you couldn't decide where you wanted to start, or go with it. At one point early on you implied that she wanted to know if he was interested in her friends, so she could pass him off as her boyfriend to them as they may not know him, then you imply that one of them had encouraged her to try to seduce him, then a few paragraphs later you all but say that she's following "mom's" instructions on how to go about seducing him without so much as an explanation on the change in direction.

but at that point I had to stop. because you went from a strong start to not washing his hands after peeing and stinky feet somehow beeing the things she likes about him?
2012-04-18 00:09:22 Housesitting: Day 0 - Ch. 5: Summer School Slut Your story is fan-fucking-tastic. More please.
2012-04-19 23:43:10 The Disney Cruise Part 1 You weren't kidding about the slow start. Over all, well written, very few of the spelling/grammer issues people sometimes harp on. But just when you have established the characters, and started them doing something, that's when you decided to stop?

And I have to ask... Did you really describe a cruse ship game of "Monkey in the Middle" being used to entertain potentially bored teen passengers as "Epic"? You can't just say that without explaining why, unless you wanted to confuse every person who has ever played that game in grade-school gym class. lol.

My advice is, If a character isn't relivent to the story, or at least a constant presance in the main character's story, such as a family member or close friend, you don't need to bother nameing them. Instead you could say "I met/was introduced to some other teens on the ship.' and then flesh out the ones that matter to the story.

Lastly, try summerising the parts that you know are just filler events.
2012-04-22 19:06:54 This is the best series of storys. I just think I should point out that, when talking about when he'll next see ash he says "I wouldnt see her again until I was standing at the wedding standing under a canopy of trees, holding hands with Abby.". That's right, THE wedding, not HIS wedding.
2012-04-22 19:07:26 This is the best series of storys. I just think I should point out that, when talking about when he'll next see ash he says "I wouldnt see her again until I was standing at the wedding standing under a canopy of trees, holding hands with Abby.". That's right, THE wedding, not HIS wedding.
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